Dearest Mama,
I must tell you what my opinion of my own mind and powers is exactly—the result of a most accurate study of myself with a view to my future plans during many months. I believe myself to possess a most singular combination of qualities exactly fitted to make me preeminently a discoverer of the hidden realities of nature.
***
Firstly: owing to some peculiarity in my nervous system, I have perceptions of some things, which no one else has—or at least very few, if any. This faculty may be designated in me as a singular tact, or some might say an intuitive perception of hidden things—that is of things hidden from eyes, ears, and the ordinary senses…This alone would advantage me little, in the discovery line, but there is, secondly, my immense reasoning faculties. Thirdly: my concentrative faculty, by which I mean the power not only of throwing my whole energy and existence into whatever I choose, but also bringing to bear on any one subject or idea a vast apparatus from all sorts of apparently irrelevant and extraneous sources. I can throw rays from every quarter of the universe into one vast focus.
Now these three powers (I cannot resist the wickedness of calling them my discovering or scientific trinity) are a vast apparatus put into my power by Providence; and it rests with me by a proper course during the next twenty years to make the engine what I please. But haste, or a restless ambition, would quite ruin the whole.
I also find myself not able to resist wickedness sometimes. And they do say that sociopathy is genetic.
In all seriousness, I am often told that one of my most prominent sociopathic traits is megalomania. But I can't help the feeling that at least some of it is actually justified...
i love when ME posts about strong willed women. Badass ladies .
ReplyDeleteDo it like a dude, BItches !
We'll march to our own beat !
DeleteDo you think that Picasso, the best novelists, Mozart were all socios? Being born a genius doens't have to be equal to being born a socio, though I see why you might think it is correlated: because of the unusual broadness and clarity of the socio mind. However in my opinion it is more complicated than that.
ReplyDeleteOh I can completely identify with the megalomania part; there's always some part of you that wants to become a god (or at least be seen as a god-like figure by society). I never understood why is this seen as 'bad'. All great men and women believed themselves to be great before anyone else did; why not become a self fulfilling prophecy?
ReplyDeletesome children have that. It is fine with them, so why can't it be fine when you grow up?
DeleteYou do need to have a friggin healthy narcissism or you are road kill
ReplyDeleteHi Monica. How are you?
DeleteI was trying to understand my narcissism because it confuses me.
I remember coming across "counterdependency" and then i see that Haven mentions she is that way as opposed to codependent. This kind of fits me too.
I am at the point in seeing how maybe i threw myself into reverse regarding confidence. I gave up and went the other way to throw away regular desires and goals. I got the reverse thing going on now and have wrong belief i don't have desiresi am capable of fulfilling. I think when i was younger i had it. Is it unimportant to find the exact moment i cut off ? I want to brush off my brain now and start over .
?Why do defenses get so set? can a person get rid of them, or is it just about seeing them and striving mot to do them is the preoccupation trying to get rid of them making me feel more damaged ? Because i think it can.
How do you see self worth again like before self worth was cut?
when others see the side of me that puts foot down they see i am strong even though i am struggling inside .. they can't see i struggle inside. I don't ;like trhem to know because it is too strange. If I try to explain they want to say life is for living and fun and then my perspective changes, but i can get lost in depression because i don't know how to do it without feeling there is looming
How long will it take to feel like i am not climbing up a ladder that will not feel like it doesn't end ?? You know that ladder feeling?
WHen will i feel free and like a person not made to feel prisoner of defenses?
I try to have relationship vand feel worthy of love and respect and give and take, and it is ok, but i still look at things as an outsider looking in. I do want to livre without seeing what i am doing, how others do their life around me, reading them and responding only after i try to figure out how i feel about things..
I don't want my brain inside me, Monica.
can you explain what good it is to introspect to death ? because it seems tio be causing me to NOT live feely. This is opposite my goals.
Aww Anon 5:52
DeleteI want to meditate on what you said. There is no easy answer but I want to share from my heart and will need some time to get my thoughts together. Thanks for sharing. That takes a lot!!
ok Monica. I appreciate that.
DeleteI am going to name myself Gloom today so any reader who cannot stomach my negativity and absorption in gloom can skip my comments.
Gloria
DeleteI am really hurting today, badly. I don't want to come and say some platitudes because I hate that. I am torn up on the inside about cutting off all contact with my parents.
Ha just read narcissism is being stuck in the past. I dont get it . if i want to move forward forEVER then i am stuck in the past and did not know it bec i had been chasing a need for long lost desires???
DeleteI understand . I am trying to get past the past too much? I am yoo hard on myself not changing fast enough, i guess.
How do you change it?
too* hard..
Deletei am going to put myself in a dbt group and stop doing this here.
