Sociopaths describing how it feels to be them:
The main reason sociopaths don't usually seek help from their fellow human beings is that they can't trust, rather than that they like being as they are. Plus, they can often sense exactly what sort of a response any call for help on their part is most likely to elicit from professionals and lay folk alike. Sociopaths are not breezing along in paradise. It isn't all a game. It's a truly miserable existence. And it can be made better. It may not be "curable" yet, but it most certainly isn't as hopeless as so many people say. There is therefore nothing to be gained and much to be lost when therapists and lay folk try to ostracize sociopaths from the human race entirely! Sensationalism and superstition will only prevent progress.Another quote from Wikianswers, along a similar vein:
Sociopaths, though born that way, are people too. To avoid an entire group of people is absurd. That's like saying, "Since these people have dark skin, everyone should completely avert themselves from them." I am a moderate sociopath, and though part of me doesn't want to change, another does. Many times it is really entertaining to see how stupid people can be, especially when they're so gullible as to believe every word that mellifluously flows from my lips. Yes, I am parasitic, but even so, there are some people I would like to stop hurting. I can't find any websites that can provide a way to help my sociopathy. Maybe people like you should stop your self-victimisation and start trying to actually help people like me!And another, in response to a list of sociopathic traits:
umm... i kindof am one... just so y'all know, it's not so much fun being one either. i read that sentance up there, "Incapable of real human attachment to another." i don't even know what that is, i see it, i approximate it... it's like being outside a door looking through a dirty window and watching re-runs of people i've seen in love or with children or with friends, and scratching, sometimes banging at the glass to get in and... nothing. i'm fond of people in every sense of the word, their little quirks and habits, the way they see life, except if they went away it wouldn't bother me much other than finding someone else to be fond of. i don't have friends, i only date military men because they're ok with only having a girlfriend for a couple months and i tell them in advance i won't wait for them... i don't know what else to do to limit the damage i inflict on others just as a result of them knowing me, short of moving to the mountains... but i still move between 2-5 times a year :( it's kindof hard walking around knowing i'll never have what i see making other people so happy and running when i can tell someone is getting close just because i don't want to hurt them more later down the road... i'd like it alot to settle down, i WANT to be able to feel more with people, but it's hard to miss what you never had. i want what i THINK it would feel like... it'd be easy to give in and let someone stay because i'm so lonely... but hey, i've written enough, just know i try to be a responsible little sociopath, i won't ever get married or have kids, i practice safe sex, i won't stay in one city for long... everything you all take for granted i will never let myself have just because i WANT to take it for granted. being like this won't go away so hopefully i can limit the amount of hate thrown my way by limiting my interaction with people, i don't know what else to do. and you all might not belive this, but i am sorry, hopefully i can speak for the other people who have damaged your lives.
A lot of these comments remind me of my former self, when I really wanted to try to be "normal" and really tried to play along with everyone else's nonsense. It led me to a lot of frustration because despite my best efforts, I just couldn't care about silly shit the way other people seem to and just couldn't "get it".
ReplyDeleteAs I've gotten older, I've decided to stop playing along or even trying to deny my fundamental nature. In fact, I've sort gone to the opposite extreme and genuinely get off on exploiting and manipulating other people's emotional weakness. Not only is this more suited to my nature and much easier to do, it "feels" right, it seems like this is exactly how I am supposed to be. I think I am doing the right thing by being a moderately sadistic predator that highlights all the weakness stemming from emotional irrationality. I even think I sort of feed on it now, getting people to willingly sacrifice their best interests on my behalf.
Some of us were just not designed to be pathetic co-dependent prey that freely offer themselves up to the predators. Instead, if you are naturally a predator it is much better to just accept it and get on with the hunt than trying to deny yourself. My life has become much better since I stopped trying to be other than I am.
Dionysus, I am very happy for you! I am printing your letter for my daughter, (she is only 4 now) and will also attach my letter to it. I'll write her that if for some reason she will be raced by her sociopath father or his mother, she shouldn't blame herself when she grows up for being an alcoholic or something worst. You gave me hope that some day she will realize herself. I am in the process of divorce now, and hopefully she will be Ok, ones we move out. Thank you! Be happy!
DeleteThing is, Dionysus; the idea that there are only predators and "pathetic prey" is SO miopic. Mankind can't be divided into ANY two categories. Predators aren't strong. This race, of frail individuals, who can't outrun a cheeta, or wrestle a bear, who aren't most physically fit for survival conquered and redesigned a planet for one reason-- alliances. Community. Society. A construct even you're part of, dear Sociopath. The computer you used to write that comment? The desk it's on? The building you're in? The clothes you wear? You owe them to a collective of collaborating persons.
