My friend listens to this when she's feeling overwhelmed by her daddy issues. I feel like it is such a classic victim song.
I know you don't mean to be mean to me
'Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan
I say I'm done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said
I buy into those eyes
And into your lies
You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
I wish you were where you're supposed to be
Close to me
But here I am just starring at this candle burning out
And still no sound
Of footsteps on my stairs
Or your voice anywhere
You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
Eww
ReplyDeletedude you fergot 1st
ReplyDeleteHave you ever wondered what winning at life is? Not on a strictly cultural or ethnic level, but a personal level?
ReplyDeleteMy predicament is that whenever I set myself to something and eventually get what I want, it's lost most of its inherit value to me. Whether it's trivial or major, the journey seems to be all that matters, not the start or end point. It's sort of like killing your white whale, only it's constantly replaced.
When I was younger, I prided myself on avoiding the rat races in life, not caring about community or funds, fame or success. I was just happy to be an effective, intelligent person that seemed to have an edge over most people I met. I had a con man as a father who unbeknownst to me showed me the ropes in handling people with ease, I had no attachments to keep me bound, a solid education, and a very cynical view on the human condition to almost a state of misanthropy. And yet, all these years later, with a dose of reality and maturity, I find myself with far more questions and far fewer answers, trying to deconstruct my own purpose to myself. This was my new white whale that I couldn't seem to ever catch.
I still haven't caught the bastard. It seems like the vacuum of an existential existence constantly at odds with with a sense of destiny in a cruel cognitive dissonance is one of the few things that still pokes at me with a sharp pang of doubt.
I do know one thing. I want to go to outer space, because face it, it's fucking space. How cool is that shit?
TNP, is it the increasing awareness of death that is mellowing you out? You used to sound so sure and arrogant not long ago.
DeleteWhen did you get diagnosed with cancer? Have you made your 'peace with life' or are you 'focused on fighting' the cancer?
I wouldn't equate a self-indulgent rambling with the loss of arrogance, but to each their own.
DeleteCancer hasn't really changed me at all, but the treatment has. It's almost killed me a few times, both in and out of hospital/medical facilities. The type of chemotherapy I undergo is dangerous both during and after administering a treatment, and I've been hospitalized a few times because of it. So yes, multiple brushes with death where I didn't know if I held a prayer did affect me. But maybe not the way you think.
I wasn't seeking penance or desperately trying to fill out a bucket list. I'm not a person of regrets and not much for restraint to begin with, so there was no kick in the butt to do stuff I always wanted to do, because I've already done most of it (except space, GODDAMMIT! I want to go to space...) It was more a realization of mortality on a very foreshadowing level. Being in danger is not a new phenomenon for me at all, but being unable to do anything about it but sit there and sputter while the very medicine used to heal you is simultaneously ruining your body, internal organs, et cetera, it's pretty freaky. To top it off, a friend of mine was diagnosed with a different cancer around the same time and died from chemo complications about two months in.
So essentially, the one thing most folks around these parts hate more than anything (being powerless) is what you have to deal with all the time. It sucks. What sucks more is when you look past the neuropathy, the hair loss, the weight loss, the social stigma, and constant feeling of being ill, you sometimes get to feel like your old self before your next treatment, maybe one glorious day or afternoon, and then it's back into the chemo frontlines with you.
I wouldn't say I've made peace with my cancer, since I'm not terminal (I'm almost in remission) and I don't think I ever was "fighting it". Mostly I just get high and spend way too much time in my head, dicking around indoors.
If there's one way this whole experience has affected me, it's been a disenchantment of immortality.
I know it's not the answer you want, but that's the facts, kid.
TNP x x
DeleteTNP,
DeleteI wanted to hear your answer, was not fishing for any particular answer.
It's interesting that you say 'you are not fighting cancer.' What is accepting all that chemo and stuff? There are people who choose to refuse all of that. You do mention that your friend died of the 'treatment' which to me translates the 'fight.'
