"I am troubled by a sense of being several people (nobody you know). There is an ever more acute difference — and an intolerableness — between my inner self which I know is the real me, and various faces of the outside world."
I have been struggling with just this kind of thing, lately. My father has been in a depression most of his life and it is getting worse. This makes me feel powerless because I wanted him to be there for me and I was angry. I see he could not be there for himself, but the larger issue is the quote and what it means.
I think that a person must learn to be authentic, if he is to have a happy life, to the best degree that that is possible. However, the problem with being authentic is that you first have to know yourself and this is a real problem for those of us with PDs. Secondly, you have to know what NOT to share and what TO share. The BPDs share too much and that is really not authentic, per se. It is dumping. I am going through this dilemma now and hope I can come out the other side with something of value.
I was with someone and i was telling why i panic and i was trying to explain my thought process so I WOULDN'T freak them out, and then they kind of were checking out/feaking out, but not verbally.
I was trying to explain push and pull and fear, and i was trying to cover my ass in case I might act out or act fearful a little here and there and make them feel like leaving me, but i really was going in circles. -I was using my hands to describe push pull, and then i said to them "i don't know what this is. What are we doing?" And they said "We are having a relationship" And I just shut up because that did not dawn on me. So then I said that they were not allowed to think that I was crazy because of what goes on in my head, and do you know what they said? "Yes I am" And I said "no you can't think that.. because if I know that I am crazy then i am not crazy" And he thought about it and he said i had a point.
Then I apologized and asked if it bothered him, what just happened..
And he said "as long as it doesn't define the relationship" He meant that as long as i don't need to do these panic talks so much or get so depressed sometimes i will not want to see him. And I was thinking about that a long time.
I was not happy because what goes on in my head is exactly what defines my relationships, and i felt like he was giving me an ultimatum of some kind. Then I thought i would try because Zoe said that it is frequency and intensity of interactions which make things hard to bear.
I need to hide what is going on i my head 90 % of the time because people do not want to be hearing swirling nonsense of my brain bouncing around making no sense. So now i shut up and put the thoughts on the table and only listen to them or share them with others.. I compartmentalize the person a little. They do not get to see this side of me anymore.
Awww That is so poignant. I think you are doing the right thing by coming here and letting everything out. You need a place to do it and shrinks, in my opinion, are there until the money runs out. You need a place to go where you can come every day or whenever you need to talk.
I am having a hard time following the whole interchange. I am on my way out, so will look when I get back but I have been making really good progress in loving myself.
I think that I need to talk to people who have good self esteem. I have been trying to watch them and to discern how they think about themselves. The only difference between them and me is their thoughts. This is super easy to say, but I did have a revelation on it, while talking to my friend, yesterday. She loves herself. She accepts herself.Am I am worse person that she is? No, she just did not have the emotional challenges that I did to make me hate myself.
Anyway, please keep writing and I will study your previous post when I get home <3
I did feel i did very well, and much better than i used to. Thank you very much.. I am pretty shaky if I tell of fears. I think that when a person is fearful around another, they should say so without fear. You know when dogs smell fear, they get scared. It's the same thing. The other person should feel safe.
You know how sociopaths do when they say "I'm kind of shy" and the other person feels they are so brave to share a fear, and they hook a person? It works for real, too.
This is my experience.
I come from the kind of neglect a parent might get in trouble for with cps these days. Their abuse was mental.
Yes, the other parent abandoned big time. -It was all about them.
I was lucky to have gotten proper affection from an outsider (also a highly narcissistic person who was pretty critical, but there was love and affection shown)
I was also lucky that i got sick with depression and had therapy from 12 years old. I had someone on my side to explain i was not crazy for having problems, including tons of anger.
It is nothing compared to the things i have heard here. I mean it was bad, but I am no more abused or fucked up than anyone else here. I know i am very lucky to be who i am.
Some look at self esteem as a potentially harmful concept, dependent as it may be on things outside of ourselves like the praise and disapproval we receive from others. It is dependent on conditions that we may have little control of and which potentially can control us. This view believes more important is self acceptance, where you at a primary level accept, validate and "love" yourself as you are, psychiatric labels and all. You accept the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You may be able to "improve" and better yourself like for example by developing better critical thinking and coping skills as they may apply, and by becoming more honest with yourself and others and working your way to a more realistic and rational outlook. Accepting yourself also means accepting the way others are too. Doesn't mean you have to like people or things of course.
Get used to it and stop whinging. Does a wolf complain about why he has to dress like a sheep? No! Thats why we are wolves in sheeps clothing. Inner self is different to outer self. Its a mask. Accept it, work with it ... keep calm and carry on.
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im just a little baby...
ReplyDeleteits better than being crusty.
DeleteThemes Series
DeleteTheme for Literary Anon
DeleteI have been struggling with just this kind of thing, lately. My father has been in a depression most of his life and it is getting worse. This makes me feel powerless because I wanted him to be there for me and I was angry. I see he could not be there for himself, but the larger issue is the quote and what it means.
