Sociopathy and Self-Defense

From a reader:

Last night I was reading through one of your old blog posts about love. You had an exchange with an empath which began with her raising a valid question on the nature of sociopathy. She asked if perhaps a sociopath's inability to make human connections was like an aquired defense mechanism stemming from rejection and social isolation in his youth. From the moment I became aware that I was a sociopath several months ago this is exactly what I believed. I was always shy in grade school and high school, although around my close friends and adults I was very charming. Adults often commented on the fact that I carried myself very well for someone my age. However, I could never translate that persona when talking to girls and failed miserably at every connection I tried to make. I thus spent all of my youth in the fantasy world instead of the real one when it came to dating.

I've had minor mental health problems my whole life such as severe anxiety and poor impulse control. I used to have panic attacks when I was 17. I also had a bad habit of talking to myself. Sometimes I would spend what seemed like hours talking to myself in the middle of the night. Whenever I would take a minute to reflect on the reality of what I was doing it would make me feel insane but I'd still keep doing it because it made me feel better. The point is that I was always lonely. In a nutshell, I think the emotions I had were hurting me more than they were helping me. Afterall, what good is it have love inside you if the feeling is never reciprocated by those to whom it's directed at? It created too much negative emotional baggage which prevented me from pursuing certain activities with the proper amount of confidence.

During the winter of this year I could tell my mental health was deteriorating exponentially. After suffering post traumatic stress earlier this year over something which shall remain nameless, I realized I was no longer feeling emotion. At first it was a very liberating feeling, all my past regrets and emotional worries weren't bothering me at all. I felt so good it was like I had gone through some sort of spiritual transformation. I immediately became fearless and after a couple days approached a pretty woman with confidence and had a nice conversation with her. However, after a few weeks I noticed little things here and there that began to disturb me...All of which led me to a psychiatrist and ultimately, your site. My psychiatrist didn't label me sociopathic even though I tried to hint at it in as many ways as possible. I couldn't bring myself to simply come out and tell him that I no longer had feelings for anyone. I was afraid of the ramifications that might ensue.

Which brings me back to my original point. I see sociopathy in my case serving as a self defense mechanism, shielding me from the emotional traps that caused me so much pain in the past. When I analyze the evolution of myself over the course of the years it seems that nature found a way to make me stronger therefore allowing me to accomplish more than would otherwise be possible. I'm going to do some research but I'm curious if there are books on evolutionary psychology which support this idea. It certainly seems plausible.

M.E.: I think the readers will tend to think that you're not a sociopath, just sociopathic. Certain psychologists think that there is a spectrum of sociopathic traits and that normal people can express high levels of sociopathic traits, particularly at certain times in their lives.

Apart from that, though, I wonder if there is a functional difference between people like you who are very sociopathic (at least for now), and people who are sociopaths. I'm sure there are, at least in the same way that a second language will never be the same to you as your first language, even if you choose never to speak your first again. I'm curious to see if you ever snap out of it, though.