Your reply is in a very different tone than how you used to be, still confirming my observation. You did not have this sense of 'unable to do anything about' before, and now you do. That sure grows one up. That loss of sense of immortality. All regulars here need that to balance the joy of life with all the nonsense we keep dancing around, unaware that death dances around us every second...
As for your desire for space... Be careful what you wish for, you may go there in spirit soon--like the rest of us.
For the record...
DeleteTNPMay 20, 2012 4:33 AM
I wouldn't equate a self-indulgent rambling with the loss of arrogance, but to each their own.
Cancer hasn't really changed me at all, but the treatment has. It's almost killed me a few times, both in and out of hospital/medical facilities. The type of chemotherapy I undergo is dangerous both during and after administering a treatment, and I've been hospitalized a few times because of it. So yes, multiple brushes with death where I didn't know if I held a prayer did affect me. But maybe not the way you think.
I wasn't seeking penance or desperately trying to fill out a bucket list. I'm not a person of regrets and not much for restraint to begin with, so there was no kick in the butt to do stuff I always wanted to do, because I've already done most of it (except space, GODDAMMIT! I want to go to space...) It was more a realization of mortality on a very foreshadowing level. Being in danger is not a new phenomenon for me at all, but being unable to do anything about it but sit there and sputter while the very medicine used to heal you is simultaneously ruining your body, internal organs, et cetera, it's pretty freaky. To top it off, a friend of mine was diagnosed with a different cancer around the same time and died from chemo complications about two months in.
So essentially, the one thing most folks around these parts hate more than anything (being powerless) is what you have to deal with all the time. It sucks. What sucks more is when you look past the neuropathy, the hair loss, the weight loss, the social stigma, and constant feeling of being ill, you sometimes get to feel like your old self before your next treatment, maybe one glorious day or afternoon, and then it's back into the chemo frontlines with you.
I wouldn't say I've made peace with my cancer, since I'm not terminal (I'm almost in remission) and I don't think I ever was "fighting it". Mostly I just get high and spend way too much time in my head, dicking around indoors.
If there's one way this whole experience has affected me, it's been a disenchantment of immortality.
I know it's not the answer you want, but that's the facts, kid.
"One glorious day of feeling well"------how many of us take that for granted. Sobering.
DeleteHonestly; who doesn't want to go to space? There's a planet made of burning ice out there for God's sake! (Gliese 436 b, if you're interested. And you should be.) There probably are people who don't want to, but they're not the kind of people whose existence I want to acknowledge. Like all those conspiracy, "we never went to the moon", nut-jobs. Denying what is arguably mankind's single never happened is as close as you can get to insulting every human being that ever made a contribution to science. And I feel personally insulted every single time... Related.
DeleteYou don't want to acknowledge the existence of the people who don't want to go to the space?
DeleteAre you real? Who the fuck are you, man? How important and significant are you? Have you been all around the world yet? Are you just a bullshitter like the conspiracy theorists you so hate? So you want to go to the moon. Got enough cash? Any realistic dreams that you can afford?
Abbie Autie
DeleteThis could actually be the theme song for every girl that's gone out with, and fallen for, a 'bad boy'. They all think they're special, that he'll change for her...eventually. It's just going to be more effort, that's all. Once he realises how wonderful she is, how he will never love anyone as much... her toad will finally turn into the handsome prince charming she can live happily ever after with. No matter how badly these women get treated, they always come back for more. You hear those stories all the time:
ReplyDelete'My ex was a sociopath. He made my life hell. He's cheated on me, took my money, destroyed my family and soul, then dumped me unceremoniously. Please, please help me get him back...'
Honestly, these martyr types bring out the worst in me. They're just so eager to be used and abused. How can we deny them?
don't:D we victims exist 100% for Your Use, keep on abusing, please Sir.
Deletegreen eyes, how did you get this cynical?
DeleteVictim, I'm sure you really were special and your boyfriend really was different.. as long as there are willing victims, there will be lots of obliging bad boys. I'm a girl, have dated plenty of bad boys myself. The trick is not to get attached and never give more than you get.
