This was an interesting recent article in the NY Times, "Understanding How Children Develop Empathy," but I thought some of the parts about the source and development of prosocial behavior were just as interesting--particularly that it is not just about (or even primarily) about empathy:
By itself, intense empathy — really feeling someone else’s pain — can backfire, causing so much personal distress that the end result is a desire to avoid the source of the pain, researchers have found. The ingredients of prosocial behavior, from kindness to philanthropy, are more complex and varied.
They include the ability to perceive others’ distress, the sense of self that helps sort out your own identity and feelings, the regulatory skills that prevent distress so severe it turns to aversion, and the cognitive and emotional understanding of the value of helping.
And this part about how people can be taught to feel the rewards of prosocial acts:
Experimental studies have shown that the same brain region that is activated when people win money for themselves is active when they give to charity — that is, that there is a kind of neurologic “reward” built into the motivational system of the brain.
“Charitable giving can activate the same pleasure-reward centers, the dopaminergic centers, in the brain that are very closely tied to habit formation,” said Bill Harbaugh, an economist at the University of Oregon who studies altruism. “This suggests it might be possible to foster the same sorts of habits for charitable giving you see with other sorts of habits.”
The other theory of prosocial behavior, Dr. Huettel said, is based on social cognition — the recognition that other people have needs and goals. The two theories aren’t mutually exclusive: Cognitive understanding accompanied by a motivational reward reinforces prosocial behavior.
But shaping prosocial behavior is a tricky business. For instance, certain financial incentives seem to deter prosocial impulses, a phenomenon called reward undermining, Dr. Huettel said.
I thought that made a lot of sense, that a lot of prosocial acts stem from a greater cognitive understanding that other people have needs and goals. I feel like the more aware I have been taught to be about the inner worlds of others, the more I am naturally inclined to defer to those needs and goals, especially when it is hardly any trouble to me and means so much to them.
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i am first. I need advices. is there someone smart with borderlines or just regular people?
ReplyDeleteIf you're looking for advice from someone here, you should probably email them privately.
DeleteThat's a good idea. Thank you :)
Delete"i am first" LOL! I dont know why but that made me laugh!
DeletePeople ask for advice here, Anon.
DeleteYeah I think it is better to ask for advice here on the forum because than you will get different answers/perspectives from multiple people, some of which are probably borderlines themselves.
DeleteGood luck! I will try to help you if I can :)
the forum can be creepy. I m going to ask here because many people here are not judgmental. i will also check your advice with 2 or 3 other people, so do not worry bec you know i am easily influenced. I am not hasty anymore. I am indecisive.
DeleteI am the girl who put her bf email up here after dumping him in the middle of the night bec i saw emails procuring other females on dating site. I never told him i saw his email. I just said his activity level on the site was a turn off. SO I dumped him saying very little.
I was a bit paranoid and thought he is just another boring narcissist who will get away with cheating if he can. But really, many men will do the same. RIch is right that i do not have to jump to conclusions and call him a narc and put a cross on his head and ex him out. On the other hand some very good people here say i should not give out too many passes to questionable people, period.
I do not think he is anything dangerous but he is a self interested person. we all are. I do not think I am in love with him. Because I do not know how to hold on to that(love) and I do not even know if i can say it to mean the same thing he will think it means. It seems a little unattainable for me, whatever, so lets just get that out on the table. but whether or not i will love him, I do get attached. Even though i have one foot out the door i get attached. It hurt that i needed to let him go. But I liked it that i could have taken or left him.
TO my surprise , he has been actively trying to win me back. I am very happy about this because i have never taken a stance and gotten a nice result.
i did not ask him to justify himself or anything. I do not like that position. -People will do what they do . i am not going to be some scary authority figure he rebels against when he feels antsy. this is not my idea of a nice relationship. I do not want to be anybody's ball and chain and i do not want a husband, i do not want to hear i am sorry, i just want to have what it was before when i TRUSTED him. I want Easy and relaxing. I told him.