DeleteYou're not a leader. People may think you are, but how many remain fooled for long? Who was Jesus, Gandhi, MLK, Desmond Tutu? Names that became household words, that fathered ways of life. Today even the opposite of some of their message is carried out in THEIR name.
Tell me, dear sociopath, who will even remember yours?
Your strength in the immediate moment, is what makes you NOTHING in the grand scheme. Laughable! And before you try to turn that on me... I'm not a sociopath, but my radio journalism plays in the Freedom Tower, because I elected to use my own experience to give a voice to those who grew up in the wake of 9/11. My name is in articles, and databases. I've guest lectured college classes. I may not be the unfeeling manipulative machine you are, but I'm not incapable of driving my own agenda either.
DeleteHumans are, unless manipulated, prone to follow those who do keep their interests in mind. Simply because people with the same needs and interests are capable of gathering around each other, working in tandem, and taming a planet. Constructing a History that you are a blip in. That I'm ultimately a blip in too. But a blip who's shaken hands with famous peaceworkers around the world, who's efforts with Amnesty International & Peaceful Tomorrows lead to our current President's first press conference (what Sociopath has that pull?) And who is a living museum piece at 24. Tell me you can accomplish any of that with the way you use people. Tell me you'd try. Tell me your scope extends large enough to contemplate the conditions of the world we live in. Cause if it doesn't, you're a cog.
I was raised by a sociopath. And, admittedly you have more ability to manipulate the other cogs than most, but you can't change the machine. You can't even see it for what it is. Ultimately, you are alone, because no one can stomach you. Because the ensemble that created "Society" knows you aren't part of it.
DeleteYeah, you can manipulate weak, simple minded plebeians. So can I. Big whoop. I'm just equipped to know why I'm doing it and whether that's worth it.
To consider balance. Which is not "silly irrational, emotional shit." YOU are unemotional AND can't contextualize a concept all that means is you're limited. Balance is Universal. Forget the 6 billion other people, think of two sides of an equals sign. Think of it as Math. Everything that exists exists in a system of checks and balances. And if you can't check yourself to decide whether your needs are unfairly balanced with everyone else's. If manipulate, take advantage, cross boundaries, and exploit people only to fly into violent rages at the notion they might be doing the same (even if they aren't-- btw, how's that paranoia?) Why would anyone put up with it for long? Maybe they don't, do they? Maybe you use them, and dispose of them. How long does that go on before people catch wise? How many communities have turned you away? I mean you said yourself you stopped hiding. Ultimately, you have to keep rebuilding what the rest of us simply have. That's what made trying unbearable, wasn't it? You'll never have all that. The things which humans who aren't severely limited in function by their brain chemistry survive this dysfunctional world on. Are not for you. And this is why. Because if you can't take care of others, if you can't nurture, and protect, and practice fairness.... You WILL be left outside the cave when the cougars come. You already are. You've accepted that and are lying to yourself that you're "happy" because of the compromise of it meaning not hiding, getting act on impulse....
But see here's the thing. I get to act on impulse AND have all that.
I was raised by sociopath, watched my brother die when I was 12, lived through PTSD (while watching my mother retreat deeper into sociopathy,) I nurtured a man through cancer, to be assaulted by him, hospitalized on false allegations, had my inheritence stolen, my car given away,
And that sociopath who did it all
STILL HASN'T STOPPED ME
I'm living in another state, churning out plays that are mounted on stages. More reasons for History to remember my name, on top of the museum pieces and award winning activism.
What have you got?
I think I need to talk to one of my kind on a more personal note.
DeleteDionysus, you do realize your sociopathic condition is caused partly by brain damage? You can't be whole even if you wanted to. Your brain is malfunctioning. But it is good that you love yourself anyway. Oh heck, can you love yourself? Is loving yourself also a foreign concept? That is a rhetorical question. You can give a quick answer or you can be truthful with yourself and think about it. I don't care if you are real with yourself or not. Hmmm... is happiness real for you or are you really lying to yourself? Are you pretending to be happy based on what you think happiness is? You can't feel anything so your happiness must be temporary. You must have to work really hard at it. How would you know if you are lying to yourself or not? Do you even know if you are genuine and truthful with yourself? You must be questioning this all the time since you had to come here just to tell to others that you are happy. I hope that you were able to validate happiness this way. I'm not very convinced of your happiness. Good luck to you in loving yourself. Because most others wont love you.
Deleteok ive worked out that yes i am a sociopath and i love it, its like ive found out why i am, its now like giving me all the clues, the hints and tips to do what i do even more better, before i just thought i do this things kinda smart but now i see i did all these things with such smartnes i find it just a normal trait to have and to use. i find it nothing wrong with me, its a skill given to us, so why on earth would any find it bad to be us?
