I am 70 years old. I posted to the forum on your website but got a very nasty response from the denizens there. I thought maybe it was because saying I looked forward to finding a community of like minded people was a faux pas. But you say the same thing so I guess it was alright.
I think I'm a sociopath/psychopath but I am different from you in some ways. You describe yourself as a chameleon in who you are around different people. I have been a different person at different times and places in my life but my identity has been driven primarily by fantasy. When I was 13, I identified with Smerdyakov in The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. Since he killed himself at the end of the novel, I decided to kill myself. But I didn't succeed and ended up in a mental hospital instead. While my parents were finding the right place for me and I was getting interviewed, I felt my fantasy shifting from Smerdyakov to just a suicidal mental patient. I saw myself as the director and author of a play in which I was also the star. It seemed everyone acted accorded to the role I assigned him/her. I liked that. I was in the nut house for about two years. At some point, I read about teenaged "thrill killers" and decided I wanted to be one. So I selected a victim who was convenient and tried to kill her. I had nothing against this girl, a childhood friend and neighbor, actually. I hit her over the head with a heavy, blunt object. She got away and, luckily for me, I was already a mental patient so I didn't go to jail. I just went through my adolescence in the hospital and was discharged around the age of 15, finished high school and went through college and managed to have a pretty normal life since then.
I discovered I was a sexual masochist, was adventurist, worked in offices, dropped out to be a hippy, joined a cult (Maharaj Ji), co-founded The Eulenspiegel Society, S/M liberation, etc. At 70, I'm in a stable relationship, 24 years. I'm on Social Security and am pretty mellow and laid-back in my old age. I'm pretty happy about the life I led, I don't feel guilty about much of anything although I realize some of the things I did were pretty shitty. I don't know. Blame it on the old amygdala.
Hilarious, Smerdyakov really? And why is the Brothers Karamazov so popular with sociopaths?
What is wrong with you, ME?
ReplyDeleteMaking fun of this poor sweet woman, who has worked hard to overcome her mental health issues and came to you seeking guidance.
And after all that talk about accepting the mentally ill and neurodiversity.
Hasn't she suffered enough rejection, you bully?
For shame!
Serendipity an advice, read it all again a few times, slowly so you can understand it better.
DeleteWhat poor sweet woman hits a childhood friend over the head with a rock... I don't remember reading that she overcame her illness just that she got old and toned it down. After all can't go bludgeoning people when your old and fraile.
DeleteShe was a very sick prepubescent child when she tried to bludgeon that girl, Katie. She has tried to overcome her affliction with spirituality.
DeleteShe came here seeking acceptance and instead gets relentlessly bullied and now humiliated by the hypocrite ME. This woman needs our understanding and compassion, not to be laughed at because she is mentally ill.
You ought to peactice what you preach, ME.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI'm curious about a couple things. How did you identify the author as a female, and why is it that your identification has been accepted so readily?
DeleteFemale childhood friend. While not an assurity, there is a greater probability for childhood friends to be of the same gender than not.
DeleteAnd the identification with a Smerdyakov is inconsequential?
DeleteSerendipity: It's the situation that is funny. It is not so much at the woman's expense than it is the vicarious experience of what she did. Assuming the reader's self-diagnosis is true, she is not taking advantage of her "sick mental illness", being a sociopath herself. The failed attempt was actually funny.
DeleteShe really should have used a heavier object.
Erik: Gender-wise not necessarily, at least on literature due to the lack of parallel characters. The dynamics of social association are different.
DeleteThen, what of the female friend being the author's neighbor? It is common for children to befriend neighbors of the opposite sex.
DeleteErik the sex has nothing to do with anything. I hate when people used the word hypocrite to describe people because its their POV and to truly understand where the comment came from you need to see it from a different prospective. Different things impact what people say so to know why they see things like they do you need to go through what they have...but you haven't so people who use the word hypocrite are idealistic and have my, personal, hatred
DeleteErik: It is possible, but it is also just as possible if of the same gender in that situation. Outside of neighbors, friends from school or extracurricular activities would have a greater probability of the same gender.
DeleteThe other reason for the usage can stem from the gender of the writer - while traditionally the pronoun "he" is used in place of a definitive gender of the person, modern english usage has either used (as a matter of preference). Which is acceptable for use, so long as it is consistent (ie. choose one, but not both).
Katie: What is Erik being hypocritical about? From what I can see, Erik is asking about the deduction used (ie. "Sherlocking") on how the gender was found. It's fundamentally semantics.