DeleteWhat's wrong with a little cynicism? I've known a lot women going through this. I kid you not, there are many of them. Just pining away for that gorgeous bad boy they met. The one who made them feel oh so good, whilst treating them like dirt.
No matter what I tell those women, no matter how much I try to help them, they just keep on kissing that toad, convinced he will turn into their prince. At least when they are friends, I can just discard them and be free of their whining. Not as easy to do with family.
It gets very old, very fast.
Yes, you have some good points.
DeleteI think that the trick is balance. To be a total pussy is bad. To be a total hard bitch is bad. I suppose it is worse to be a pussy than a hard bitch but somewhere in the middle would probably be the best place.
DeleteWell yes, balance is good, but I see it as a 'horses for courses' deal. If you have a gorgeous bad boy/girl, good for you. They make the best fuck buddies. Just don't let the superficial charm fool you into thinking there can be a real life fairy tale here.
DeleteIf you meet a nice guy/girl, one who genuinely cares and makes you feel good, but doesn't bore the hell out of you, keep them around, as a friend if nothing else. They can be very useful.
If you can't have some vulnerability, you are in an insular self made prison. If you have too much, you will be mashed road kill. Herein, lies the dilemma, my friends.
DeleteMonica - here's an idea keep your vulnerability reserved for the "very special" don't let it show around most people they will use you. The dilemma is of your own making you can be whatever you choose. You chose to be a "nice" person, to follow the rules and look at where it has gotten you maybe it's time to do things a little differently. How about being the "bad" guy for once doing things only for yourself. there is nothing wrong with it. live selfishly for a little bit and you will never go back. live and learn from the people here they know a couple things that most people don't understand.
DeleteMonica, I find you talking about mashed road kill a little kinky. Lovely thought...
DeleteThanks Anon. I will think about what you said.
DeleteI think a fully functioning person has access to the varying human dimensions i.e his sensitivity, his vulnerability and his discernment. Good emotional functioning is not a static state where one is locked in to one pole or another i.e extreme distance or enmeshment. I agree with the Anon who wrote about balance.
DeleteDr. Franklin - Here is my situation and if you have a minute i would be grateful for a response. I find that I have to wear a "mask" most of the time. I pretend to be super nice and sweet although i can't stand most people i speak to. I find them jealous, petty and worthless but I need to fit in and putting people at ease opens them up to me. I am very good at social situations because for me it's choreographed personality and because I really don't care about other people's opinion (95% of the time) they seem to flock to me. When I do care about someone I put on an indifferent act..super cold I'm not nice at all and for some reason this is successful with men they like me more. I feel as if I am always acting I can never be me and at times I don't even know what that is anymore. Just that I am distrustful and don't like most people. You could say I am paranoid but the sad truth is that most people end up revealing themselves to be exactly what I envision they are. The only people I care for empathize with are children and some family members.
DeleteWhat is your question?
DeleteDo I have a personality disorder? is there any analysis you have of what I am?
DeleteI can't answer that on a blog. Seek out a professional who can evaluate you. I wish you well!
DeleteDr. Franklin - Let's say I was speaking of a friend could you give me advice as to what I would say to this friend? btw I am a lawyer and anything you say is just strictly entertainment purposes I don't hold you to any professional standards here, I would never suppose that I was speaking to a dr. even you may not be. humor me..;)
DeleteI have a question for you, Dr Franklin.
DeleteA friend of mine was just diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and she won't talk to me about it. How can I get her to open up to me is my first question? My second question is what can you tell me about it?
Dr. Franklin is a joke..why bother posting if you are so afraid to say anything? c'est la vie.
DeleteI comment when I can. However, you should know that therapy cannot be done over the internet on a blog. I hope you are more sophisticated than that and I am sure you are!
DeleteDo you think I need therapy?