ReplyDeleteI think that a person must learn to be authentic, if he is to have a happy life, to the best degree that that is possible. However, the problem with being authentic is that you first have to know yourself and this is a real problem for those of us with PDs. Secondly, you have to know what NOT to share and what TO share. The BPDs share too much and that is really not authentic, per se. It is dumping. I am going through this dilemma now and hope I can come out the other side with something of value.
If the crow has to be shoved down your throat; maybe you should just let it fly. :-)
DeleteHi Monica. How are you? Is this dumping? :
DeleteI was with someone and i was telling why i panic and i was trying to explain my thought process so I WOULDN'T freak them out, and then they kind of were checking out/feaking out, but not verbally.
I was trying to explain push and pull and fear, and i was trying to cover my ass in case I might act out or act fearful a little here and there and make them feel like leaving me, but i really was going in circles. -I was using my hands to describe push pull, and then i said to them "i don't know what this is. What are we doing?" And they said "We are having a relationship" And I just shut up because that did not dawn on me. So then I said that they were not allowed to think that I was crazy because of what goes on in my head, and do you know what they said? "Yes I am" And I said
"no you can't think that.. because if I know that I am crazy then i am not crazy" And he thought about it and he said i had a point.
Then I apologized and asked if it bothered him, what just happened..
And he said "as long as it doesn't define the relationship" He meant that as long as i don't need to do these panic talks so much or get so depressed sometimes i will not want to see him. And I was thinking about that a long time.
I was not happy because what goes on in my head is exactly what defines my relationships, and i felt like he was giving me an ultimatum of some kind. Then I thought i would try because Zoe said that it is frequency and intensity of interactions which make things hard to bear.
I need to hide what is going on i my head 90 % of the time because people do not want to be hearing swirling nonsense of my brain bouncing around making no sense. So now i shut up and put the thoughts on the table and only listen to them or share them with others.. I compartmentalize the person a little. They do not get to see this side of me anymore.
Did I learn not to dump?
You've certainly learned whose room to suck the air out of.
DeleteQM
Awww That is so poignant. I think you are doing the right thing by coming here and letting everything out. You need a place to do it and shrinks, in my opinion, are there until the money runs out. You need a place to go where you can come every day or whenever you need to talk.
DeleteI am having a hard time following the whole interchange. I am on my way out, so will look when I get back but I have been making really good progress in loving myself.
I think that I need to talk to people who have good self esteem. I have been trying to watch them and to discern how they think about themselves. The only difference between them and me is their thoughts. This is super easy to say, but I did have a revelation on it, while talking to my friend, yesterday. She loves herself. She accepts herself.Am I am worse person that she is? No, she just did not have the emotional challenges that I did to make me hate myself.
Anyway, please keep writing and I will study your previous post when I get home <3
I just read it. It is hard because you are so shaky inside. Yes, you did not dump on him. You did great!
DeleteYour inner voice is yours to try to figure out. It is very, very hard. Did you have a childhood with a lot of abuse and abandonment?
I did feel i did very well, and much better than i used to. Thank you very much.. I am pretty shaky if I tell of fears. I think that when a person is fearful around another, they should say so without fear. You know when dogs smell fear, they get scared. It's the same thing. The other person should feel safe.
DeleteYou know how sociopaths do when they say "I'm kind of shy" and the other person feels they are so brave to share a fear, and they hook a person? It works for real, too.
This is my experience.
I come from the kind of neglect a parent might get in trouble for with cps these days. Their abuse was mental.
Yes, the other parent abandoned big time. -It was all about them.
I was lucky to have gotten proper affection from an outsider (also a highly narcissistic person who was pretty critical, but there was love and affection shown)
I was also lucky that i got sick with depression and had therapy from 12 years old. I had someone on my side to explain i was not crazy for having problems, including tons of anger.
*AND they abused but it was mental.
DeleteI am not here to whine about my upbringing.
It is nothing compared to the things i have heard here. I mean it was bad, but I am no more abused or fucked up than anyone else here. I know i am very lucky to be who i am.
Some look at self esteem as a potentially harmful concept, dependent as it may be on things outside of ourselves like the praise and disapproval we receive from others. It is dependent on conditions that we may have little control of and which potentially can control us. This view believes more important is self acceptance, where you at a primary level accept, validate and "love" yourself as you are, psychiatric labels and all. You accept the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You may be able to "improve" and better yourself like for example by developing better critical thinking and coping skills as they may apply, and by becoming more honest with yourself and others and working your way to a more realistic and rational outlook. Accepting yourself also means accepting the way others are too. Doesn't mean you have to like people or things of course.
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteGet used to it and stop whinging. Does a wolf complain about why he has to dress like a sheep? No! Thats why we are wolves in sheeps clothing. Inner self is different to outer self. Its a mask. Accept it, work with it ... keep calm and carry on.
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fuck all that
ReplyDeleteRegarding the quote, I get the feeling she likes it right fine as she pastes it all about for those to read and ponder.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what this has to do with sociopaths though.
From the beginning
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