DeleteI am so sorry too. this is very inappropriate, especially here. I am not going to comment for a long time like this. Is a promise to myself. If I love myself i will try to keep atleast one promise. I willl start now.
who is Gloria? If you are talking to Gloom, i am Gloom, not Gloria. I would rather be Gloria thouh.
DeleteMonica it is ok to feel like something has ripped in you. When I gave up fantasies of good parents and hoping they'd change i had to mourn. It hurts they weren't there, right??
they should have died in a car crash while you were being born in the back seat and someone else should have raised you but that did not happen. It is over a long time ago. It is in the past but you are here and all you have is yourself . You have to love yourself even though they did not.
Delete"You have to love yourself, blah blah blah..."
Delete^Is that a platitude, Monica?
Thanks Gloom. No, that is not a platitude at all because it comes from your heart. I am sorry if I mixed up people. Don't leave. We need people who will speak from their heart. I do, anyway.
DeleteI am developing something I used to have and it scares me. It is a hardness but it feels good.
are you stopping being too nice ?
DeleteWell, I am trying to construct my own moral code/value system. I never bully. I don't aggress against people. BUT, if people eff with me, that is when I am going to be hard but then there are the ones who do it covertly like the Narcs. That category is hard as they play games but they go crazy if you point the games out. Before, I just shut down and blamed myself because they blamed me. Now, I am not sure what to do. With some narc who have power over you or you need something pivotal from them, I guess you have to play the game.
DeleteBUT, if people eff with me, that is when I am going to be hard but then there are the ones who do it covertly like the Narcs. That category is hard as they play games but they go crazy if you point the games out.
DeleteVery funny, Monica. Thank you for this hahaha
@anon 10:18 I wasn't trying to be funny. maybe that is when things are the funniest~
DeleteBack to Gloom
Please don't go away. If you go to a shrink, you can never trust their motives. Here, most people are out to get you but there a a few gems. Which choice makes more sense?
Anyone who fails at therapy are people unwilling to change. A therapist can only guide you while the rest of the work depends on your own willingness to make it happen.
DeleteAnon 11:51
DeleteFinally, someone an intelligent mind
*with
Delete@Anon 11:51
DeleteDo you know how many personally whacked therapists there are? How can a whacked person really help another person? In my opinion, there may be a lot of intellectual fluff going on but no real true help. You find the janitor of the building who has common sense and wisdom and you will get the help you need.
Therapy is WAY overrated, in my humble opinion.
That's because you project your own failure with therapy onto every therapist out there. It's got nothing to do with a therapist's ability to help. You are against therapy only because they couldn't help you.
DeleteI know a ton of them outside the office. Can we say W-H-A-C-K -E D? Anyone can look good behind a solid oak desk with diplomas over his head.
DeleteA solid oak desk with diplomas, really? I know a therapist with the highest credentials that has very cheap furnishings while treating poor students and criminals not to mention professionals such as policemen, teachers, and college professors.
Delete*Not paid for treating the poor and abused children.
Monica, your theatrics are so telling.
Ok You win, Anon. Some are good *rolls eyes*
DeleteThank God we don't have to see the shut in, hag with her eyes rolling in her head.
Deleteeh !
Nasty, nasty, nasty ~
DeleteJust mirroring ~ :D
DeleteMonicais so right. Holy shit have i seen some weird ass therapists AND pdocs.
Delete(Sorry good therapists)
By the end of my time with the old onne, he was asking ME ...ME if the other guy in group was correct that he was being blah bah blah to him. I gave my therapist assurance?? wtf
There was one pdoc who asked me out...
one "specialist " pdoc too green to know when panic does NOT mean manic..
I have a goood pdoc now. SHe has worked in the prison system. IDK why i find that telling, i just do, in that i am here amongst some people who claim they are criminals. SHe is not an alarmist.
THe therapists are not all bad, i agree.
SOme will see you and not tell you they know you aren't getting better with them. And they are simply unqualified to help. Finally one asked me if i wanted to see someone else. I mean how long do you think they sat on that?? Shouldn't a therapist know better than the client and refer them out when they know shit is over their head?
You say megalomania, I say an honest assessment of one's own abilities.
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that she addressed her mother as "dearest mama," instead of dearest mother.
ReplyDeleteA profound sense of endearment? Or a classic example of her unconscious ignorant self.
Mommie Dearest would have been more appropos ~
DeleteMommie should only be used in private. Not on paper or in a public setting. For a grown woman that is.
Deletethe fact that you can never know someone entirely is what keeps a relationship alive
ReplyDeleteis that why sociopaths get bored with relationships they do know?
shut up you fucking wanker
Deletemake me
Deleteis that you famous sociopath charm
ReplyDeleteRight away I am going away to do my breakfast, once having my breakfast coming over again to read more news.
ReplyDeletemy page - nicotine juice
Why look at Ada when her father was such a classic example? In fact, everything I've read about psychopaths on this site and elsewhere seems to point to his case as textbook?
ReplyDelete