^ I told him this last night when I met with him. He wass really trying hard with me. He wants me to believe that he was just browsing . he closed his account (he SAYS) and realized that although he has this excessive need for stimulation he wants ME and it was ridiculous for him to even look. I could not get him to admit he was not just browsing. I just ended up saying that I found it hard to believe that is all he did. He was frustrated. i said i do not believe you and he said how can i change that. i said he could not, that if what i believe is what i believe then it is real. (plus I know the truth anyway)
DeleteI thought to myself that if i ever want this person again i must not reveal that i know everything. i will feel like he vetted me well. Which, hey let's face it, he just did, amiright?
i like being with this man. I like the sex more than any other aspect. I have an intermittent desire to meet his children. They scare me because i am separate and i will never matter more. i understand this. I think i chose a man with these preoccupations so i can have the extra me-time and also fill my need to feel or imagine feeling "less-than". I have mixed feelings about being in a "family" . It is fine the way it is. They are his everything. i respect him being a very hands-on dad. he tears up when he talks about them. he is smart and kind. when i blew pot smoke in my cats face to get him high he thought that was cruel.
I also have relationship phobia, and I get claustrophobic. I do not like to see him more than 2x per week, even. He would like it, but i don't want to ruin the "newness". I get fucking bored too. I cannot say this to someone. Can I ???
I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I want to be with him. I asked him if he would be interested in having sex some times in the future when the "relationship" drama died down. He did not want that. He wants ME, he said. He wants exclusivity. Ha. This was very pleasing to me, though. I am very susceptible to overt proclamations and such. I am feeling gooey there, and i tell him that is very nice. i do not do anything though. I did kiss him because i could not resist. I do not move mentally though. he sees this and tries to bore into my mind with his eyes while holding the back of my head to come into him . i wanted to lol bec it was very -idk, narcy?? whatev.
He then tells me how he will have this situation over the holidays and we can have such a good relaxing time together. This is like putting candy in front of a baby. I like luxury. I am tempted.
I expect he will do this behavior again because i believe it.
Last night i had a whole daydream where we were finally together again and i said "i love you" during sex. -i do not voice this ever. It was very nice and he said it back. In the morning, today, i felt cheap.
How bad do i lie to myself? I cannot see clearly.
I see it but have to go do something. I will come back and study it. I am glad you shared. Rich is cool to have offered and then I was not so shy to offer, as well.
Deletethank you very much. it is ok. i can just do nothing about this if i want . i do not think i want nothing, though. I do not like not having control.
Deleteit does not require immediate attention. thank you just for being there .
Deleteto Rich, too
DeleteAfter giving your situation much thought and consideration...
DeleteI have concluded, that you both have AIDS.
Neither of you are truly interested in having anything meaningful, your entire relationship is an elaborate mating dance, except that you require more practice.
Ok--My opinion is that he will go back on the dating sites as soon as he thinks he "has you back"
DeleteMaybe, this is OK with you. Maybe not, but I feel like he will resume what he was doing.
Hey Anon!!!!! I was wondering where you went! I only read up to the part where you said you were you but now I will go back and read it all.
DeleteWhat I meant before was that they still CAN BE Sociopathic/Narcissistic/Borderlines, but names shouldnt matter if you dont know exactly what they are (But if you do know what they are than good you know their exact pathology), as long as they are TOXIC people for you to be around, it is best to get away from them ASAP for your own good :)
Okay FIRST OFF, before I answer ANYTHING.....
DeleteWhen I read this "when i blew pot smoke in my cats face to get him high he thought that was cruel."
I think you are MY TYPE of woman!!!! LOL! I get my cats high too :) It's not cruel if they enjoy it ;)
I'd kick her to the curb right there and then.
DeleteYou disrespect the cat, you disrespect the man.
Okay, I think I got the gist of your situation.
DeleteOne thing I have to ask is, do you have any personality disorder/disorders of your own? The only thing that made me think that you might was when you said:
"I do not think I am in love with him. Because I do not know how to hold on to that(love) and I do not even know if i can say it to mean the same thing he will think it means. It seems a little unattainable for me, whatever, so lets just get that out on the table."
He dosent sound like such a bad guy to me, from what you are sharing with us at least. Is he a single father? Are the kids ALWAYS with him or does he have shared custody?
