Interpersonal

A reader describes a sociopath she dated, who has since become somewhat of a friend:

[On his sleeping around]: It’s like I have an internal conflict going on, I suppose it’s to do with society and how we are brought up to expect people to behave etc. Society tells me that relationships are supposed to be monogamous, open and honest. But I know in reality that is not how it works, I myself cheated on my long term boyfriend, 5 times in fact, and it was never anything to do with him, I really did love him, had I thought he would find out and get hurt I would never have done it, but I knew he wouldn’t and it was fun so I did it.  And so I have a conflict between what I think I am supposed to expect from him, what he delivers, and what I find I am able to accept in reality.

I accept it because I have done it and I’m not a sociopath, so I am in no position to tell him off for doing the same when he is ‘programmed’ to do so. I have also always known what he is like and allow him back in my life on that basis, I cannot therefore start complaining later on down the line. And at the end of the day I just like him being about, so I balance it and have the occasional spat at him. It will run its course. 

For some reason I do believe that he considers me a friend, I cannot see any other reason for him being around, but I also accept that I may be wrong. Maybe he is using me for something, but I cannot think what. I feel that I use him too, I think we all use each other to a certain extent, we spend time with people because it suits us to do so, they entertain us, listen to us, give us comfort etc. I like having him around, he makes me laugh, we get on well together, I know sociopaths tailor themselves to suit who they are with, but again I feel people do that in general, I do not have the same conversations with my father that I have with my friends, again I am different at work. I accept that it is his nature.

Oh it’s all just so frustrating. But it does interest me so much, I’d hate to lose him from my life, though I accept that may well happen one day if/when he gets bored.

I guess I want to know if he does consider me a friend, I don’t expect it to be unconditional, but that he sticks around because he likes to spend time with me.
Is there any chance of him ever opening up to me? I just feel it would make some conversations so much easier, but obviously it is not my place to ‘out’ him, I would never do that.

How do I make him realise that I have no intention of turning my back on him? Like I say, I need to lessen my dependence, but I don’t know how to do it without making him feel like I'm pushing him away.
Any advice would be most gratefully received, I’d also love to hear any observation you have on the situation, feel free to call me a dopey empath!

M.E.: I don't know if he'll ever open up to you.  He is probably so used to relying on his insight that if his instinct is to never tell you the whole truth, he will not second guess that.  (And honestly, I would trust his judgment of what you can handle more than yours, of course no offense intended).

In terms of what he gets out of your relationship, it seem to be companionship and an alleviation of boredom.  I think that sociopaths don't feel lonely so much as get scared that they'll be alone and not by choice, if that makes sense.  They're just worried in general about things that they can't control, and one of those things (at least to a certain extent) are interpersonal relationships.

If you really want to lessen your own reliance on him without tipping him off or hurting his ego, I would suggest acquiring more activities/things/projects/people that will just naturally push him more out of the picture.  As you get busier with your new life and new found interests, he'll look for another, less sucked-dry target.