I have a confession to make. A sociopath was in love with me. It was the highest high I ever experienced. She abandoned all sense of common sense, but not her sociopathy. She still flirted with other men, and still longed to be the center of attention in every situation where more than two people were involved.
What changed?
I found her behavior to be untrustworthy. Her flirtations aside, her need for me and her need to please me at every turn exposed her in-authenticity, making me doubt that this person would be accountable in the context of a long-term relationship. I quietly and secretly began picking up clues and further cues from her behavior. I soon realized that this person could morph herself into anything and anyone at any time. Although fantastic as an actress, or a career as a skilled negotiator, I felt with gut wrenching conviction that this person could sell me out if she fell out of love, just as easily as she could change skins to meet the needs of a conversation.
I decided to try out an experiment to see if this was so.
Words to the unwise:
Be sure you are ready to know the truth of the questions you so passionately seek answered. Sometimes trusting your gut and abandoning the need for experiments is the more sensible choice.
I'll just simply say I was correct in my assumptions - although she didn't sell me out as fast as I thought, once she did, she sold me out for concert tickets (example).
The problem lies in that I am devastated by the loss of that love she gave, and the high I received from it. I tried not to let it grow roots in me, but I was apparently unsuccessful. Her cruelty near the end, and the pain that ensues as a result, shakes the roots and trembles within me, making the absence feel even greater.
What's confusing is that now she contacts me all the time. She wants to get together and know how I'm doing and tells me she still loves me. For the most part I have turned her down each time. A few days ago, I point blank asked her:
What do you HOPE for in your contact with me. Do you want to be FRIENDS? Or are you hoping to rekindle a relationship? There is a large can of worms between us and for us to even have a friendship, that can of worms must be cleaned out and healed. Then I went on to reiterate some of the pain she caused me.
She answered that she felt attacked again. That until she doesn't feel safe, she can only think of a deep and honest friendship. I found that hilarious, since she lies so much about almost everything. Has she truly changed?
Needless to say I remain confused about this situation. She lied, she hurt, she flirted, she emotionally cheated. The problem is that she did all that once I was in love with her. When you love someone, what do you do? You grow into them, understand them and forgive them. I feel I am in a very challenging position. Feeling a bit like your brother Jim who was able to see your needs and allow himself to get beaten up so that you may get what you needed, and he could therefore have a sense of peace.
The things I wonder are:
Does she still love me?
Does she see that the things she did were wrong?
What options does this situation still hold?
If none, how can I walk away with some dignity?
Thank you for listening and for putting yourself out there. Your influence is of Christian proportions!
My response:
She sounds like she is genuinely fond of you if she still stays in contact with you. I don't know if that's what you (or she) means by "love". She probably thinks she did some things wrong, but they probably are not the same things that you think she did wrong. Maybe she wishes that she hadn't done certain things that made her attitude towards you and your relationship so explicit to you, or maybe she wished that she had indulged you more than she had, to keep you happy. Apart from these small things, though, I don't believe she will fundamentally change. Rather I think that she would take your return as evidence that you were ok with who she is and how she approaches relationships. So those are your options -- take things on her terms, or don't. I don't know what more dignity you could want apart from being the one who decides what you want most in your life and acting on that. Everyone trades good things for things they want more.
Psychopath consultation hour.
ReplyDeleteResponding to signals unemphatically:
she didn't sell me out as fast as I thought, once she did, she sold me out for concert tickets (example).
Self-fulfilling prophecy? Besides odd choice. I never ever understood why relationships often seem to result in one side having to give up earlier friends because the partner does not like them, or cannot meet new people. What happens to the interest we don't share, they have to disappear? Why the hell shouldn't she go to a concert with someone else?
I also wonder if this type of troubles are not a huge mirror show. I first have to know that she loves/likes me deeply and me only, to trust her. An illusion. The trick may be to deal with attraction to others more honestly, one's own too. ...
A trust issue? Fear to be hurt?
I quietly and secretly began picking up clues and further cues from her behavior. I soon realized that this person could morph herself into anything and anyone at any time. Although fantastic as an actress, or a career as a skilled negotiator, I felt with gut wrenching conviction that this person could sell me out if she fell out of love, just as easily as she could change skins to meet the needs of a conversation.
Is she an actress? Highly interesting crowd. I learned a lot from them. Or is she a camelion from your perspective? That's how I called my brother. He always needed people to like him, and he was liked a lot.
Absolutely:
She sounds like she is genuinely fond of you if she still stays in contact with you. I don't know if that's what you (or she) means by "love". She probably thinks she did some things wrong, but they probably are not the same things that you think she did wrong.
I once was friends with a very beautiful woman during my studies. I guess you call it natural beauty. She did not need to try to attract attention, it happened spontaneously. She indeed was a center of attention anywhere. The men that choose her did paradoxically seem to enjoy parading her to their respective friends almost like a trophy while being deeply suspicious and mistrusting of her at the same time.
I wonder if the "flirtation" scenario has partly such a basis. How does the writer respond to someone smiling his way? Does he not respond to it in her company?
If mistrust dominates I think all labor is lost. If someone is not willing to look into his own side on the issue, deal fairly with it, or even accept the chance to get hurt and learn, this will only develop into one of the tiresome: You did, no that's not what happened scenario. Exactly the scenario were honesty drops and lies in support of fixed positions enter the stage.