ReplyDeletei would like peoples veiws on this
smithjoshua@live.com.au
Of course you don't find anything wrong with you, because you are sociopath also. You never will admit that there is something wrong with you, or if it is, then it's not your fault. I was like that when was a teenager too. I am not a drama queen anymore, at some point I just got tired to be unhappy.
Delete"Okay, I've worked out that, yes, I am a sociopath. I love it. It's like I've found out why I am [the way I am,] now it's like giving me all the clues, hints, and tips to do what I do even better. Before I just thought I do this thing, which is kind of smart, but now I see I see I did all these things things with such smartnesS. I find it just a normal trait to have and to use. I find nothing wrong with it, it's a skill given to us, why on Earth whould anyONE find it bad to use?"
DeleteSo smart, can't even grammar.
What on earth makes you think you're a sociopath? To be honest, your comment sounds like the usual desperate antihero-worship that throws up my "not a sociopath" flag.
ReplyDeleteThinking it's a skill (probably from seeing us non's suffering from empathy) and feeling good about it, or not feeling bad, does not scream "not a sociopath". Actually I've seen it pointed out that it seems unpleasant in ways to be an empath plenty of times on here. "Why would I want to be neurotypical?" is the question some here would ask. It's the same thing as this guy.
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I agree PMS. This is may be the first stupid thing I've seen a sociopath say.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am parasitic, but even so, there are some people I would like to stop hurting. I can't find any websites that can provide a way to help my sociopathy. Maybe people like you should stop your self-victimisation and start trying to actually help people like me!
Who's the victim here? Because you seem to be painting yourself as one. Your sociopathy is only hurting yourself, or perhaps it is the other way, your want to not hurt people is hurting you. If you want no more pain, give one up. Or perhaps you're just manipulating me?
Pathetic. I'm an empath and even I can see that.
What the hell are you whining about?
DeleteYES! I had trouble with this one as well.
DeleteYou're high functioning enough to know that YOU are parasitic and hurt people. Not just all of humanity, but people you love (to whatever extent.) I've got to admit, I feel that too. I suffer from Bipolar I, and my mother was a bipolar sociopath. I've often wished my father would stop getting hurt in the skirmishes that resulted in me trying to get her to see things the way an empath would.
Ultimately, that's why I moved out.
I wish he'd spoken up more about how often he got pushed over the line between moderator and victim.
Why? Because he's someone I DON'T WANT to hurt.
If people you don't want to hurt are being hurt by you
They're not SELF victimizing.
They're people you don't want to hurt, being hurt by you. You're making them into victims. And no, they shouldn't shut up about it. They have a right to try make you aware of what you are doing to their well being. That is how they get not hurt. They speak up, you listen, you incorporate. It's a dialogue. You get to do that too. It's not self-victimization, it's management of two sided dynamics, especially with extreme personalities.
It's not their fault you're hurting them, and they're not victimizing you by asking you to stop.
Grow the fuck up.
Sociopaths are supposed to be brilliant. To me you all sound like needy children.
There's your fucking help by the way.
ReplyDeleteI like the spiteful edge to your response, Anon. Very satisfying.
ReplyDeleteOh shit, I forgot I couldn't hurt your feelings. Nvm. Subtract the anger.
ReplyDeleteWait, that was in response to something I said? What did I say that paints me like a victim?
ReplyDeleteOh, nevermind. It was to the person quoted in the post. Sorry, I haven't read this one in a long time. Carry on.
ReplyDeleteThe whole "I feel guilty about being a sociopath" thing is really funny. It's comments like that that make my hour.
ReplyDeleteNothing makes me feel guilty about being a sociopath, I mean it isn't my fault. I'm not a killer or a thief, I'm just a normal college kid who finds it hard to love or be connected to people. I don't know if I even love my family. I say I do because its the normal thing to do, but I don't actually know what love is. I like toying with people's fears and emotions, only to an extent though. I don't torture people, I just drive them to the brink. I lie nonstop, I shape my lies to where it makes me seem likeable to everyone, in fact all sorts of groups of people like me because I can "relate" to each of them (or so they think). I didn't always know I was this way but finding out was a big relief. I am not evil, just rather emotionless.
ReplyDeleteSounds like your entire life is fear based since you have to lie to be relatable. Do you fear being unliked and unpopular. Why do you even waste your time trying to fake it. Is it because it is fun to manipulate people's emotions? Don't you have better things to do with yourself? Your life is so limited.