Delete'DR' Fomentile, how is it that you turned out to be so utterly full of shit? You claim you can't help this guy, yet you were quite happy to put in an entire psychoanalysis of Raven a month ago. Unsolicited one, mind you. Never mind that it read exactly like something you copy and pasted from a horoscope website.
DeleteNow here you had somebody actually asking you for help. You had a chance to be a tad less of a wanker, but instead you brushed him off. Some professional you are... I for one, am very spanking impressed!
Anon, if you really want to know about BPD, don't talk to dime store quacks. There's a blog that's not only a good read, but could be helpful too:
http://downwardspiralintothevortex.blogspot.com.au/
Stupid, pathetic bitch. No doubt the type that turns around when they finally wake up to it all saying "all guys are bastards" when they are the ones that choose these bastards.
ReplyDeleteIt was silly cows like that gave me the idea if that's what they want I'll give it to em.
Your Right Sir!
DeleteLol
DeleteOnce when I was younger I allowed myself to become emotionally vulnerable to someone and grew attached to the point where he had total control and abused that power the more he realized he had it. It happened without my realizing it was happening. I blame myself for being so weak and allowing it. Going through it has had a very profound affect on me in that it has made me much stronger. I guess the side affects are extreme cynicism, skepticism, etc. The funny thing is that no matter how cynical my attitude is it is usually spot on. I am almost impossible to manipulate now because I see through the tricks and mind games.
ReplyDeleteI struggle whether or not to tell a lover I don't have faith. I want to say, but I realize that in and of itself is just a manipulation to get them to try harder. That isn't what I want at all. I have a love hate relationship with my extreme skepticism. I think it is a crutch.
DeleteAnon - it's much better to not say something than to say it. I ruined things by saying the L word..I've only said it once and meant it, I've only said it once first and not heard it back. There is only one person who saw me completely real and vulnerable and it was terrible. Don't put yourself out there it's much better to be in control. NOt having faith is a good thing it means you are vigilant. Don't think that scepticism is a bad thing I did i thought why am I so judgmental and I learned the hard way that your initial instinct is spot on just go with it.
DeleteIf I go with my initial instinct I am going with doubt or hope. Both are fucking annoying. I can't pen myself up.
Deleteso you are impulsive because you would like to do SOMETHING instead of nothing. You don't have to do anything though. things will happen or they won't for you, yes?
Delete*hypnotic state sets in* .. . Y E S . . .
Delete*hypnotic stare* I will help make your decisions for you, my child.
DeleteThat would be just groovy, Master.
DeleteThe PD is stuck on like a glued on mask from Hell. The Twilight Zone had an episode about a masked ball and at the end no one could remover his mask. One has some wiggle room in the mask to change one's way of thinking such as being more positive in a Tony Robbins kind of way. However,one can't make a long jump off the diving board into the clear water as one's mask makes it impossible, The mask makes one SEE life in a proscribed way. One acts from one's thoughts. Hence, the mask is a prison one carries on one's back like a snail shell.
ReplyDeleteCan a person HELP how they see life? No. The artifice is carefully constructed, out of necessity. It cannot be broken down without extreme measures. Extreme measures would be spiritual imo.
Carlos Castenada took off the kinds of masks I am talking about with drugs. Drugs can do it but, they are a wild card, as you can't control what happens. Spiritual practices can open the same channels but it takes persistence.
DeleteYou used the word "Proscribed," yesterday, and here it is again. I was told by a friend that to remember
Deletesomething, you can tell two people and it works. But
in three different posts you used the word "layered."
Strange.
So what if someone uses the same word. What point are you trying to make? Is this a secret plot by the Illuminati?
DeleteLOL..Paranoid?
DeleteJust wondering what is the larger point of dis here question?
DeleteJust an observation that I wanted to share with others. Can you comprehend that?
DeleteSure Dude.
DeleteThat's great Duke
DeleteAfter you, Sir.
DeleteI'm female
DeleteFuck u all
ReplyDeleteHow rude!
DeleteYour friend is pathetic, M.E. Just like this song.