Erik Anderson, I know she is female because she is Free Behind My Mask from the forum.
DeleteBob, how can you say such a thing is funny? A very sick girl nearly murdered another girl. This is funny?
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteQuestion was answered, thanks! If those females who claim to be sociopaths truly are sociopaths, it's interesting that I have trouble identifying their gender. Whether that's intrinsic to sociopathy or my own deficiency, I'm not aware.
DeleteThis woman is very sick. She needs our compassion and understanding. ME has been preaching about neurodiversity and acceptance of the mentally ill. ME has talked about being anti bullying. A woman tells her about her mental illness and how she tried to kill herself and ME blogs about how she is laughing at this poor creature. Offers her up for others to laugh at. This is bullying and it makes her a hypocrite. For shame, ME!
DeleteI am scared this woman might hurt herself after this.
Serendipity,
DeleteWhat kind of response did you expect from a sociopathy blog? Sympathy? Tears? A hug?
MelissaR
I have to quote Bob, since he's spot on here.
Delete"It's the situation that is funny. It is not so much at the woman's expense than it is the vicarious experience of what she did. Assuming the reader's self-diagnosis is true, she is not taking advantage of her "sick mental illness", being a sociopath herself. The failed attempt was actually funny."
Maybe you need a sicker sense of humor, but the matter of fact way she talked about bludgeoning her friend, and nonchalantly mentioning she was already a psych patient so she didn't go to jail, is hilarious. She doesn't need help, she's fine. She's looking for neither compassion nor understanding, just for others to accept her for who she is. The forums are NOT a place for that. And really, neither is the comments section of M.E.'s blog.
MelissaR, I expected those try hards, as the anonymous person called them, to laugh and try to outdo one another about how little they care.
DeleteI expected more from ME. She should not be laughing at and bullying a mentally ill woman who writes to her for help.
Sympathy, tears, or hugs was not what she wanted and would not help her. I think she looks up to ME. ME could have given her advice or ignored her, but she instead kicked her while she was down and invited all the other bullies to humiliate her more.
What's truly funny is that she likely finds your insistence that she needs your pity to be more insulting than anything else written here.
DeleteWhether or not you are aware of it, you're actually being a huge dick :)
How can you say that, Erik Anderson?
DeleteThis woman wrote to ME for acceptance after all she endured on the forum. ME bullied and humiliated her, not me. She has tried to kill herself in the past and I am scared that this rejection and humiliation at the hands of a woman who she looks up to will push her to hurt herself. Would you all find that funny too?
If she is a sociopath, and ME is a sociopath, you need to look at this from a sociopath's point of view. Because they are. This is less about humiliation than it is sociopathic humor. Take a look at her last statements:
Delete"I'm pretty happy about the life I led, I don't feel guilty about much of anything although I realize some of the things I did were pretty shitty. I don't know. Blame it on the old amygdala."
The humor is more dark and self-deprecating, but it is still humor. At 70, she has clearly led an eventful and - in her own words - pretty happy life.
so uh serendipity = ME?
DeleteSerendipity,
DeleteThanks for calling me "sweet" but I don't consider myself "mentally ill." In fact, I consider that term highly questionable. Psychopathy isn't listed as an illness in that DSM thingie. I don't need anyone's pity. I am proud of myself. Like all Sociopaths, I am Narcissistic and grandiose. I have experienced all I wanted to except hopping a freight train and working my way around the world on a ship. I found a life partner in time to avoid a lonely old age. Cheers.
Free-Behind-My-Mask,
DeleteI think I like you.
Alan.
It's too bad that the forum is filled with a bunch of try-hards.
ReplyDeleteDid anyone see the film adaption of "The Brothers Karmazov"
ReplyDeletestarring Richard Basehart, William Shatner and Yul Brenner?
The man that wrote that novel also wrote "The Kingdom Of God Is
Within You." He was an "escoterist," a "new thought thinker."
The Yul Brynner character shames a coward in front of his young
son. The boy is so appaled at his father's cowardice that he loses
the will to live.
Then, Yul Brynner has an epithany. He devotes his life to the
truth, and the dissolution of his ego. He tries to persuade the boy
to forgive his cowardly father-he attempts to bribe him with a toy
cannon-and fails. So Brynner humbles himself and admits he was
afraid of the coward/father and the boy resumes his will to live.
There IS hope for "sociopaths" AND everyone else once they
discover that, "The Kingdom Of God is WITHIN you. That, and an
adequate amount of daily calories.
Have you seen The Purge? Read my thoughs on it down below..
