My favorite part in the article was Professor Fallon describing his relationship with his close associates, wife and sister:
I started with simple things of how I interact with my wife, my sister, and my mother. Even though they’ve always been close to me, I don't treat them all that well. I treat strangers pretty well—really well, and people tend to like me when they meet me—but I treat my family the same way, like they're just somebody at a bar. I treat them well, but I don't treat them in a special way. That’s the big problem.
I asked them this—it's not something a person will tell you spontaneously—but they said, "I give you everything. I give you all this love and you really don’t give it back." They all said it, and that sure bothered me. So I wanted to see if I could change. I don't believe it, but I'm going to try.
In order to do that, every time I started to do something, I had to think about it, look at it, and go: No. Don’t do the selfish thing or the self-serving thing. Step-by-step, that's what I’ve been doing for about a year and a half and they all like it. Their basic response is: We know you don’t really mean it, but we still like it.
I told them, "You’ve got to be kidding me. You accept this? It’s phony!" And they said, "No, it’s okay. If you treat people better it means you care enough to try." It blew me away then and still blows me away now.
My second favorite part was on the possibility of change:
I think people can change if they devote their whole life to the one thing and stop all the other parts of their life, but that's what people can't do. You can have behavioral plasticity and maybe change behavior with parallel brain circuitry, but the number of times this happens is really rare.
Interestingly, I've felt like with my life being somewhat ruined by publishing the book, I have plenty of time now to do this very thing. I'm curious where it will take me.
Other topics include how sociopaths have a Zen Buddhist perspective, the difference between someone who becomes a violent sociopath and someone who does not, how and why treatment of infants and small children is critical to their development, and why sociopathic traits might not really "mature" until the adult brain has matured.
YES, we think highly about you for the goodwill.
ReplyDeleteAnd for one bad action you need 5 lovely ones for compensation.
Sociopaths are not monsters, but sadly, the damage they can do is like having met monsters. See the victim-homepages.
DeleteVery interesting.
ReplyDelete"Interestingly, I've felt like with my life being somewhat ruined..."
ReplyDeleteI love you.
I feel your relief reading ME's post. I loved this post too. However I am glad to have "no contact".
DeleteIn love affairs the socio offers bread instead of water in a dessert. If you have your own water bottle with you, it may work.
Wishful thinking sometimes appear to have become reality..
ReplyDeleteI think a person would deliberately have to make themselves vulnerable to become capable of experiencing love.
ReplyDeleteTrue
DeleteMR 17 yr old socio
DeleteIt seems almost suicidal to do so as a sociopath, but it is true. We are sociopaths because we've learnt & adapt to be immune to any form of aggression or threat, which is why we recur to knowledge and experience, but at the same time, to really become immune to any kind of attack, we must be vulnerable in presence of it. That's why they call us impulsive, irrational and intrepid. It becomes addictive to the point that you enjoy being weak because you know you'll grow stronger. I think we're the human definition of evolution, freedom and bravery.
hahaha, too radical? ♥
Today is empath's day. Let's party.
ReplyDeleteJames Fallon the cerebral narcissist.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's calling everyone a narcissist on every sociopath-oriented forum. Geeze.....
DeleteFeeling a little upset about being called a narcissist anon?
DeleteHare's response to Fallon.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.psychopathysociety.org/images/hare%20commentary%20on%20ronson%20april%2017%202012.pdf
All he's doing is exercising "self-observation."
ReplyDeleteHe's adopting a "be here now" attitude. This is part and parcel
of a "Buddist/Daoist persepective.
He's NOW examining his life, and finding out that the "unexaimed
life is not worth living."
M.E. your life is far better by publishing the book -- and knocking down the stigma of ASPD. Look at how many hyper-empaths you have managed to help in stabilizing their emotions, and help move forward. You sure have helped equip me with the tools that I needed.
ReplyDeleteThere’s always going to be critics. But for every critic -- there's far more individuals you have managed to help along the way. Far more. Remember that.
It is little comfort to have helped a few people when, by doing so, you ruin yourself.
DeleteThe real question, after the fact, is what you do once ruined. Rebuilding is the obvious answer, though with limited options it becomes a concerted choice as to what to do next. Where to live, what to do - who do you become now. You adapt, by force. And you wait, because in time, people eventually lose interest.
She didn't ruin anything by publicizing her confessions, in fact, she actually made a name for herself.
DeleteThe benefit of her book is it is an accurate portrayal of ASPD or more specifically narcissistic personality traits. It's an excellent clinical example of the thought processes and behaviors of a personality disorder.
DeleteI agree with others who have commented that it's a "hard read". If you find yourself halfway through the book thinking "Omg how much more can this woman repeat how great she thinks she is" then you know EXACTLY how it feels to be in the room with a narcissist.
The benefit is that it brings a fantastic example to a wide audience of readers. Most people don't have the opportunity to meet someone with a personality disorder because the percentage of the population is so low.
MelissaR
You do realize the book is autobiographical in format, right? It was hardly difficult to read in that regard. It sounded a lot like other autobiographies with one exception - it was more open and honest. If you read other autobiographies, you'll find they try to gloss over anything that may sound narcissistic by including false humility to "balance" it out. ME just laid it all on the table, as it is.
DeleteAnd notoriety, while a measure of fame, is not the nice kind to have. Not if you want to keep a job and have a life without harassment.