Sorry, long I'll shut up again for a time.
sorry, long, ...
DeleteIn any case, try again dear author. I cannot understand the cry of help. You seem to have already decided, so what exactly was this for? To get confirmation, consolation?
All you caused in my case, was interest in the ladies side.
Please don't ever shut up, LeaNder.
DeleteYou tend to make very interesting, thought provoking points.
I actually really enjoy reading your comments.
Sir, the reason for your pain is because you continue to hold this person
ReplyDeletein your thoughts. If she is no longer present, then her only connection to
you are the thoughts you have of her. You mistake this person for the
thoughts you have about her and believe that she is the only one capable
of filling your needs. You have mistaken wanting with needing. The fact is
there are 1,000s of other people withome you could have healthy and
fulfuling reationships. So it is not this specific individual that you
MUST have, but you're understanding of why you THINK you must have her.
When you learn to differeiante stimulation seeking infatuation from
authentic spirtual love you will no longer fall for people who have nothing genuine to offer you.
ah, but what if she *does* have something specific to offer him, things he needs & wants in his life conveniently contained in a "her-shaped" package? Authentic spiritual love is something given, and in the giving, brings joy. Being capable of giving authentic spiritual love does not eliminate the human tendency to become infatuated & seek affection. Indeed, such initial tendencies can lead to finding an authentic spiritual love that is mutual.
DeleteFear for the heart is a result of experience and the human limitations on perfect love. It is the most damaging fear I know because it cripples relationships.
To the letter writer I offer this perspective, since we have a common struggle (i use present tense for mine out of a sense of hope, btw): all *anyone* gives us is an opportunity to learn and grow. If we are lucky, the growth is fed by care, nurture & love, with pruning of unhealthy habits. If we are unlucky, the growth is structured with wires, neglect and haphazard cutting.
Ask yourself--and be brutally honest in both your questioning & answering--was she healthy for you? If she was, decide how & if that "health benefit" was a one-time thing, or has long-term potential. Then act accordingly.
good luck...
Yes M.E. there was definitely enough information in this loser's ramblings to make assumptions about this girl. Just because some bitch knows how to manipulate and toy with some spineless retard, it does not make her a sociopath. You're a joke. Not only are you so caught up in your own fantasy land you narcissistic bitch, but you're also going along with other's delusions about sociopathy as well. And for what M.E.? To give the wrong impression that sociopaths are nice friendly people actually capable of empathy? Or to save face and not upset these retards that vacate this hellhole. Or if it your precious book sales? You might be a big fish M.E. but you're definitely swimming in a tiny pond.
ReplyDeletedid u see the episode where dr phil interviewed M.E ukanned ?
Deletethe bald headed git was literally stifling a giggle
though she is better looking than i expected but just as bananas as 1 wuld expect
btw what has happened in this place ?
Deleteeven the most pathetic of the old crowd seemed ingenious compared to the retard therapy home it has become
Kuklinski, from my narrow foreign perspective "Dr. Phil" occasionally seems to be hired to promote books. And promote he did, to the extend that in the end he even joined the "empath" friend in feeling sorry for M.E.Thomas or the substitute for her. ...
DeleteMaybe your impression he felt the same you do is that he is much too populist for me taste. See above.
Tommy, you made me go back and check older articles and from an archive.org perspective initially rare comments.
I had the same response, Ukanned. How's the pit bull doing? Have you stomped on her lately?
ReplyDelete@ the letter writer:
ReplyDeleteI really don't see evidence from what you have written that you were dating a sociopath. Her seeking to please you is quite common, especially for women who have been socialized to gain identity through interacting with men.
I think it's possible that your own paranoia/distrust destroyed a relationship with someone who cared for you, very much. Your comments about her "selling you out" were somewhat cryptic. Did she actually cheat on you? Or did she just not do what you told her to?
A healthy relationship is predicated on mutual respect, not control. If she had to prove her loyalty by declining concert tickets, I have to wonder if you were a very controlling partner. Would you appreciate her telling you that your relationship's survival depended on only going to concerts you pre-approved? No man I know would call that anything good.
So- was your girlfriend a sociopath? Or did she simply have a mind of her own? Maybe her hold on you has something to do with the fact you really liked her because she was interesting. Women who don't automatically do everything you say tend to be more interesting than well behaved robots.
That is the most tender truthtelling machempatth.
DeleteI have dated controlling men. It is lovely to please them. When they arent being controlling. They are always so loving when they get something free, ie: they did not have to work (control for) something given. Maybe that is why this guy felt so loved. When you run into people who doht like to give up controll it usually means they are trying hard to love themselves. It must be such a relief for them to find someone whose actions spell love. I can see him getting addicted to this kind of treatment
It's funny you call her a "sociopath", but then accuse her of cheating emotionally. You don't have to be a sociopath to sell someone out as soon as you aren't in love with them. You need more proof that she's a sociopath than just her acting like your typical manipulative, indecisive girl.
ReplyDeleteshe sold me out for concert tickets (example).
ReplyDeletewhat the fuck are u letting ur bitch out on a concert with another guy or by herself ??????
omg ur such a homo if i ever meet u i will punch ur face in