A reader writes (cont.):
When I was younger, I was very much a slave to my emotions and I would definitely have called myself weak and I think a lot people took advantage of that (including a sociopath or two now that I look at it with the knowledge I've acquired). I'm actually quite thankful in retrospect, I've learned a lot on how to deal and I suppose in turn manipulate people. Another great learning ground was the internet, mostly message boards. People seem to let themselves go and troll with reckless abandon. At first I fell for it, then I identified it, then I partook then I got bored and realized fucking with people over the internet or even just interacting with them was a completely waste of time. Especially if you consider that the good trolls which i butted heads with were probably sociopaths themselves and it would never end.
Having a number of psychotic breaks (since i'm bipolar type 1) was incredibly beneficial. Being completely detached from reality can give you a unique perspective on life.
To summarize one of the points I'm trying to make, is that as I grow older I seem to be gaining better control over my emotions and in some ways closer to the world of sociopathness, which is interesting.
So besides telling you my life story, what's your take on manic depressives? I don't think you can use me as a baseline mind you. If you go into chat rooms geared towards people with mental illness or bipolar you can see that most are completely unstable and it's incredibly easy to push buttons (My meds have erased a lot of my emotions though). I think those people would be closer to average for manic depressives. Anyway, I find what you're going through interesting and wouldn't mind engaging in some sort of dialogue concerning our differences/similarities, at the very least it would help me learn more about myself and sociopaths and offer you the ability to peer into a mind you might not encounter very often.
To summarize one of the points I'm trying to make, is that as I grow older I seem to be gaining better control over my emotions and in some ways closer to the world of sociopathness, which is interesting.
ReplyDeleteMe too in some ways, in other ways further. I wonder if it’s because the reader is finding it easier with age to control emotions, or is it because the immediate family dynamics has loosened its grip? I’m still peeling away layers of that, the first mask. The one put on us by family that’s an amalgamation of beliefs imposed by them and our reactions. The one which, I guess, most people just assume is them.
Good for you. Braving this sight and daring to put in such articulate fashion, the similar experiences you have had at times comparable to, in dealing with your disorder.
ReplyDeleteI give you a HUGE welcome! I too, found myself at this site, marveling over some of the similarities in my experiences when I "phase"... mostly I am on the extreme manic end, and like you Bipolar Type 1.
I was immediately shot down... but that's okay. I come here nonetheless to gain and share perspective.
I am very curious to know more about you.
If you click my name, it leads to my blog 'She's Bipolar'.
There you can e-mail me if you care to exchange at all.
Best wishes, and kudos!
Thanks Eden, I appreciate the warm words, although I don’t actually consider it a disorder. I’m not sure about the Bipolar Type 1 as I don’t get to the point of real depression ever. It’s more of a kind of existential angst, a feeling of separateness or loneliness. It’s the driving force behind my writing and I wouldn’t dream of giving that up. It would be like being lobotomized.
ReplyDeleteI think a slightly elevated state is the norm for me. Maybe I’m Unipolar Manic, and I’m sure that will be in the DSM as soon as they figure out a med just for it, if it isn’t already. Where mental illness is concerned, I pretty much hold Glasser’s view (see his book Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to your Mental Health if you’re curious).
I did take a look at your blog the other week. Pretty brave to put yourself out there like that, and kind of a cool thing to do as I’m sure a lot of people benefit from it and feel less alone knowing there are others like them out there wrestling similar demons. This week will be a busy one so I’m not sure how much I will be around online, but feel free to email me via the email on my profile if you want to further exchange perspectives.