DeleteTo add on to what I just said: I'm not completely sure that I'm a sociopath, I'm just relatively sure that I may be a moderate one. I fit the profile, I answered yes to all the questions, but unlike many sociopaths I don't feel like I'm evil. I don't care about people or their well-being, just my own, but this is just how I've always been. I know nothing else. I got in trouble many times when I was younger but I know when to stop. I don't care about people but rather how those people affect ME. I date girls for what they can bring to me, or add to me, not for their love. I have a job but I see it as a way to make money for myself, not the company, or not as a way to help the guests, just me. I have come to grips with my personality because this is how I am and it won't change, I found out I was a sociopath because the human mind is extremely interesting to me, I want to find out how other people think because I know that the way I think isn't normal, "normal" interests me because it is the opposite of me. Everyone thinks I'm normal, i party, work, study, and fuck, just like a normal human but I feel a bit out of touch. I am going to school so I can be successful. I want to be the best at everything. I also enjoy having power, more than anything. Its a feeling unlike any other. I just want someone to talk to me and explain to me thst it is okay to be this way because it isn't my fault.
ReplyDeleteJust because it's not your fault doesn't make it okay. Being a sociopath makes one all too human, almost a cartoonish exaggeration of the fall of man. Your acceptance and subsequent slavish service to your condition makes you not innocent. There are higher goals than personal satisfaction and happiness.
DeleteAnonymous, what do you expect him to do? He doesn't get what's not okay about it, I don't think you understand. He knows that others think things are "wrong", but if nobody ever demonstrated this, he wouldn't have known he wasn't normal or that this thing called empathy exists. if he doesn't accept himself and would want to be "normal", it wouldn't matter. He can't make himself care for other people, so therefore there's absolutely no motivation to stop doing actions one wouldn't do because of care for other people (We aren't talking about actions that would take you to jail, jail is motivation not to do things for smart people. We also aren't counting when someone wants to try to act like other "normal" people.)
DeleteOk so listen to this. I am a sociopath, I've been like this since I was younger. Do you know what its like not to care? I lost my whole family they killed each other, and I don't feel. I know I should feel something I want to but I can't. Its a horrible way to live. So please if you aren't one do not talk about them you don't know what its like.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it's like to be a sociopath.
DeleteI know what it's like to be raised by one.
I know what it's like to have a mother who has a very limited capacity for compassion, who lost it completely when her first son was killed. I know what it's like to live with a bipolar, sociopath, in perpetual mourning who only sees 9/11 not as a national tragedy but something taken from HER
Who beat me growing up every time I mentioned missing my brother
In her mind he was not my brother. He was not my dad's son, or even step-son half the time. He was HERS, and she hoarded that like dragon on treasure. I know what it's like to be tortured, to have my thumb broken in a car door, or my wrist split open because I ran into a wall attempting to flee her.
I know what it's like to be hospitalized after a loved one whom you're nursing in sickness attacks you with a knife. Because they can't tell the cops the truth. If they force the landlord out they might lose the house. And so I sat in that padded room, in a hospital that looked more like your horror movie stereotypes than the one my friends built in their Time Square Haunted House. I know what it's like to have every penny to my name given away. My car. To be trapped with someone as bipolar as I am, but who unfortunately also has a DSM disorder.
Now you might not feel any sympathy towards someone who has to live through that. But you know what an empathetic, functional, nuerotypical would feel.
I reserve the right to talk about sociopaths anyway I want.
Just know I don't mean YOU- but the generality, or the one I've had to fear. You are your own person and however you manage your condition your actions are your business. But don't tell me I don't know what it's like.
I know what it's like to be an empath relying on a sociopathic mom.
I fucking know.
DerrikC, I am not a sociopath. But I met one who really had a go at me. He really wanted power over me and really enjoyed getting at me. Didn't matter to me though because I got over on him. I made him think he was getting to me so I could get what I wanted out of him and I did. So that is why I am here. To learn about your kind. So I can continue to outsmart your kind if I ever meet one of you again. I say your "kind" because you definitely are not human with your lack of emotions. You just physically resemble one. There are so many of you out there in positions of power. The one I knew was my boss and all I had to do was let him think he was winning, until he was not. "Take his power and he feels lost, ruin his reputation and he is screwed." You sociopaths think you are so smart. You don't even realize that many know how to play your game and just pretend with you. We feed you garbage so you can get your "chemical high", all along while advancing ourselves. We talk bad about you, gossip about you, use up to much of our energy on you. But once you are out of our life, you have no power over us, and you were just a tiny little blimp along the way that taught us how to empower ourselves. So yeah, your kind is needed in this world to make those of us who are normal stronger and to have the best lives we can possibly have with our foots on your backs to help us reach the next level. Unfortunately, you are stuck at yours. I will talk about your kind if I want to. It's a free world. You are free to be what you are and I am free to be what I am.
