Nothing

I rarely wake up to an alarm. Consequently, my dreams become increasingly more lucid as I become more conscious. I've noticed that when I'm busy and not sleeping as much as my body wants, my subconscious in these last minutes of sleep will incorporate problem solving into my dreams. It's as if it knows that I want to get up and working on things, so it tries to trick me into sleeping more by giving me the illusion of "solving" things in my dreams. It works. I have honestly thought to myself, no need to get up quite yet because I am getting so much done already.

Sometimes the dreams could be classified as anxiety dreams. One time I dreamed that I was trying to escape from a hospital in which they were performing tests on me. A lot of the time, though, they are innocuous--I am performing research or coming up with theories or solutions for my work. Sometimes I am just managing my day filled with errands, trying to deal with them in the most efficient manner possible.

The problems, like all dream problems, are unending. It can feel rewarding to engage in these little games my subconscious sets up for me, but there is never a complete resolution. Just as I feel that I am getting close to success, some new snafu develops. Again, it's as if my subconscious realizes that if I resolve something completely, the natural consequence would be for me to just wake up. When I do finally wake up, I am relieved that all those problems and snafus have magically disappeared, as if they never existed, because of course they never did.

I've mentioned before that I have a death wish. Some people wondered what I meant. I don't mean it in a brooding, morose way. I don't daily yearn for death to end the torment of my life. My life isn't tormented. I don't really yearn for anything. That's sort of the problem. Sometimes I feel like my life is like these pseudo lucid dreams I have in the morning in which I go from one project or scheme to another--one seduction becomes the next, one career move becomes the next, one plan to "ruin" someone becomes the next. Everything is enjoyable, in fact my day-to-day activities are all either very self-indulgent and pleasurable or richly rewarding. By design, there is very little tedium in my life--except for life itself. My wish for death then is more a wish that this existence was something that I could wake up from. (I know, right? Total Inception rip off.)

I have a vague sensation of a nothingness about life. I don't think it's accurate to call it emptiness. Empty suggests that there is some vacancy, some volume that is left unfilled. I have used the word abyss before, but that is similarly inaccurate. It's not quite boredom, as it is lack of meaning or real fulfillment. Sometimes I think it is a symptom of what I am, but I've read enough literature to think that it is actually a quite common sensation. It's probably why so many people answer the question, "What's wrong?" with "Nothing."