The library is full of stories of supposed triumphs, which makes me very suspicious of it. It's misleading for people to read about great successes, since even for middle-class and upper-class white people, in my experience, failure is the norm.-- Kurt Vonnegut, from Hocus Pocus (1990)
I have one question.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to look at a wall and decide that my penis is on fire, would that say more about me or walls?
peter I was just thinking about you
ReplyDeletefor sociopaths this is always true, which is awesome :)
ReplyDeleteThat failure is the norm? B/c this doesn't make anyone special. Just human.
DeleteI was just thinking of me, too.
ReplyDeleteBut that's really beside the point.
Let's get back to the burning meat of the matter.
I mean generally speaking, my penis isn't on fire. But when I looked at the wall, god dammit I thought my penis was on fire.
So, does that mean that walls are misleading, or am I just a retard?
I don't like where logic is leading me, so, fuck walls.
speak english
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if that's too much for you to comprehend.
ReplyDeleteI'ww make it easy fow you.
If a pewson misintewpwets a situation, beginning to bewieve something compwetewy unsuppowted by weaw-wowld expewience, the situation isn't misweading. He's just a dumbass.
So, the fact that the authow of this quote bewieved wibwawies to be misweading due to the number of success stowies they contain says mowe about his cognition than it does about the wibwawy.
The wibwawy is pwobabwy one of the weast misweading pwaces in the modewn wowld. Main stweet is mowe misweading, with pictuwes of giant, man-sized buwgews, and signs pwomising that you'w somehow doubwe youw sawawy by signing up fow new caw insuwance. At home, on the TV, you'we offewed the knowwedge of how to get wich quick in onwy 20 minutes, fow just $2.99.
Evewything is wewative, and wewativewy speaking, cawwing the wibwawy misweading is just dumb.
The same is true for any other situation where you're essentially staring at a wall, thinking your penis is on fire. You can't blame the wall for your own idiocy.
"You can't blame the wall for your own idiocy."
ReplyDeleteSo can we blame your mom for your idiocy nimrod? The quote was satirical. Jesus H Christ you are slow.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRing ring! Clue calling. Jimmy, are you there? Answer me, Jimmy!
ReplyDeleteFuck. An answering machine.
Hey Jimmy, this is a clue, calling you courtesy of the free clues for the desperately lacking service (FCDLS).
I just called to inform you that Vonnegut was a skeptical, paranoid, satirical writer, and the book in question was a work of fiction. As such, the quote shouldn't be ta... wait, what's that? Hold on a minute, Jimmy.
*muffled speech*
What? Wrong number? Fuck!
Ahem! Jimmy, it seems we've got the wrong guy. If you ever run into a "Peter Pan," please give him my number.
heehee
Deleteyou're just being really pwetentious with an obviously silly quote
ReplyDeletewhere's daft? since he left pan has been running amok. daft, come back and fix this, you left and pan's being talking like a rabbit. this is bullshit!
ReplyDeleteFirst 2013!
ReplyDeleteThat is an amazing quote. So true
ReplyDeleteVegitopath is UKan, I feel quite sure. He can't stand that I ignore him when he starts his stupidities about my mother. I got smart :D
ReplyDeleteI know you meant you got smart as a euphemism for figuring out the situation, but in truth you got dumb. Sounds like you finally scooted your complexes aside and let your animal brain lead, learning from simple trial and error. Not taking every comment to heart and feeling a need to respond to every idiotic statement. Is this progress?
DeleteI doubt Ukan gives a shit.
Delete"RIch, for fuck's sake put your psycho eyes back in their sockets."
ReplyDelete"But MEdusa you just spun pure gold out of your urine!!!!! of course my eyes look like this!!!! How are they supposed to look????
MEdusa rolled her eyes. "RIch stop taking everything people say so goddamn literally. It makes you look dumb. Now pull down your pants."
Rich gulped. "Huh???" Was this her way of saying he was finally going to get lucky with her?