DeleteYOU SEEE ASPD is the next step in human evolution. were.... survivors. its like in the jungle. the strongest adaplable survive.
ReplyDeletemorality is a enslavement. its where religion comes from, which has done more damage than any sociopath i know of.
Ha ha you fucking gomey fool. There is safety in numbers and you are all alone. The people who can count on each other will be the survivors. Sociopaths usually wind up alone and vulnerable. Tribes used to shun sociopaths,leaving them out alone in the wild to fend for themselves, but then ye went and invented religion and us fools forgave you and now look at the state the world is in. Typical that a sociopath wouldn't figure this out and assume they are superior. Ha ha ha.
DeleteLet's talk survival. The human is not faster than the cheetah, stronger than the bear. We're not the best at hiding, or swimming. We can't fly. We're actually even weaker than most of our close relatives, the great apes. Mankind conquered a fucking PLANET and redesigned it because we forged alliances, communities, and tribes. We worked together to protect each other from the cold.
DeleteLet's talk about religion: Jesus of Nazareth. What name is more memorable than that? His name survived him, his story, and his message. How many times have people broken off of the Catholic church to redirect things back to a place of love, acceptance, peace, understanding? How many great world leaders were influenced by that? Gandhi? Dr King? Desmond Tutu? Household names, even to people who don't know a lick about them, because their work rallied everyone around common interests and collaborated. Even the warlords and crusaders relied on each other. You can't have an army of one. They're trained to "kill without question, or be killed, follow orders." But they KNOW they aren't coming home if they can't treat every man in their squadron like a brother in arms.
It is through coming together and nurturing each other that man has built the world.
It is an inability to appreciate that that leads to loneliness, which man cannot survive in a state of nature-- everything out there is more designed to kill than we are
But we took the planet
Because WE did
Those who take for themselves without regard to the collective, are criminals. Thieves, thugs, rapists.
In the jungle you'd be alligator food, here you'd be in prison.
That's WHY you all evolved to lie so well. Because when you were discovered, the primitives who possessed your genes were left outside the cave when the cougars, wolves, etc came
It's only because we're NOT like you that you aren't still
Freeloader.
im under 18. i may be a sociopath or atleast becoming one. i dont want to but it seems inevitable...i tried testing myself by forcing myself to act like a "normal" person for a long period of time and i think it may have helped me in being emotional but in the end it was still acting. i want to love and argue about things that to me now, seem pointless. am i sick? cursed? can i be "cured"? im great at manipulation and such but i ony do things to prevent an outcome that would seem negative to me, does that make it wrong? i lie when i think the situation calls for it but i dont intend to make people suffer. is there really something wrong with me or is my way of thinking just different? if someone was dying i'd go out of my way to help him until the point where my life would be in danger. if someone i consider a friend (i try to think of them as friends) tried to kill me i'd try to kill them as well and wouldnt feel any regret or fear....can someone like me become normal?
ReplyDeleteWhat you said doesn't necessarily make you a sociopath. I'm not sure about "becoming" one either, I usually stick with the "born" theory. If you have empathy or caring you aren't one. Maybe you're just selfish. Especially with the "if someone was dying" part. Plenty of people aren't willing to put themselves in danger.
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This is why we have prisons and mental institutions. People like you are not good for society. Go to lock up and play your games on each other.
ReplyDeleteGet off of this blog.
DeleteTag Y
June 29, 2012 at 9:24pm: Ignorance at it's finest.
DeleteI have been dating what I believe is a sociopath...he came to me at my low point in life I had just lost my business(first one) I took it pretty hard mentaly and financially but I still had money and connections...I told him everything about me what I liked and didn't like and he done nothing I lined and everything I didn't he had nothing when I met him he is short and was on a bike living at his moms straight from jail...I'm from the streets so I know how hard it was to get a leg up it took him two mnths to even get a date and a year to move in...once he was in he changed everything was funny esp the bad and he was completely destructive mentally and emotionally I kicked him out for cheating it took three months of begging me back.... only to do it again..I really did care for until his last charge for something petty and they gave him a year funny thing is the judge was basically letting everybody off with tickets that day and walking out the court room..he was the only dumbass who got sentenced ..moral of the story is you do dirt you get dirt... Soon after he was sent to county his side bitch called his phone I wouldn't stop until I found out his truth he had been seeing this same chick from before for damn near a year ..now he behind the wall crying he knows I hate to hear a man cry..I haven't heard from him or excepted his calls I written him one time to tell him I know what he is now.. I have all his money the we earned together and the store is in my namebin which he forged MY signature on the lease ..I'm not giving him no more than what I gave him until I found out the truth which was he made a kid on me and was fucking a lame chick who had no where near what I had ....I know he s a sociopath he talked about me to the girl and she hates me and don't know me...my question is what is he thinking now and what does he have planned when he comes home in six months...