It seems to me like you want something fresh, exciting, and new that will not cause you to become bored, and that is understandable...... If I were you I wouldnt just come out and say- " I do not like to see him more than 2x per week, even. He would like it, but i don't want to ruin the "newness". I get fucking bored too. I cannot say this to someone. Can I ??? "
I have an idea, maybe you can "reframe" what you were saying but in a different more acceptable way to him. Something like "I like you alot, I really do, but I have been hurt/burned in the past so I would like to take this VERY SLOWLY."
I think you can be honest about being claustrophobic in relationships, but tell him that you feel Claustrofobic in relationships that happen to soon before you fully know a person and explain that for you personally, it takes time to get to know somebody before a committed "relationship".
I think you are smart and right in alot of the things you say. Plus, you are just being HONEST with how you feel, and nobody can fault you for that.
BUT, like I said before there are ways to "reframe" what you are saying or way to put it in a more positive light.
Now I have to ask this, WOULD you ever consider a long term comitted relationship with this man, and would that relationship also include his children full time?
LOL Anon @ 1:23, it was HER cat! She didnt disrespect the man!
DeleteMaybe he just felt like she was forcing it on her cat and it made him uncomfortable, but some cats LOVE IT!
My brothers cat has loved getting high since he was a kitten. My brother is a licensed medical marijuana grower in california and he got a cat but couldnt keep it because his apartment dosent allow pets and his neighbors ratted him out because the cat would always be looking outside of his window.......
So my brother brought his cat here to FL where I live and we have 3 cats already before we took his in, and his cat is SO CUTE. He also LOVES to get high, when you smoke he will run up and sit down/lay down next to you and purr, so my brother told me when Iam smoking to blow some to the cat, because he has loved it since he was a baby.
Now the cat is best friends with another one of our cats (they are both males, the other 2 are females) and this cat has the MOST ENERGY I have ever seen on a cat, especially since he has been getting high since he was little........ When it is night time and we bring them inside (because in FL we have racoons and stuff) sometimes he will sit at our sliding glass door and rub at it with his paw and cry that he wants to go outside...... He rarely does it at night anymore, but in the morning before we open the door for the cats (we open it when the sun comes out) he will sit there and longingly look out the window until we let him out! LOL he is hilarious
Plus 2 days ago we got out christmas traa and he LOVES IT, he sleeps under it like he is a present and he tries to climb up the branches! In my backyard some of the trees are a couple hundred feet in the air and sometimes he will climb up them like 50 feet and just lay down and go to sleep, he is a real character.......
1152 you are wrong. we both are interested but are fearful. How do you know about our mutual aids?
DeleteRIch the guy said I had no way of knowing whether or not my cat would like to be high. He said I wasn't giving my cat a choice on the matter. I think he has a point.
Delete@Rich
DeleteLol, yeah, cats are some magnificent beasts.
My cat passed away a few months back, unfortunately for me, I'm sure that he's happily lapping up some milk-mead over in Valhalla. I don't think I'll be getting another cat after him. That was one awesome cat, even dogs feared him.
Those are some big ass trees you got there by the way.
Monica, yes, my mind tells me he will go back on when he has me back.
DeleteI do not like the mating dance if it was already something more. If it has been diminished to "the mating dance" I am bored with that too. I like the challenge of doing a relationship. I cannot try to be intimate when I know that it is just a mating dance. This is not the roller coaster worth taking.
20 months of slowly getting to a point i could think about trusting him and this happens?? No.
Now I have to ask this, WOULD you ever consider a long term comitted relationship with this man, and would that relationship also include his children full time?
DeleteI would have considered it. I like monogamy and long-term trusting.
His children are his only part-time.
Oh hey and Rich, I am weeyll let's see here... borderline and bipolar, and i have fear and ocd, probably a little ADD, a bit psycho, somewhat narcissistic but not really a serial killer, y'know?
DeleteI have looked up empathy in bipolars and of people who have been severely depressed or numbed with drugs... I have to assume something went awry somewhere.
Deleteanon 226
DeleteYou will have another cat oneday. it will choose you.
Oh hey and Rich, I am weeyll let's see here... borderline and bipolar, and i have fear and ocd, probably a little ADD, a bit psycho, somewhat narcissistic but not really a serial killer, y'know?