"No, scratch that. I want everything off. Everything. I want everything off, RIch... DROP TROU RICH! NOW!"
Off Rich went, pulling off his black Gap Body Tee. He'd gotten pretty diesel and certainly didn't mind showing off his musculature. He was downright giddy inside whilst watching her examine his superb physique. On he went, slowly unzipping his brand new Calvin Klein slim fit jeans, courtesy of ME. He was just shimmying out of them, when he stopped. His face started turning beet red and he couldn't breath.
Not again. Medusa rolled her eyes. "Err, is there a problem Rich? Because I don't have all day."
Rich decided to keep it real so he could work through his anxiety. "Yes, Medusa!!!! I can't!!!! I'm very embarrassed, Medusa!!!!
MEdusa rolled her eyes, this time catching herself in the mirror. Shit. Fucking eyes again. Dammit. She'd have to press the medical team to step it up. The eyeroll had to go. Everyone knew it. Zoe 's idea was being executed smoothly. By Inhibiting the involuntary control of the inferior oblique extra-ocular muscle, the dreaded eyeroll might be history one day. Medical finally found a way to tap into the brainstem and pons, pinpointing the nerves connected to doing the eyeroll. Or some shit. Anyway, Haven designed the engineering of the medical machinery they'd use to sever the connection, and they'd just secured a retired lobotomist to do the operation. Medusa wanted in.
Meanwhile Rich was whimpering sap. This was not going as planned.
"Rich. What the fuck is your problem?"
With tears rolling down his face, he unveiled the source of his shame, his favorite pair of Superman Flying Image Grey Underoos. Even though his legs were strong and muscular, they were lily white and hairless, and his fine, manly body shook like a scared little boy's.
This time Medusa caught her eyeroll. She'd have to try a different tact altogether, and excused herself, leaving Rich seated on the edge of the bathtub to bawl his eyes out.
20 minutes later Medusa tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up at her with his red, swollen eyes and could not believe what he saw. Medusa was naked from the waist up, and wearing nothing but a tiny pair of Hello Kitty underpants, the Make People Happy Doodles Boy Short Panty size extra small.
LMAO!!!!! Fantastic Fake MEdusa!!!!! Hilarious stuff!!!!! I wish there were more of these!!!!!
DeleteThe next installment sounds like its going to get hot and heavy!
;)
You have a great style of writing and imagination :)
Ditto to Rich
DeleteFake Medusa is like chocolate melting in your mouth :D
Thank you, Rich and Monica. It is nice of you to say that.
Deletegood job FM :)
DeleteThank you, Zoe.
Delete:) Good Morning Sociopathworld!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteKurt's observation is correct but his conclusion is incorrect.The only way to succeed is through failure. No one walks into a gym for the first time and benches 700 lbs.
ReplyDeleteif at first you don't succeed...
Delete"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields
Delete:)
Why don't you ...come and see me some time.
DeleteYou have to take your own death sentence and throw it out the window. Why were you, really, killing yourself, again? You better go back to that place where you had some sense. It is under that huge pile of leaves, way at the bottom. Have you ever raked a pile of leaves? At the very bottom, the leaves are wet and limp. Sink to the bottom and get the funkiest ones. All leaves matter, even the squished ones which have become akin to mush. Even a bruised leaf is a leaf. It's story may be the one the world needs to hear, or one person, at the very least.
ReplyDeleteThen keep telling the story, Sofa. :)
DeleteThank you, Anon <3
DeleteEvery leaf becomes a bruised, mushy leaf eventually... And then soil, and trees, and mushy leafs again. ;)
DeleteMy hardest battle is in wanting to take myself out, for some heinous crime( of which I am not aware) I will fight you, to the death, to prove my worth, but kill myself, on the way home. Sometimes the fact that my head makes no fucking sense makes me want to do a running dive off a pier, like the cartoon characters who run too far and too fast, and stay suspended in air, feet scrambling.
ReplyDeleteI know I matter, but my face, when no one is around, mocks it all. It tells me to do it, already. I try to kill him, but can't without collateral damage, which just happens to be me.