ReplyDeleteHow do you "feel horrible"? Is that just imitated too?
ReplyDeleteIf I read the definitions of sociopath, I get pretty much the same description, same behaviors. However, when I read comments from actual sociopaths, ur "attitudes" seem to differ greatly. From self-congratulatory and proud to a form of anguish and shame or longing (as much as you can "feel" these feelings). Can someone expound? Is it like a personality? Ur all just different?
ReplyDeleteI've been alone for a long time.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know, it's like this silence, but it makes noise. And it screams in your ears, all the time until you do something that others would deem wrong.
I don't know why they deem it wrong, most of the time. I can barely connect with anyone. Frankly I love the mask I've learned to wear. I fake it. Every day.
I have lots of problems because of all of the faking I have to do to get by, including anxiety from hell that tears up my opportunities for any work where otherwise I would have been able to pass for normal and, in fact, cheery and a good worker.
Most of the time, I don't mind the silence.
Sometimes, though, I want to tell someone. I get this little urge to reach out that I don't understand for the life of me.
But all I end up doing is writing a status that I delete, or opening my mouth to speak the truth and tell a lie because damnit, it's easier.
I know how they'll react. I'm not going to let someone mark me as different. I have enough reason that people see to treat me like crap, whether the medical conditions I suffer, my addictions and my need to have an addiction, my "constant flirting" (I prefer them to abhor me for that than to know what I am and why I follow lust like I do)...
I never intend to do anything wrong. Why the hell would I? I'm a person, just like every one of you. I have a moral compass.. even if it's a fake one I adopted from my father who never had the time to see past his own image.
So no matter how loud the silence gets - even when it's unbearable and it gives me shaking migraines - I ignore it.
Because I have this sense of shame that I can't shake, and it's the only real feeling I can even somewhat feel that doesn't come from.. well, hunting, as someone put it earlier (predator and prey).
I'm glad sometimes that I can't feel for everything I've done. I've talked people I didn't like into doing horrible things, royally destroyed their life because it was a game to me in some cases - they hit first, and life is a struggle.
I'm afraid sometimes that I'll wake up and by some screwed up stretch of what everyone else calls divinity I'll be able to feel. At least I think I'm afraid. I wonder more sometimes if it's just anxiety, wondering. What might happen, maybe.
(more in comment below.)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I hope it's at least readable.
I finally found a place where I can say something about it. And yeah, someone could track my blahblahblah to know where I posted from and figure out it's me, and you know what, that'd be my damnable luck.
Some people don't have good lives. Some of us can't fit anywhere, and we can't have a home. We can never settle down, even if we have faint dreams of things we want.
I want to be a lot of things I'll never be - they'd call too much attention, or I'd hurt someone I could care a little bit for and the part of me that Dad raised to be a mirror image of himself would never shut the hell up about it. Not for a long while, anyway.
Sometimes I think I want to get married. I will never have that, because I know me. I know how I work, and I'll get bored just as she falls too deep for me.
Sometimes I want to be a rockstar, because writing and singing are all that can get all of this frustrating silence-with-words out of my head, and because I can only truly love inanimate objects. I will never be, because it'd draw too much attention and any hunting I'd ever have to do just to feel alive - just a little bit - would be gone, and the point would be moot, once I was found out.
And it makes me want to break things when I think of my parents funerals someday in the future, because truth be told, they're all that my memories concern. I wish I knew how to love them, but it's just a word to me that applies to guitars and computers and coffee mugs and cigarettes and sex and things that I want - until I become bored with them.
I know many of you think of people like me as scum. That we're always the badguys.
But don't you dare judge us. Don't you dare assume that you're higher and mightier.
If you had to live day to day like I do, you wouldn't do any better.
Thank you for reading. I guess.
It just helps get it out of my head to write it.