DeleteOld people are boring.
ReplyDeletesome young people too
DeleteGood point!
Deletehhmmm wonder if you will say the same when your SO gets old and starts poisoning people. Is old still boring?
DeleteBoring is relative. When she's old, I'll be old, and then feeding pigeons or whatever will be exciting. I sure as hell hope I haven't retained all my faculties when I'm 80, that would suck.
Deleteyou're so cute
DeleteWhen I'm 80 and lose control of my bowels, I want my first thought to be, "Oopsie poopsie!" not "Dear god, my sphincter muscles are deteriorating more rapidly than I feared!"
DeleteI agree that old people are boring. With some exceptions. I hope you will be such an exception when you grow old.
Deletehttp://www.huna.org/html/esteemmeds.html
ReplyDeleteThe idea of living to be 70 is quite nightmarish...stuck on this prison hell hole of a planet-humanity is a prison sentence, and I do not see anything in these comments to convince me otherwise...
ReplyDeleteSpot on
DeleteCool life even though you seemed to have failed at your two biggest undertakings. If you had it to do over again would you change anything? Being more successful would only have cut your life short or cut down your options severely.
ReplyDeletemy SO feels the same way, specially if he gets physically sick. "Just shoot me in the head if I live that long."
ReplyDeleteAs for me. I enjoy the company of the older generation a lot. Wisdom, and full of inspiring stories. But im partial, worked in a nursing home for a lot of years - saw individuals at their weakest states. And caring for them, revived me inside. And to see a smile, made it all worth while.
But my SO still says "shoot me." No ones wiping my ass. lol
70 is not old to me. 90 + is old.
My SO doesn't want to die when she gets old, but she does plan to murder people. Probably with poison.
DeleteDo I need to guess who is first on that list?
DeleteI expect that once the combined value of my life insurance policies exceeds my usefulness, I'll be gone. That should occur well before she gets old, though.
DeleteThis is what happens when you're not worthless enough.
DeleteSuperchick, I agree. I would rather be around old people than kids.
DeleteErik, how come you think she will use poison?
MelissaR
She told me so. I think she was leaning towards thallium, last time I checked. Of course, we now have a Russian tortoise to look after that could survive until she's 80, so she needs to stay out of prison until then. 80 is when she plans to get started anyways.
DeleteErik,
DeleteI once had a SO who turned out to be an addict. One day he said "I bet you really want to kill me, but you could never shoot anyone". I replied, "what makes you think I would shoot you?". He said, "How would you kill me?". I said, "you're an addict, I'd make it look like an accidental overdose, everyone is waiting for that to happen anyway". After that he wouldn't eat any food I made until he saw me eat it first.
MelissaR
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Fuck I love the way you think, Melissa.
DeleteMy SO is rather deeply paranoid. One night she wanted to go for a walk, and the place where we live has a beautiful arboretum. She has very poor night vision, so I walked her through the woods in what was essentially pitch blackness for her. When we got back to town she told me that she thought I was going to murder her the whole time. She also likes to drive off into the middle of nowhere, but when I find some random place to turn around she thinks I've found a remote area to kill her.
DeleteDespite the paranoia, she's totally fine with me making all her food, even though I have ready and near unlimited access to dozens of compounds that are lethal in small doses. I guess it's just a situational fear for her? I have a near incapacity for harming others, and I think she's aware of that.
That's because she's always thinking about killing people. I have the same issues.
DeleteSounds like an Adams Family type relationship.
DeleteYa the older population is welcoming to be around for sure Melissa.
DeleteLol, Eric yr girlfriend if funny. at least she makes it fun and interesting.
Lol Eric ;)
ReplyDeleteso it's true, many do tone down with age, and sounds like she had parents that got her help. also in a long-term relationship. there is hope! me is pretty inconsistent on here, but she's still young. she has to come across as a badass sometimes or no-one will believe she's a sociopath.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of extremely rude and crude posts on here, so if your not thick skinned you might pass on this site. Be prepared to be treated like shit by some of the denizens here.(but not all. also some nice peeps here, and some socios that have good manners and intelligence.)
ReplyDeleteDo morally insane folks really have good manners?
DeleteAsk Hannibal Lecter
DeleteGood point. Good at manipulating and deceiving, and coming across as clever? Part of the game that ensnares us...until we understand what's going on that is. Then the tables can turn.
Deleteheh so funny because I got treated like shit by some of the denizens today. Was weird. They still haven't explained to me what was offensive.