ReplyDeleteTough, Raven... yeyyy... victimized by her own dad, she has no tolerance for victims anymore. learned to be a sadist, feels safer that way, because from now on he is never going to be the victim... good girl...
DeleteBut Raven is right anyway...
DeleteAgreed. Raven, your are realistic, to the point. in a place where so many "Over explain" things.
DeleteTheme Song for TNP
ReplyDeletethis song is pathetic this friend is sad too. I want to mention there is something worse though..to be ignored to wait for the call sucks but how about this what if the monster does call and does come over..and what if he is with you all the time. he doesn't let you down he spends all his free time with you is that better? No be thankful when a sociopath tires of you and goes away it's a good thing. the problem is that he might be fascinated he might love what you do for him and stay and stay and the longer he is there the more screwed up you will become. The day that they leave is the day you can breathe again. The funny thing is I didn't realize how screwed up I was until we stopped seeing each other it was like oxygen to me and I didn't know i was suffocating
ReplyDeleteIsn't Carrie Underwood a charachter from "Sex ampersand the City"?
ReplyDeleteThat's Carrie Bradshaw :)
DeleteI am bored and annoyed by some posts..why do people expect other people to be "good". that is the most ridiculous expectation of all. Most people are not "nice" deal with it don't expect better why is that such a complicated concept?
ReplyDeleteYes maybe one in a million person you meet will be different but it's a rare exception. Be real stop being naive and hopeful face reality. If someone is being nice, that's their mask, or maybe they want something, or maybe they're a good actor, or they want to make a good impression don't be seduced instantly by good looks and a pretty smile.
That's really freaky shit to read for me. It really is. It makes me feel alienated, as if I have been living in another world. Majority of the people are 'nice.' Period. You are projecting who you are unto the majority. You are the one who is not nice.
DeleteOf course you should not be seduced by looks or smile, but if you have brains you can watch people's actions and decide based on actions.
You are bored and annoyed by the posts... Trust me you are just bored and annoyed by being you, that's your biggest problem. You hate yourself.
lol..anon 6:02 you are living in another world, you are delusional if you think everything is as it appears. If I met you I bet we would have a "nice" chat within 2 minutes I would find something in common, look for cues and say what you want to hear. I'm good at it. Is it real? no, it's just the inane conversation starter people use to see if there's anything they can get out of you.
DeleteHate to disappoint you but I don't hate myself:) far from it I love myself above all others (almost). I am anything but bored I am always entertained by people like you who play it "straight" and think everyone else does too and watch you react to the mind games around you. I almost want to take you by the hand and say look, see how it is, you are like a child you don't see half things happening around you ...oh well you are like most people it's useless explaining things to you it's impossible to teach. You either get it or you don't and if not you get very angry lol.
That's very true. Actually I now feel a bit sorry for people who still live on the carebear cloud . Since my mind-shift of sorts, I've realized how much of what was happening around me I had been missing . Now I can see wannabe predators coming weeks before they start trying anything , I can basically swim around traps like a fish , and when I somehow miscalculate (i'm no sociopath :p )I locate the trap, circle it and reappear behind my hunter's back to push her (generally a her) in it.Saying that a sociopath hates himself is the biggest bunch of crap one can utter. But I agree that trying to teach this doesn't work . I've tried teaching a friend of mine and she was horrified ... it would have helped her so much, but she cannot get rid of her crippling feelings . What it takes is trauma maybe. Anyway all this to say: what you're saying is so silly .
DeleteActually she reacted as you did: by telling me all about her feelings . You can't start an exchange with a sociopath by telling him you're freaked out and "feeling alienated " . It's just common sense. I can't even begin to understand WHY you would think that's a good idea....
DeleteLike I said... fuck you all
ReplyDeleteAnd we care so much...
DeleteOpinions die, it is only the record that stands
DeleteShucks guys, all of these comments about abuse are turning me on. Continue, please.
ReplyDeletesexy abuser :D we victims live to turn You on!
Delete