Kurt's popular today - he's featured on Brain Pickings, too. But I must say, I like his advice on writing short stories most of all:
ReplyDelete"6. Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of."
Way to call it, Mr. Vonnegut and thank you for the endorsement! Now I can rest easy, lol.
Theme Song
ReplyDeleteTheme for Teo
Deletethat's funny^
DeleteHi, Zoe.
ReplyDeleteTo say that 'for now I am here' and still be here three years later unlike the other regulars of 2010 (Peter Pan, Birdick) is beyond funny, it's hilarious.
I still hope that one day when your opinions have changed compared to what you said in 2010 you will share with us.
funny and hilarious are adjectives without any negative connotation. don't translate as pathetic or this or that.
Deletei really miss peter pan's lovely wit. birdick's too
Deletenegative is okay, sceli. i can be stupid offline and laugh about it with others. why not online?
i can understand why you ask, but why must my opinions change? why not evolve? my opinions haven't changed much because they came from logic not from mood or feeling. i was much more careful in the early days what i posted, and thought it all through. i was posing a bit too, not wanting to look stupid in a forum of sociopaths.
it was all crafted, designed to discourage criticism. or rather attacks. which always make me feel that i have to respond. and i hate the feeling of having to do stuff. i just don't care much any more, so it's more fun to post. i like the feeling. it's all about fun, isn't? and if it isn't, shouldn't it be?
by the way i like you sceli. you remind me of me in a way
Deletethe other day when i trolled the troll and an anon made the comment that i liked to belittle, it got me thinking about rich's post about being poker faced (i think it was his).
Deleteyou can tell me what is wrong with the way i think, and i will shrug or laugh. but don't tell me what i feel, or that i'm not feeling what i'm feeling, or that it's wrong. only a total dirt bag does that.
that's when i go poker faced. it's like being caught with your underwear showing.
don't tell me who i am
DeleteHi, Haven. Thank you for your January 18 note answering my question on how to deal with a BPD and if there is hope. Sometimes I just wish I could direct her to your site for her to start understanding herself. Had she had any cuts I would be more comfortable for doing so. Hers is scratch the skin on the head and the fingers type, and nicely concealed, of course.
ReplyDeleteI'll try to apply what you said if and when I have no way of avoiding her presence. It is very risky for me to seek her presence.
Direct her to me anyways. Not all Borderlines cut. Not all cutters are Borderline. We all deal as we will. Despite having overlying common symptoms, we're all still individuals with distinct and separate stuff.
DeleteDo what keeps your well being safe as well.
Monica. or anyone else ever having dealt with this "dissolve" "amorphous self", alongside fear of abandonment, PLUS wondering when one can get the fuck out of the company of someone they really LIKE, please describe. I also feel it has to do with enjoying pleasure.
ReplyDelete^It is hurting me. I start to feel I do not have or desire for a connection to a person, like if they went away, i should not really have to miss them because they are only temporary company, not even real (This I know is avoiding pain of fear abandonment.) But I will put a veil over them and make them not there, which will make me not there.
Then I feel alone and like my life is wasting away.
Why do I feel like my life is wasting away if I am with a decent person, who wants to be with me? I am losing self identity? I want it to go away because it is against my goal for intimacy. bUT REALLY, I AM AFRAID THAT INTIMACY WILL COME TO BITE ME.
Then after I feel like this, I will panic, go write it all out, then come back to the person with a fresh head and be so different in my head. I will feel so happy to be WITH the other. Until the other stuff happens again.
Intimacy anonJanuary 20, 2013 at 4:17 PM
DeleteMonica. or anyone else ever having dealt with this "dissolve" "amorphous self", alongside fear of abandonment, PLUS wondering when one can get the fuck out of the company of someone they really LIKE, please describe. I also feel it has to do with enjoying pleasure.