DeleteLol
Monica, yes, my mind tells me he will go back on when he has me back.
DeleteI do not like the mating dance if it was already something more. If it has been diminished to "the mating dance" I am bored with that too. I like the challenge of doing a relationship. I cannot try to be intimate when I know that it is just a mating dance. This is not the roller coaster worth taking.
20 months of slowly getting to a point i could think about trusting him and this happens?? No.
I would bet Anon's cat that he won't change.
I have an idea, maybe you can "reframe" what you were saying but in a different more acceptable way to him. Something like "I like you alot, I really do, but I have been hurt/burned in the past so I would like to take this VERY SLOWLY."
DeleteYes, this works. In the beginning. Not after 2o months. after that time it is just a game to say that . I am going to maybe take him back if i can start to trust him again?? that is a tease and also feels like a lie. I would maybe do this for revenge or for playing with someone. but i do not waste my time with that . I do not want to prolong nonsense. unless it is the mating dance o:
Anon @ 2:14, Yeah he is right. My cat DOES like it though, he comes up to us when we smoke and loves it, the other cats run away when we blow smoke in their faces! lol
DeleteI had a feeling you have a PD, not that there is anything wrong with that, it is just who you are.
Do you think you could/ Would you tell your partener about your BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? I think that is what he has to worry about more than Bipolar, OCD, and ADD.
thank you Monica, Rich and Anon. I hope you have a good weekend.
DeleteAnon @ 2:26, Iam very sorry to hear that.......
DeleteAs a metter of fact, one of my cats is dying as we speak :(
She has been on painkillers and antibiotics for the last month.
She is on a really strong painkiller med called Buprenorphine, humans take it to it is 40X more potent than morphine, which means 40mg's of morphine equals 1mg of buprenorphine. Buprenorphine is used in humans for pain in an innjection called Buprenex, and is used to detox addicts from opiates in meds called Subutex/Suboxone.....
SOMETHING IS FREAKING ME OUT, I fell asleep eariler and nobody was home and ever since than my cat (the one who is dying) has been missing and we cant find her. She was an indoor/outdoor cat so she knows her way around and iam not worried about that, but yesterday she tried to jump up on my bed and was too weak to even make it, that is why we give her the painkiller buprenorphine twice a day......
I hear that ALOT OF CATS run away when they are dying, so I think maybe she ran away because she knew she was going to die....... I hope not though, we are just trying to keep her comfortable on painkillers until the vet thinks it is time to put her down, last time we brought her he said she wasnt ready yet :(
I dont want her to suffer though, that is why he is keeping her on painkillers and we RELIGIOUSLY give them to her twice a day and Amoxicillin twice a day too
No problem Anon @ 3:18, we are always here if you feel like talking or want/need some advice :)
DeleteI have told men about being bipolar and they freak. My bpd is not as pronounced, i do not think. I do not feel it is necessary to say bpd, i do not have that diagnosis, and frankly it is none of his fucking business. I am as honest about myself in such a way where i do not look like a leper. I can explain what I need without giving myself a label so he can google and run. Why should I put a leper's sign on my head?
Deleteoh, that is sad about your cat. he will be ok. if he has gone to die he knows best. he is ready and making his decision for himself. they do not like to do it in front of you.
Deleteno i do not think it is fair to myself to tell of bpd if i am healing. Many people have confidence and self worth issues . its not rocket science -if you go with someone who is insecure, you act accordingly or you say you aren;t into the ups and downs, bye bye.
DeleteI hope your cat is OK, Rich!
DeleteAnon @ 3:01, you have to follow your heart on that one...... Do you TRULY DEEP DOWN feel that he is a trustworthy man? Does he deserve your trust and everything you have to offer?
DeleteAlso, you have to ask yourself, do you even WANT TO BE in a long term relationship. Because like you said before you like the "new" feeling and dont wanna see him more than twice a week.
If you DO NOT wanna be in a relationship/ long-term relationship with him than you would be playing a game with his feelings the same way (or even worse) than you would by telling him the whole "I want/need to take things VERY SLOWLY" thing.