DeleteThe Movie The Purge, just Another "siege" flick? My impression is that the whole "universe" in this film is meant to be psychopathic, that it shows a nation not in the grip of fascism but where instead the phenomena labeled psychopathy has transformed society and where a "psycho-holiday" free day has been installed because Halloween just did not "cut the mustard" anymore! The "siege"-movie genre perhaps has been reinvented with this (small masterpiece?), just as the original Scream movie dusted off the horror genre? And the "door negotiator"-character in the movie takes the (yes, a stereotype) "tittering, girly evil" acting in hairy movies to new, higher levels..
ReplyDeleteI'm a masochist. And then a sadist.
ReplyDeleteI must be one dark ass mother fucker cuz I thought this shit was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteDark ass motherfucker? Haha! Guess again. It just makes you a wannabe badass. Or one of those outcasts laughing too hard at the other kids' jokes :)
DeleteGod this is the one place I thought I could come to let me dark side out free of judgment, and "bite me" comes along and shits all over it.
Delete'Tis not your darkness being mocked, but rather your unbridled stupidity!
DeleteI see. So from two comments you have concluded that I am "stupid".
DeleteBTW, why does everyone keep saying "my SO" as if they own a sociopath. The shit on this blog fuckin makes me laugh.
DeleteSO means "significant other". Make that three comments that highlight your stupidity.
DeleteMelissaR
Ah I see. Thanks for clarifying that.
DeleteI am curious though, what was so offensive? Was it the cussing? Is this a cussing-free zone?
Deletelol, dont take it personal. we just have different responses to the blog and post threads. Laugh out loud. smile cowboy or cowgirl. tis all good, were all good. people will cuss, curse out, encourage, and enlighten. :)
DeleteThanks superchick. Still curious what the others thought was offensive.
DeleteOh shucks, I'm sorry.
DeleteI had you pegged as one of them darned badasses. They tend to make a bit of a nuisance of themselves.
I was not aware you genuinely wanted to share your dark side with us.
This is indeed the place. We tend to be hard to shock and are rather supportive of those who tell us their darker stories.
I do hope we can leave all this unpleasantness behind us.
Won't you share with us?
haha thanks bite me :) I need an outlet. It's better than actually doing something crazy.
DeleteDon't I know it :)
DeleteYou can call me Green Eyes or Kat if you wish, Bite me is just the name I use on this phone.
Won't you tell me a bit about yourself and what brought you here?
Well I definitely have a dark side, but I also have a side to me that is pretty normal and functional. I have a lot of thoughts of violence and destruction. As long as I have these little outlets....posting things on sites, black humor, etc., I think I'll be ok. I do worry about my impulses sometimes, and I am scared at times that I won't be able to control them. There are certain things I stay away from because they trigger me too much. For example, if I am around aggressive, violent people, I start to lose the feeling of having control over my impulses. The insanity and chaos in my head are too much. How about you?
DeleteYou've definitely come to the right place :)
DeleteThoughts of violence and destruction are extremely common and natural, at least around these parts. But that could mean so many things...
What sort of violence do you crave? Eg beating, burning, rape, torture, disembowling, male/female...the possibilities are endless. It helps to share those so like minded people can share their preferences too.
Does this violence turn you on?
Is there something specific, like an asshole boss, that sets it off?
Being around highly aggressive, violent people is enough to set off the fight/flight response in most and it sounds like it's something you have to deal with. How come?
Also, it really helps to know a little more about you. Nothing revealing. Just things like age, sex, occupation...that sort of thing.
The more you share, the more we can all talk about our mutual desires and needs. The more you open up, the less chance the others will mistake you for a troll and treat you so undeservedly harshly.
bite me, can you give me advise to control ones sexual impulses, lol.
Deletejoke. well maybe not.. advise is nice. :-)
what you wrote was very thoughtful and nice to the anon above.
Hi everyone,
DeleteThanks for all of the questions. It really does help me figure some of this stuff out. My thoughts of violence are pretty common. Any perceived slight, and I want to knife the person. I could definitely go for some torture too :) Anyone who really goes after me, I have to do a 2 hour torture session in my mind with them. Beating, burning, torture, disembowling, …yep could definitely go for all of those, although I don’t know that rape is at the top of my list. I’m a female, and I’m in my 30’s. I don’t want to say what my profession is because I don’t want to freak anyone out. Does the violence turn me on? Not really, but I would enjoy the feeling of power that would go with it. I’ll give an example of when I was being triggered while being around someone who is violent. I was working with someone who was involved in old school mafia from lower eastside manhattan. He would talk about all his stories from his past. It was triggering me so bad. I remember just sitting there shaking thinking I couldn’t control my impulses. I was going to murder. I was really scared to be around him because of the triggers. I think he thought I was scared of him, but it was actually the other way around. I was scared I was going to hurt him.