Were you sexually abused, Intimacy Anon?I have to explore my own feelings and thoughts because I don't trust them to a shrink. Shrinks, always, got me more into my head. I don't need to be more into my head. I am way too much into my head. I need to be more into my body i.e. I need to reside in my body/feelings, not my head.
I say that to say that the fear of pleasure sounds like sexual abuse because I realize I have it. It can be any simple pleasure like watching a sunrise. It doe snot have to be sexual pleasure. It is just pleasure, in general.
The amorphous self is a fragmented self. It is from abuse imho. I do not subscribe to the genetic causes for PDs. I think it happens, once in a while, but most of the time it is trauma. Trauma makes you go numb and fragment. I think this is what you are talking about.
Describing it is the easy part. Dealing with it is the killer part. My answer has been to find God. I was driven to Him by the kind of pain you are describing.
As far as your current situation, I don't think there is a quick fix, or we all would have taken it. I think you CAN get help by talking and sharing, as you are.
Did you ever have anyone who loved you, unconditionally, like a relative? Or did everyone in your life use you?
I do not believe I was sexually molested.
DeleteNo, I don't know unconditional love.
SHrink got me more in my head and always encouraged me to do my activities to feel my self esteem. He thought that was the key, and he was right, but
the fact I have to do talents and work hard at outside things for temporary esteem is not loving self unconditionally.
I think they all used me for their self esteem. One was extremely critical if her values were not in me, the others liked me for looks talents and charm.
Father figure was the most likely to give unconditional love, but also I was a favorite for looks, talent and charm. He saw something special in me also for the way I treated him in suicide attempt. I was very young. All 3 are narcissists, and perfectionists.
Yes, "doing" and achieving will not really get you to self esteem. I wanted to come back and tell you something. This may sound stupid, but I have found the way to break down the dissociation. This is the issue, in a nutshell. We cannot feel. Hence, we cannot learn about ourselves, which includes proper self esteem. Once the numb goes, we will be "normal" Normal is someone who can feel out situations and can feel out his own feelings. That goal is my goal. That is what I term normal or healthy.
DeleteThis one book is key "Cure By Crying" by Thomas Stone. Crying will break down the defenses. When this happens, the dissociation goes, but it is slow as heck.
Thank you.
DeleteI have been crying everyday since 2007. I will still look for the book.
I am coming out of something, that is for sure. I can snap out of it to do life, but this preoccupation, although obviously somewhat healing, has kind of sort of made me little too introspective, yet again.
I think Sceli and Medusa are correct in that I need to DO more, not so much feel more. I am feeling too much.
This makes me think my striving for intimacy is obsessive. I need to put aside or alongside my goals.
I use my obsessions to not do my goals. I do not want to talk about crying anymore.
Ok :)
DeleteI really appreciate your opinions and the wisdom you have to offer, Monica. You have mentioned this book a few times and it is out of print and impossible to find though. So it's a bit cruel that you say it is the answer and you don't share the information from it that would help. If you have the book maybe you could scan and PDF it? Then you could share it so we all can be helped by it and discuss it too?
DeleteI am not trying to be cruel, obviously.
DeleteThat book has been one of the single most helpful tools I have found but you can heal without it. It is a simplified version of Right Brain Trauma Theory.God made healing simple-- both body and mind. You don't need to spend thousands on a shrink and take drugs made in a lab. You can find answers, with simplicity. ( I am NOT dissing anyone who does it a different way. This is the way that makes sense to me)
So, to continue. Crying is what Right Brain Trauma theory says will heal the right brain i.e. empty it of trauma. Then, you will un-freeze and be able to feel out life. The "not being able to feel out life" is really the problem. You don't have to use big words and concepts to figure out problems.
There are current books on the market which deal with this. Primal Therapy by Janov is one. If you can't find "Cure By Crying", Google Right Brain Trauma Theory.Thomas Stone just makes it simple with his little book. However, you don't need it.
