(cont.)
In all that time I manipulated everybody. I was out of control and angry things weren't going my way. I always thought I was the victim of injustice and if I had power everything would be set straight. I still believe it as a matter of fact. I controlled everyone around me. My friends, people who thought they were my friends (I called them crash dumbies), and my family. I believed my own bullshit and so did everyone else. This sounds familiar, minus criminal behavior. There's only so much your friends and associates can take from you, though, without realizing that you are actually their problem, not their savior.
I wouldn't just manipulate on small scale either. Let me give you another example. I worked at Staples (while selling coke out of it might I add) and they wanted me to become a lead in the business machine section due to my leadership skills. Thank your manipulation skills and charm for that.
They said eventually I'd be a manager. This is when I was 18. I was excited because this was my shot to be legit with a real job and future. Ah, what could have been!
One day this guy steals something and there's this big commotion. Long story short this cop comes and wants me to give a statement. I'm not a snitch [issues with authority figures] so I don't want to give one, but they take me to him anyway. This cop turns out to be one that arrested me for not letting him search me. He illegally arrested me a day after I turned 18. So I started yelling at him. Because of this incident they didn't want me as lead or even work there so they started cutting my hours. My reaction: I called UFCW. The union vons and safeway workers have. I started a union campaign that had the vice president of Staples come down to speak to us about why we should vote no on the union. Long story short Staples lost a lot of money fighting the union campaign, but I lost and they fired me. I like this. I also take the offensive once I realize that my chips are down. It is usually a longshot, but I find some consolation in thinking that if I am going down, a lot of other people are going down with me. Of course it can also be turn into assured mutual destruction...
Let me tell you why I call my friends that aren't my friends crash dumbies. You can tell them to do anything and they will do it. They are loyal out of sheer stupidity. I've crash dumbied many people. Some committed crimes for me. Some fought for me. Some shot for me. Some even got arrested doing something I was going to do, but they beat me to the punch to impress me.
One day this guy I considered a good mentor told me I have a ability to pursuade people my age to do things. That the youngsters followed me. I toldem that I don't tell people what to do, they do what they want. He said my refusal to accept leadership was really my refusal to accept responsibility. This is wisdom.Ii don't know why this is, but all sociopaths seem to go through a phase of denying reality and rejecting responsibility for their actions, e.g. pretending they're normal, thinking that nothing is their fault, thinking that everyone does/is similar, etc. Maybe we are just freaked out by what we are capable of, but all sociopaths seem to deny Christ at least a few times before coming to Jesus. Maybe this is why lack of responsibility for our actions is thought of as being a "typical" sociopath trait amongst the mental health community. I don't think that high functioning sociopaths are irresponsible (obviously, I guess, otherwise they wouldn't be high functioning), but it is definitely an issue for most (if not all) sociopaths at one stage in their development.
Two comments:
ReplyDeleteMr. One Man Crime Wave wrote, “One day this guy I considered a good mentor told me I have a ability to pursuade people my age to do things. That the youngsters followed me. I toldem that I don't tell people what to do, they do what they want. He said my refusal to accept leadership was really my refusal to accept responsibility.”
I agree with ‘OMCW’ on this point. People are freer than most of them believe themselves to be. It’s their “ignorance” of this fact that makes them so easy to manipulate. I would no more accept responsibility for someone else’s actions than I would for making the sun rise this morning. Just because I can push certain buttons in a person’s psyche doesn’t mean I can literally control them.
However, accepting responsibility for my own actions is indeed a horse of another color. Within the story you tell yourself about yourself, it’s more empowering to see yourself as “cause”, so to speak, rather than as an “effect”.
Its not a moral issue. It's a strategic issue. Being accountable makes you a more powerful leader and stops you from burning all your bridges. Keeping control and staying in power is different from short term manipulation. When you get past lying to yourself that you are in power and accept the leadership people give you the real work begins.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous said, “Being accountable makes you a more powerful leader and stops you from burning all your bridges.”
ReplyDeleteYou could be right, although accountability has never worked for me. I’ve tried using the concept in previous self help schemes, to no avail. I realized that I just didn’t give a damn one way or the other what other people thought of me. I’ve never felt sufficiently obligated to explain myself (to ‘give an account’) to anyone unless I wanted to, for reasons that were entirely my own.
Out of curiosity are you a introvert or extovert Daniel? Accountability is a tool not a obligation. You are right when you say that you explain yourself for reasons of your own. Certainly you wouldn't do it for reasons of anyone else.
ReplyDeletepager said, “Out of curiosity are you a introvert or extovert Daniel?”
ReplyDeleteIntrovert.
Accountability is a tool not a obligation.
In my experience the term has used been used more in the obligatory sense than the ‘useful method’ sense. But I can also see how it could be used as a tool.
If dude A decided that holding himself accountable to dude B is a great way to keep himself from acting rashly, and it works, then hey, I say go for it. I noticed that it didn’t work for me.