THe good thing about this that I can sense in you is that you dont want to play games and mess with his heart/emotions and that is great! That is the first step :)
Anon @ 3:45, I understand your position as I have Agoraphobia/ Panic Disorder and I agree with you that nobody needs to know your personal mental health business. Iam just thinking/saying that it is BOUND to come up sooner or later especilly if you are both in a long-term relationship.
DeleteAnon @ 3:49 and Monica- Thank you both for your nice and considerate responses :)
I dont want her to suffer and if it is her time than she needs to go, that is why we took her to the vet in the first place but he said she could just have an infection/ be sick so he prescribes the antibiotics and painkillers but she has been very weak lately.
Iam not against putting her down at the vet, I as well as my family dont want her to suffer, thats why we religiously dose her with the pain meds and if it is her time we will put her down..... Its just that the last time the vet said she wasnt ready.....
I will keep you both updated :)
Rich, most men that i date do not understand why i need distance, and i would very much like to tell them why. I thank you very much for your reframing statement ideas.
DeleteRe: the bpd, yes it is bound to come out. I panic when getting close/intimate. I prefer to gain confidence and prove my loyalty/desire to communicate BEFORE letting my junk all hang out. I want them to think about all they would miss, all the "good" when they think about dumping me, and then to come back to take the "bad" as just part of the price everyone normal pays to be in relationships.
I know I am scary and confusing to people. My ex (antisocial/narc) let his shit hang out way, way too soon. That is his flaw. I learn from other's mistakes and i have learned from my own. This is my way. If it seems underhanded, so be it. Regular humans lie abt their incomes, their desire to have kids with you, their "love". They are bullshitters of the worst kind. I try try try to plan in advance and choose potential partners who will have patience. It takes patience to be with one like me. If I sound like i am giving you a pity card i do not care. I am worthy of compassion and love just like everyone else with a flaw.
And I am trying to be considerate, yes. But i keep making mistakes with the people i choose. They are somewhat like me, but since i am the "damaged" one I seem like the problem. Some will only see themselves when they fuck up with the normals too much. I have had many men come back and tell me they were idiots to have let me go. Too little too fucking late. If I sound angry then yeah. For the moment :)
I want a long term relationship with SOMEONE. I do not have a good track record unless i have someone lying down like a dog for me. That is not even what any of some of the sociopaths would consider a "toy". THat is a dead thing, a burden, dissatisfying and boring.
and let me expain about the need for newness which I have. It isnt that i want fresh meat every day and variety. I like the same because it is enough. I just like it spread out.
DeleteIt is the feeling i am hanging with a loss of my self. I need other things in my life besides a man, not ONLY because i get bored . It is so many different things.
I have given up self before because of men. I know this sinking feeling where i feel my self is going away, I am becoming invisible to myself, I am falling into nothingness when with another.
I want to be separate in a unit. separate. It is very painful. People without this falling feeling do not get it.
It is a very scary time for me to become involved with another. The self is sacred. I need it even though i have anxieties being in my own skin.
.
I do not desire to play with him and say i want to go slow and fuck with his feelings when i know mine are all over the place. They are all over the place. Yes. Mine always are. This is somehow unattractive and yet somehow oh so thrilling... and it sucks.
Good Morning Sociopathworld!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIam delighted to turn on the Investigation Discovery channel and the show "Evil,I" is on and is anbout Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski, fuckin interesting!
BTW- I was TOUCHED when the cop bought that homeless guy boots!!!!!
“But really, was that why the 3-year-old was crying? Was he tired and frustrated, scared by the noise, jealous of his mother’s attention? Or was he, in fact, upset because his sister was upset — an early step toward empathy, sympathy, kindness and charity?”
ReplyDeleteMoons ago me and a few other dew-droppers were out for a night of fun and mischief. We ended up in a little billiard’s hall where I ran across a sweet redhead. She took a liking to me and I was certain I could get her back to my place. As luck would have it one of the boys found mischief and got himself stabbed over a bet. We had to smoke out fast and leave the old Joe behind as a couple of us had warrants. Turned out Joe didn’t fair to well. On the walk back to our apartments I was thinking about the night I almost had with my Betty and I was feeling a little down. One of the boys walked up and told me I should cheer up that Joe would be fine he was just sure of it. I didn’t get what he was talking about so I nodded and went back to thinking about the redheaded honey. Damn she was pretty.