Thank you for sharing.
DeleteIt seems we have some things in common.
I'm a 32 year old woman.
And I know just what you mean about wanting to cause physical harm. I have...a bit of a temper myself. Me being a paranoid misanthrope does not help matters there, I'm afraid :)
And I must admit, I do get very turned on by some forms of violence.
There was a discussion here a long time ago about "pit bull" vs "cobra" rage. Pit bull rage is where something triggers it, you see red and just explode inside, but it dissipates relatively quickly. Like a hand grenade going off.
Cobra is a much more subtle, cold blooded rage. Rage that makes you concentrate on the best possible way to cause maximum damage to the person, think it through, plan, then execute. All while seeming relatively calm.
It can take serious strength to overcome the pit bull rage. To control those impulses. Indulging in fantasy, even if it is the sort of thing that would not be advisable to share with most people, is perfectly normal and can be a great mechanism for self control.
It is incredibly hard to shock most people here, don't worry.
What is it you do for work? Are you in law enforcement?
I hope you don't mind all the questions, it's just that your story fascinates me, so I would like to understand better why you have that reaction. Especially to the mafia guy. Why exactly did you want to hurt him?
You said before that the chaos in your head becomes too much. What do you actually feel when he starts talking about, let's say, taking a hammer and making a 19 yo athlete choose which knee will be pulverised before sending chunks of this kid's patella flying? ( I used to know some of those mafia type guys. The stories they would tell...)
Is it directed at him, or more of a general craving for extreme violence? So basically, did you want to dispense justice for what he did; did you crave control over a predator who is used to being in control; is it more of a "having someone describe a particularly delicious steak and you start drooling a little" feeling...etc?
You get turned on by some forms of violence? That’s interesting. Today I had an incident where I wanted stab somebody. I’m working with someone occasionally who is in a position of authority over me. It’s a unique position for me because I’m not really used to someone being in a position of authority over me. I have issues with authority. I’m not proud of it, and it’s a little embarrassing to admit being in my 30’s, and being a professional. It’s one aspect of myself I really don’t like because it causes too many problems. He started to admonish me over an incident, and started to treat me like I was five. Like it was his duty to reel me in, and make me behave supposedly in the “correct” manor. I really did want to jab him with a knife. I started thinking about your definition of cobra and pit bull rage. Made me laugh. I would say that incident was probably more pit bull rage, but a lot of my stuff is cobra rage.
DeleteI’ve thought a lot about your question about the mafia guy, and I’m not really sure. Since I do have a lot of violent thoughts, and to have someone sit across from me, and tell me about real violence that he engaged in, it just triggered me, and I wanted to do some violence. Perhaps on some level I perceived him as some kind of threat.
The best portrayal of a psychopath I've seen is in A Fairly Honourable Defeat by Iris Murdoch. The character of Julius King is textbook psycho. What's amazing is that this book was written in the late 60s when much of the literature was only known to specialists. Murdoch likely didn;t know anything but worked off of real life examples.
ReplyDeleteI think I very accurate daily life portrayal (meaning not a famous serial killer) of a psychopath is the mother figure, played by Mo'Nique, in the movie "Precious". I think she had the hardest role and did an outstanding acting job in this film. No that I'm saying people with ASPD are common, because they make up a small percentage of the popular, but this character was a great example of what is more typical.
ReplyDeleteMelissaR
that was a sad movie but a good hardcore reality to watch. And to think there are mothers out there like this. (daughters abused by the hands of their own fathers). sickly fucks. And how mothers ignore the obvious.. and blame their daughters.
Deleteyup that mom was a true sicko. and she played the role good.
Say, how does one get an avatar next to one's comments?
ReplyDeleteI fail to see how this story is funny or why this person deserves pitying. They are weak minded and easily manipulated; so use them as the tool they are just wind it up at point it at your target.
ReplyDeleteJack R.
Mmm... Jack can manipulate sociopaths to take out targets that he wouldn't dirty his hands with.
DeleteHow did you get so big?
How did you get so strong?
How did you get so hard?
How did you get so long?
Bite me, you are such a flirt!
DeleteMelissaR
I can be, but you get something much rarer, my admiration and respect ;)
Delete