Anonymous... Finally, I feel like I have read something on this site worth reading. I would think that you as a sociopath also spend your time judging others. So of course others will judge you. You have writing talent. Perhaps you should write a book and keep telling your story to the world. LOVE... it's just a word to you. And the truth is, even if you are not a sociopath you may not know the meaning of love. Love can be an illusion. Normal people can think they know what it is to feel it but are completely selfish in how they love. There are different kinds of love. You can't even truly love another if you cannot love yourself. Most people don't love themselves and they are pretenders. Others need lessons in loving themselves and perhaps this is why they are drawn to people like you to rip them apart. They have to learn to love themselves more and to love others correctly. I do however, wonder if a sociopath loves him/herself. I wish one of you could answer this for me. Because you all seem to be a reflection of hatred for everything in this world. I truly believe you have extreme self hatred issues and are projecting that onto others. You were born to hate. Isn't that your real purpose in life? I mean sure you want power, but isn't that just a way to spread your hate? Like you have too much hate inside yourself that you just gotta get it out somehow by inflicting it on others? I think you sociopaths are asking yourselves the wrong questions and telling people the wrong stuff here about your "loveless condition". You're deflecting. You take a long look at yourself and you say you like yourself because you enjoy doing wrong things... But I see that a lot of sociopaths on this site are busy looking outward, talking about those they harm. But what about themselves. Do you really know if you are happy or not or do you feel like you are chasing happiness, that it is just shy of your fingertips? Are you really creating a false sense of happiness by harming those you consider to be weak? Isn't this sociopathic behavior a drug to you and you get anxious if you can't feed this behavior? Do you ever turn your attention to yourself and go deep into your own heart and mind? Do you care enough about yourself in this way? Is this possible for you? Or are you shallow with yourself too? Your happiness is derived by your outer experiences in harming others. Can you just be happy on your own without the need to harm others? If you can't... talk about your own codependency... Can you look in the mirror and say I love myself repeatedly for months and mean it? You sociopaths are missing something, that is why you can't stop the game... you can feel it can't you... that longing desire to know... and hopelessness that you will never get your answers no matter how you strive for them? So you just give up, life becomes meaningless and you become so cold that you end up with a sociopathic disorder... just because you couldn't figure it out... poor you.
DeleteBlasphemy! Whoever posted that is no true sociopath!
ReplyDelete...unless they're lying, of course.
ok im glad i found this place beacause i have been wondering for a while if i am a sociopath or not, i've read up on it and i feel like i have a lot of tendencies of a sociopath, like i constantly lie, i have no idea why i do but i lie to everyone all the time and almost find it boring when i don't. I keep reading about how sociopaths are 'incapable' of love, this is the part that got me thinking, i'm in a relationship for 2 years now and when i asked myself why i actually love her i couldn't really come up with something, sure we get a long great and laugh together and never lack conversation but the more i thought about it the more i thought i was in it for the sex, or is that purely because im a guy but i don't really feel anything... also when she tells me any of her problems (genuine ones not stupid girl stuff) i dont really care and just think to myself 'when is she going to stop talking'. also i always feel as if when someone tells me bad/good news i react as i think i suppose to, not exactly on instinct and i dont usually feel bothered by any of it, i reel like i remain neutral to it. lastly and this is the story that makes me feel like a sociopath... i found out last week that my dead uncle turned out to be having an affair with my godmother (sister of his wife) and this was found out because his wife had gone through his emails to let ppl know of his death... the only thing that i thought in reaction to that story was 'why didn't he make a separate email address?' i didn't and still dont care about what happened.. feedback would be nice but dont feel obligated to read everything!
ReplyDeleteits never really seemed like a problem for me being a sociopath that is i feel as if it makes life much more bearable and the fact that she has any desire for a human connection makes me doubt the legitimacy of her "disorder" and beyond that she says she wants to have feelings isnt that want a desire idk man maybe im overevaluating this but to be as real as i can i highly doubt the legitimacy of her claim and misery is also an emotion it seems like all of this typing was just a way to get attention
ReplyDeleteComing from a girl diagnosed with both aspd and bipolar I seriously doubt any of you of you are clinically diagnosed by your whiney comments. I'd be willing to bet that half of you are trying to find something wrong with yourselves that make you different and some are plain and simply just sadistic assholes. While I can say that I'm no outstanding citizen and have been in quite a bit of trouble in my life and have no sense of loyalty to men I do develope a sense of appreciation in place of love. I have no desire to go out of my way to hurt people. Not to say that I haven't but that it wasn't intentional. People fascinate me in a way. I see how they are so attached and emotionally connected and it's as if I'm observing a new species, yet I have no real desire to have it. I am neither proud or ashamed of myself or my detachment. I do think it's a bit harsh though to say that all of people with this diagnosis should be shunned. I personally just mind my own business and consort with the people of my choosing. I really think that when you come onto a site meant for certain types of people to speak freely with a personal vendetta that your just looking for a fight. My advice to you , go talk to a therapist, don't make accusations and assumptions about every person in that category. Just as it would would be equally wrong to say that any one race comiited an offense as a whole. Maybe the majority did but not every individual was involved. Also self proclaiming sociopaths, we already have to deal with the rap from Jeffery dahlmer, Manson, end every lunatic on the news accused of some unthinkable crime, let's not add to it