Hall of Fame Themes
ReplyDeleteTheme for Daniel Birdick
DeleteHall of Fame Themes
DeleteTheme for Medusa
Theme Series
DeleteTheme for Anon 11:26
Deletethank you themes. -1126
DeleteM.E - Aware of the inner worlds of others -
ReplyDelete"The more I am naturally inclined to defer to those needs and goals, especially when it is hardly any trouble to me and means so much to them."
It sounds like M.E. is making the choice to be a better human being. He doesn't have to be "religious" but he has chose to have character. :)
Not an opportunist but character.
DeleteInterresting.
ReplyDeleteI have the feeling the Connecticut guy thought he was doing mercy killing. Like some nurses who killed sick patients in some stories, he might have thought this life is not worth living for these innocent babies and he may as well send them to heaven.
ReplyDeleteAm I way off on this one? Do you see any other possible explanations?
I am very disturbed by the whole thing and am trying to understand what this guy was thinking. Had he killed the children first I would have thought he was trying to get back at his mother, but the sequencing of his murders is very confusing to me.
He lived with his mom, dad separated from mom in 2008, and he had no contact with his older brother since 2010. This guy registers as a very high IQ, extremely sensitive, codependent type, momma's boy. Wanted to send momma to heaven along with a whole bunch of innocent babies. Crazy world.
Am I way off on this one?
DeleteWay, way off, Sceli. I don't think there's an ounce of humanity in these mass murderers. Do you often attribute good intentions to monsters?
In my opinion, these shootings are from psych drugs. Even the psych field does not know what these drugs do. When I get really angry( and I do) I thank God I am not on psych drugs. I have such a level of rage that I don't know what I would do if something messed with my defenses.
DeleteSomeone I know was a very respected professional for his whole life. He went crazy and almost killed his wife for a stupid comment she said-- nothing big. This is what I mean. You got to keep all that hatred down, where you can manage it ~
Oh, you are really tough, Monica!!!
DeleteWhat do you mean?
DeleteTEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEE JFFF K INTURNET EJACULATION (aka JEFF K INURNET SCREEMING) TEEHEEEEE
ReplyDeleteTEEHEE
It's kind of hard to scream when you've been shot in the head.
DeleteRich, check this movie out:
ReplyDeleteOslo, August 31
By Mary PolsDec. 14, 20120
On August 31, a young man named Anders (Anders Danielsen Lie) leaves a woman’s bed. He stops by a lake, fills his pockets with rocks, grabs a boulder and, stepping into the water, attempts a Virginia Woolf-like exit from this world. Instead he splutters to the surface and is forced to proceed with the day as planned. It’s revealed that Anders is a drug addict, about to be sprung from rehab after a lengthy stay, and his doctors are preparing him for a new life. They send him to Oslo to interview for an entry-level job at a magazine and Anders spends the day in the city, stopping to visit his best friend, his family home and he hopes, his sister. Wherever he goes he’s greeted with either cautious optimism or doubt. At a party he’s drawn to a young woman and she to him; will she be the silver lining in his playbook? Without passing judgment, the extraordinarily eloquent Oslo enables us to understand the decision Anders faces: to get on with life, or with death. Suspenseful and powerfully illuminating, director Joachim Trier’s film is a quiet marvel.
Read more: http://entertainment.time.com/2012/12/14/10-best-movies-we-missed-this-year/#ixzz2FBVU4EjT
I feel like Rip Van Winkle when he wakes up from his hundred years and attempts to run a marathon. Is this why I went to sleep for most of my life, so I would not have to wake up with a giant "Oh Shit" that rings from my mouth to God's ear.
ReplyDeleteYou are in a room which you entered, not by volition but through escape. You thought it was safe because there was no hurt and no pain. However, when you try to leave, there are no door handles.
DeleteThere is no sound. That is why when you try to scream, no one can hear you. All that is left is to bore a hole in the ground like a prisoner. It can be done with a spoon or butter knife. You don't have anything sharp, anyway. By the time you got there, everything was dull.
Delete