I hear you, Sweetie. I have to get off the computer and I want to think about what you said, too, before I reply, so I don't give a fast answer or a platitude to a serious question. You are not alone, Sweetheart. You are very brave to share it <3
ReplyDeleteI will be back, tomorrow, to talk about your post, Intimacy Anon. xox
ReplyDeleteOk, thank you. There is no rush. I do not feel brave at all, btw. I feel like I need to stop it and do things to move and give me confidence.
ReplyDeleteI ask Why cant i do that AND have a relationship at the same time? I am so engrossed in keeping them, that is why. I am totally focused on this mission like it is the most important thing. I resent that.
I am on my way to bed but I see you posted. The amorphous self is a bummer of the highest degree. I think of famous people who "had it all" but ha dan inadequate sense of self, and nothing else seemed to matter. They screwed up their lives, royally. That sense of self is so key, and so elusive. I wish I had words to help, but the climb up to even a small sense of self is so cumbersome and so slow. I wish I could go back to the time when I trusted myself. That was heaven on earth. I am in a no man's land, where I exist in a vacumn from hell, where I am amorphous, too. I hate it and would scream until I never could stop, if I didn't have God.He is any grounding I have. I wish I had positive words, but I hate cliches with a passion. I will be back, tomorrow and we can talk more <3
ReplyDeleteok <3. thank you. if Ii do not have time for a conversation i will get back asap. You did not have to post again just now. That was very nice of you. thank you <3 sleep well.
DeleteFailure may be the norm, but that doesn't mean people don't achieve it. Most people are lazy and unmotivated so they set themselves up for failure. To achieve success you have to be willing to be better than the norm. That majority.
ReplyDeleteAlso hi there SW. I'm drunk. Talk to me. I need stimulation.
ReplyDeleteI so miss the way this place used to be. Things were so much better here before Erin/Monica came and fucked it up for the rest of us with her selfishness. In seeking whatever the fuck it is she thinks she needs, she took away from everyone else what it was that we needed from this place. Or maybe it's just me. I miss this place for what it used to be. It's been such shit for so long now.
Delete^^^^
DeleteWhy do Zoe and Ellict back Monica?
Deleteidk... i tend to ignore most of anything revolving around her. I haven't followed those story lines.
DeleteI'm done, too.
Deletebecause it feels right
DeleteI so miss the way this place used to be
Deletehaven, so many regulars have made comments like this after being here for a while! when i first came here there were people writing that it wasn't like the way it used to be.. the comments section that is.
maybe it's not Monica,but you changed? maybe you got what you needed out of it and now it's time to reassess and move on, if only mentally. you don't seem like the kind of person who would want to spend forever doing exactly the same thing in the same way, travelling up and down the same paths, like a mouse safe in its tunnels.
what should change? how does Monica get in the way of that?
Now, I see why zoe supports monica - there are so many commonalities between the two that even her sweetness can not cover up the obvious.
Deletewhat is the obvious?
Delete@anon from up above
Deleteif some of us back monica, why do you care? would it make life better everyone shunned her? would she deserve that?
Haven, do you want more visitors to your blog?
DeleteHaven, enjoy:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LgmV_IPcdI
::smiles:: I miss dancing so much. So freeing =)
DeleteFOr Haven.
Deletehttp://www.biography.com/people/martha-graham-9317723
I have heard this story about a parent bringing child in to a doctor saying there is something wrong with her. The doctor said the "problem" is your daughter is a dancer.
DeleteIs that the Graham story? Or was that Graham's father who told another parent??
You ride it like a horse.It cantors. Bump. You raise your hips. On and on. It wants you to gallop. It wants you to let it take the reins. You resist and keep up the cantor.
ReplyDeleteIt is so dark, the fog. It is like a fog where you can, barely, see 12 inches, in front of you. Cars pile up on the road. It is a marshmallow fog. Marshmallows are good when they melt on s'mores, but marshmallow fogs are terrible. They tell you that you do not belong ANYWHERE. The chocolate and marshmallows melt, such that they cover your mouth. You can't scream because they will choke you with their goodness. You thought they were good. Didn't someone tell you that? You can't recall because it is all a miasma on your face and you are smothering ..