One of my favorite comments is an outraged response to this post:
"Does no one comment? I see the psycopath as a mutant being, an accident or freak of nature then a combination of nuture but not allways just mostly in the poorer classes. God can heal you people but you have to become self aware enough to choose the right or the good rather than self! May His hand touch you all and heal your pain and fill your hearts with His Grace!"I laugh inappropriately whenever I think of this comment. "Does no one comment?" the outraged individual asks. Sort of a "how can you people read this and not be incensed?" In my mind, I picture some outraged Christian type who has fallen down the rabbit-hole into a bizarre world where up is down and down is up. What a delicious image! Welcome to my rabbit-hole, sociopath friends and friends of sociopaths.
I'd like to communicate with you, I haven't seen much on the internet from the view of a sociopath. Do you try to act normal? I don't know what I am, and I won't try to label myself. I don't want to be normal, but I need to learn to act normal. I want to keep myself out of jail, the mental hospital, that kind of thing that I've experienced too much. I haven't done anything wrong, but that's what people see in me so it doesn't matter what I do. I just want to live my life freely, unimprisoned. I don't feel how I should, but I want to learn to act that way so that I can keep my independence. Please let me know if you have any experience in this area. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteTell us more about yourself.
ReplyDeleteWell, as I've said, I don't know what I am and labels are really only for insurance and clinical purposes, and therefore I don't think one needs to be applied in my case anyway. I never connected as a kid and very rarely spoke. I creeped people out a bit, not becuase I was really creepy but because other people wanted me to perform for them as a cute little kid or something. I was abused by most definitions, was eventually badly burned by my father and snapped a bit, ended up in a mental hospital. I heard plenty of phrases such as "lack of affect" and the such used in front of me by professionals who either thought I was deaf or too stupid to understand them. They put me on risperdal, which caused bad physical reactions, where my pulse went way up so i couldn't sit still but at the same time i was incredibly doped and drowsy, couldn't sit down long enough to fall asleep. Their initial theory was that i was psychotic, but their battery of tests did not support that. Although they had treated me like I was a mentally retarded person, my IQ turned out to be very high, yet I had almost no visual memory, which would explain why I can't even visually recognize my own mother. I got out and finished high school, went on to college where I again went through a bit of a conflict with the school, as they almost kicked me out because of my history. I was hospitalized for something I didn't do (the higher ups said my room mate had called the police because i was banging my head against the wall, even though neither myself or my roomate recalls any such thing - we'll call it shared psychosis as my room mate would have to be quite delusional here as well). I was eventually told that I was autistic and would never be able to live independent of my parents, which I found somewhat ironic because I had lived independently of them for six years. Also, I would actually have to be incredibly high functioning to get good grades at a major university like I do. Although I had a tumultous childhood and adolescence, I am now 21 and more in control of myself than anyone I know. I watch others have emotional breakdowns and can only think that it looks like a lot of wasted effort on their part. I have learned facial expressions through FACS (the facial action coding system, used by investigators). Not a single person I know has guessed that I am anything other than well-adjusted and the most controlled person among a bunch of seniors panicking about the next few years of their life. I am not a criminal, nor do I have criminal intent, but I manipulate those around me just enough for them to leave me alone so that I can live a normal life. I am routine oriented, and rarely let others get in the way. I am still working on a sort of a front, but I think I am well on my way to complete control of my own little spot in the world. I found your blog looking for strategies that sociopaths have used in their lives, as I hear that they have somehow learned to act "socially charming" and would like to acquire that skill as well for when I need it.
ReplyDeleteYou could possibly have prosopagnosia. That would explain the inability to recognize faces. It doesn't explain any of the other symptoms, but sometimes prosopagnosia results from acute brain trauma, and such trauma could cause other things. You didn't mention anything of this sort, but I thought you might want to look into this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia
ReplyDeleteI remember reading that comment and I don't understand the outrage of the individual. This is why Christians piss me off! Their God created us, so why should we change? If God created us a certain way and now demands us to change, then God is cruel. Or else God fucked up. Or else we're perfect. You can't talk about freaks of nature and God in the same breath. God wouldn't have to heal me if God was doing his job. I'm not a sociopath, but that doesn't mean I'm satisfied with myself. I feel no relief from being able to feel emotions. In fact, I spend a lot of time trying not to. Feeling intense joy or pain freaks me out. I just want to be at peace! And if their idea of God is real, he could give it to me. I shouldn't have to grovel for it. I kind of got off track for a moment. The writer said that sociopaths can change if they decide to choose to do good. What bad are you doing? Do you kill or steal. Are you a liar? I lie when I feel I need to and I'm an empath. I bet that writer lies to herself all day long. So are you healed when all you do is make positive decisions? Only think of others? I don't know anyone like that. And the ones that aspire to be like that are miserable. So when are you healed? That would drive someone insane. I have a schizophrenic sister who seems to drive herself crazy trying to be "good". I know she thinks she's bad and needs forgiveness. Problem is, she will never know when she's "good". And she is never at peace with herself. I mentioned her schizophrenia because it seems to keep her in the vicious cycle. It's that much harder for her to get out of that way of thinking. And does she go to a good therapist? No. She goes to a minister or joins a cultish apostolic church. They teach her she is broken and that they can fix her. She just has to repent and stop doing this or that. Well she's not fixed. She's not any better. So when will God decide to fill her heart with his grace? What's he waiting for?
ReplyDeleteThat welcome to my rabbit hole bit was such a cute comment.
ReplyDeleteTry not to get stuck in some huge god argument people. As if we don't read enough of those.
Yes, if god did exist he would HAVE to be an evil bastard for more reasons than one, but religion was only created to control the masses of idiots i'm afraid.
I do find it funny how all these deluded types seem to overlook the amount of hypocrisy in their so called 'good' book.
Lisa
I totally understand what brooke said about the whole "God" thing. It seems to be wrong, but I have grown up with a Protestant family. We go to church every Sunday, and I watch all these people singing to God, and I feel like I can never feel what they feel.I understand their need to feel the presence of a higher power whose ways they can never comprehend, but I just don't.... FEEL anything about it. It's so crazy that for as long as I can remember, I wake up and kiss my mother good morning, and straight-facedly lie to her face automatically when she asks if I have prayed. I realize that my days of deluding myself by kneeling and praying to a God I do not feel might be over.
ReplyDeletePS: I wanna know why God would create me, and by some environmental and genetic super-imposition, I turn out to be a sociopath. Why would He (or She) create me so I don't FEEL His Presence? And if I was created in His image, does this mean He also doesn't feel as well?
Christians are terrible people. Most religious people are, they still believe in fictional characters and think we should change? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Go talk to the tooth fairy while your at it.
ReplyDeleteThen again for sociopaths religious people perhaps might be the easiest to manipulate because of their strong belief in righteousness. Might even be our favorite people to play with, the mask they require is so easily worn. Haha, your god makes you vulnerable. Your god makes you weak. Let's not get started on religion... Haha.
B.W.
I knew a guy I couldn't tell if he was a sociopath or had Aspergers ... he displayed behaviors of both.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I think he really was a sociopath who cleverly chose the mask of Aspergers in order to avoid the tedium of maintaining the illusion of 'normal.' Now that is clever!
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