ReplyDeleteWell I'm not too sure if this blog is still active and i wont be addressing any of the things already said, if i do it's unintentional. I am simply posting to hopefully start up this blog or at least get a reply to stimulate a conversation, this will be explaining my experience with the disorder. ha, i had trouble putting that in also.. Growing up i've always kept to myself and had to be provoked to hold a conversation, unless i had inquired about something i was interested in or wanted to learn about. It began at that and slowly i began to realize i was seen differently for being so reserved but realizing the potential/benefit from social interaction, i too joined in and adapted. Later after moving elementary schools i initially made no friends, not out of difficulty but with the childish mentality that i already had some and dont see the need for more. Of course puberty kicks in, tells me hey i'm horny and i dont know what to do with myself. So i worked on my social skills knowing fully well that it would take me to what i wanted, which was some ass at the time. In the years leading to high school i treated previous and current relationships with the same mentality. That i would invest my time in others and the relationship, as much as they did in me. Though i would go against that mentality when their was something to gain from it, such as; getting into several friend groups so as to gain a social status thinking it would benefit in attracting women, weaseling my way into a friend group to case after a certain female, riding on the back of a an extrovert so as to meet new prey and not having to do the work myself. I knew what i was doing wasn't necessarily right and i knew i lacked emotions at that time also. It was pointed out to me several times already but the realization only kicked in after a incident. My 'best friend' from childhood had got hit by a car and was severely injured, he could have possibly lost both legs and died. When i went to visit him in the hospital with many others i simply questioned the pain he was going through, i didnt understand empathy. Leaving the hospital with his family and the friends i was i anxious. Everyone was acting a way i couldnt understand, i thought i was able to mimic all of the ways people behaved while experiencing an emotion and obviously i was wrong. Walking to the car was hell. Screaming inside of my head to feel something for my friend, to be able to feel sad that he has gotten injured. Still nothing came, so i went to thinking of what i considered worthy of crying to. Thinking about his death didn't budge me at all, so reluctantly i mentally went down the list of people that i should care for and only until i reached my mother did i start getting the emotion i needed to portray for the scenario. How i wish i can think of someones death today and feel what i did then. My knowledge grew on the subject after i started to interact with someone more often, someone who i enjoyed spending time with but couldnt give a reason why and i guess its because i saw them as something perfect. We would have my favorite conversations together, the philosophical ones or the inquisitive ones were we both can list a theory behind the process. Neither of us would question each others insanity considering we both agreed that we're crazy and that everyone is in their own way. The things we could argue on were limitless and uncensored. The best part was that neither of us suffered from some sort of emotional pain or agitation afterwards and would always end the time spent together satisfied or happy. Would like to mention this now before i continue that tangent, i generally have a friend for most of my needs; whether it's for entertainment or to be humored, stimulating conversations, fun arguments, illegal activities (not necessarily drug use..), etc..
ReplyDeleteSo while investing my time into this person i knew her in and out and she knew me. She was always the more intelligent one, that i knew and admired. So while she tried placing a definition to my madness i took it as my own. She labelled me as introverted or socially awkward, those were the labels i placed on myself for some years. She would joke about how i would be leading her to a trap and planning her murder, calling me a psychopath. I took it lightly thinking i couldnt be and played along. That didnt stop me from later reading into it, still i couldnt believe it and found an alternative which may still be applicable, that being minor down syndrome or aspergers. Only after another incident in my life did i reevaluate what made me different, why i wasn't normal and why i felt obligated to act like a chameleon to blend into society. I read countless hours into the subject and can say pretty confidently that my dad and i fit the profile of a sociopath. I can't say for sure, i'm self diagnosed. I'll leave it at that. I can 'love' sure, but it's almost always artificial. Shown in actions or with words, though only shown when i deem someone worthy of it. I want to say that i will cry when my parents pass but i can't. I dont necessarily love myself, but i am myself, i am me, that's all their is in this world and thats how i see things. I simply exist. I would like to say i have found someone that made me feel emotions and love but i'm uncertain. It can simply be my self manipulation (yupp) that causes me to chase a probable lost cause. Id consider myself a logical thinker and after trying to conclude why i am still holding onto a relationship that seems to have no benefits to me, it would be out of the emotion category, love. Yes i'm judged for being this way and i've searched for ways of improving but their is little help online. I mostly rummage through ways to find me's :P and landing on things like find god. I was forced to attend mass every sunday until i was 19 years old, not like i havent tried their belief.. I have given up on remedies and realized that some of my closest friends fit the traits also, either meaning i unknowingly grew attracted to having sociopathic friends or that i'm over analyzing this all. I think it's the latter because i genuinely hate 'sympathizing' with others and speak my mind regardless if its a sensitive issue or something that can aggravate others.
ReplyDelete