Death and fear

There was a recent death in my family, a close relative of mine. The family has been convening, making me wonder why there needs to be all of this effort over someone's death. I feel no grief, but then again i never felt emotionally close to this relative. It is making me wonder who I would grieve for, though, and I think there are only about 10 people for whom I would feel genuine loss at their deaths. And even with those people, as I have said and read before, the sadness seems to be more a feeling of personal loss than sadness for the deceased himself. Or is that how everyone feels? Sadness for their lack in your life. Which seems good enough, I guess, because it means that they had a significant role or impact in my life, unlike all these other relatives that I am interacting with now, for whom I feel nothing.

I have also been thinking a little about my own death. All my life I have felt todestrieb/thanatos, the death drive. Whenever I have been faced with death, I simply consider how bad it could be to die. Not bad at all, really. In fact there have always been very appealing things about death -- no more work, no more masks, complete and eternal rest. Plus my own spiritual beliefs acknowledge a life after death, an eternal existence of self, so death holds no fear for me. Maybe that is why I am so fearless in general -- isn't all fear just a derivative of the fear of death?