I could not imagine a narcissist writing any other kind of book.
DeleteMelissaR
Outing can ease connection beetween socio and normo, especially from the normo's point of view. It certainly increases acceptance of socios. I do not like this: socio creeps around normo, normo is cautious, observant, wondering and so forth. Too much work.
Delete&
I just wanted M.E. to know that she does have a target reader audience. And there are many who enjoyed reading the book. She should be proud of her accomplishments -- and for coming forth.
DeleteNo book written out there will appeal to everyone. She knows that. its finding the right target readers. :)
I can not imagine anyone who wants to give a first-hand account of a personal disorder writing any other kind of book.
DeleteAnd outing does not ease the connection between two sides. It very much does not increase acceptance. Constant exposure does, from thousands of people suffering reprisal, over many decades. Unless, of course, you are autistic, because "they are not monsters".
Outing contradicts the basic need of affiliation. On a personal level however it could be helpful to keep a relationship going. A western visitor in an arabian country probably offends a lot (and vice verse). It would be helpful to know about the different "cultural" origins.
DeleteI once found myself in a group of nice people and one of them reported some unfairness at work. We sympethiezed a bit, even knowing, that power and connections counts more than efficiency at work. Our socio friend got a little mad about our statements of sympathy and started to protest. I do not remember the arguments, I just remember that I interpreted the gesture as enviousness or as a sign, that the socio doesn't like his friend too much (at this time I didn't know yet he is a socio).
&
Very very true Bob.
DeleteOn the other hand, the more socios are refined, the greater the risk for normos to walk into a trap and get hurt. A circle.
Delete&
"I treat strangers pretty well—really well, and people tend to like me when they meet me—but I treat my family the same way, like they're just somebody at a bar. I treat them well, but I don't treat them in a special way. That’s the big problem."
ReplyDeleteNo, the big problem is that Fallon treats HIMSELF in a special way. It's not that he treats strangers and closet family the same, it's that he treats HIMSELF apart from everyone else (better, above, superior, more important, etc.). In his effort to treat his family better he's starting to INCLUDE them in the way he treats himself.
MelissaR
I think Fallons' starting point is the lack of sympathy. The lack of sympathy leaves him alone with himself, so to say automatically or passivly. It is a good idea to continuously try to give more weight to the needs of his friends-family. It eases adaption (besides impulse control).
Delete&
As I was listening to Judas Priest, I was leafing through some notebooks and found a little note my friend wrote while we were probably high on meth. It reads like this: "2 kill 4 free is charity," "412 die is to simplify."
ReplyDeleteThe man I know who is a sociopath (IMHO) treats everyone the same. I dated him and I could be a checker at the grocery store for how "special" he treated me.. I got tired of giving and never receiving. He had a lot of other really "delightful" traits as well.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, because this is exactly what I learned to do. I have a functional family of my own. I had been with my wife since highschool and she is an empath to the fullest extent while I am quite a sociopath.
ReplyDeleteThrough the years of social awkwardness, I have learned that all one has to do is try giving your family one minute of your life everyday. With technology, it is almost a no brainer. Text your family once a day, and they suddenly think you've "matured." Text a friend once a month, and they think you suddenly developed a soul. Hug your wife twice day, and suddenly you love her more. The list goes on!!
It really is that easy.
Social media and text messaging makes maintaining relationships a piece of cake.
DeleteI guess I must have missed any previous commentary about how publishing the book ruined ME's life, but I've only been actively reading and participating in the blog for a few weeks. If anything, it would seem like the Dr. Phil appearance was a bad idea.
ReplyDeleteThe Zen Buddhist thing really hits home with me. The notion of detaching ones self from expectations, and thus disappointment, has always seemed like an ideal way to function. I have no interest in any of the rituals, though.
Taking some extra effort to be nice to people also seems like a pretty obvious trick. I may not give two shits about small-talk, but if it puts other people at ease or makes them more amenable to me, that I've accomplished by it. Likewise with family; I know them well enough to know what their expectations are, so I just put the square peg in the square hole. It reduces social friction, and doesn't take much effort on my part. Of course, there are some times when I drastically misread a situation, but the benefit of putting in the extra effort is that when I really piss someone off or am blindsided by something, it's easy enough to just be the asshole for a day.
I don't understand, why would I want to change what I am to please someone else? isn't that the antithesis of sociopathy? I understand I can be different for a period of time in order to acomplish something.. And not even that is motivating enough for me..
ReplyDeleteBecause the ascended sociopaths know that it can be gratifying. Yet another way to be idolized. If nothing else, we think of it as a favor we can redeem at a future date. But the endgame is always gratification. Once you learn to prolog gratification it isnt so difficult. Too bad people put us in the same zone as those who harm others for gratification. We are nothing like them.
DeleteM.E. Your book was insightful and a boon. It is a depiction of the lesser known sociopath, the one who is able to blend and survive in a society by mirroring behaviors that are acceptable and making an effort every day to be that person that others see, regardless that he/she may feel like a cat eyeing a mouse with desire, yet keeping its claws sheathed and moving away when the impulse to rend becomes too strong. You gave voice to a side empaths do not even realize exists, mired as they are in their misconceptions, which are fostered by the low-functioning (aka "stupid") sociopaths and fed by the sensationalistic media. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI love you 'chimera'. a bit of an OCD besides being a socio
Delete