New experiences

I've been in the bush for the past little bit. While following our guide I thought about what it must be like to experience this same thing over and over again with slight variation. He would try to give us an idea of what was a good and a bad idea to do, where we were likely to see certain things and when we should hurry up because things were going to be even better at a subsequent location. He was quite knowledgeable, but perhaps because we were paying him, he didn't seem to really want to order us around to places. But all I really wanted to do was defer to his expertise because although I knew better my own thoughts and desires, he knew much better than I about the situation I found myself in and so overall it seemed to make the most sense to follow his judgment.

I thought, being in a relationship with a sociopath must be sort of like this. For the non-sociopath, everything is pretty new. For the sociopath, everything is a bit of deja vu. Like my guide, you are having slightly different experiences, but mostly they are variations on a theme. When I am in the beginning of relationships I always feel this way. I try to acclimate them to my way of thinking, that I am not a particularly emotional person, that I often need people to be very explicit about what they want from me, etc. People often balk a little at my descriptions of myself. Surely I am selling myself short, or making myself seem more abnormal than the facts would warrant. I'm not pushy about things. If they don't believe me, I let them find out for myself -- like my guide did on a particularly boring rabbit hole we chased for a while because someone in my group insisted that he knew better.

I'm not saying that guides are infallible or that they can't learn something new on every excursion, or that it's necessarily wise to leave important decisions up to a near stranger (particularly when they aren't aware of your own particular needs and desires). I guess I just thought it was an interesting parallel -- a good explanation for those people who find themselves starting a relationship with a sociopath, particularly when the sociopath seems to be constantly waiting for things to progress to the next anticipated stage while you are left completely baffled by what is happening.