This entire message will compose of one question; Am I a sociopath? Before I get into it, I believe you'll require some background history.
My family has a history of individuals with little to no emotions, my Uncle, Grandfather and further back. I have a reason to suspect this because of the history they have, my Uncle is a parasitic man living off care benefits from his Psychotic/Schizophrenic sister, attacks people when he drinks, but never gives off body language of guilt or embarrassment when confronted, and Grandfather was entirely selfserving, violent, but extremely cold indiscriminately.
I wasn't abused by any family member as the criteria of ASPD suggests, I was bullied as a child though. Those years are beyond my reach of memory, but I have been told that my educational Psychologist referred me to a child-adolescent mental health service for lack of guilt and/or empathy. What I can remember though from the ages of 11-15 is being 'manipulative, sly, and abusive to teachers, and those distracting from schoolwork' as my principle so eloquently described. In those ages I was arrested twice, once for credible threats to kill and second for drunk and disorderly, there were a few other impulsive acts that got me into bother, but eventually I figured out that I needed to adapt to my environment.
I've only recently turned seventeen, in those two years I've been restricting my need for a thrill to doing things with my 'best friend', a thrill seeker, herself. Now that I've been more introspective, I've noticed that feelings of like or so that a rarely feel are only comparable to the attachment someone would have for an object they wear everyday, but I would discard them if they become non beneficial to me, love on the other hand is very different than what others experience, where they become blinded to everything else but the 'good' in that person, I become practically obsessed, I trail over their lives with a metaphorical comb and enjoy their company, as if they're my own. The sex is different, if it's someone I don't have that attachment to, it's an act, but the other would be consuming. It's unfortunate that it lasts so little time, though, like everything I feel, anger, rage, frustration, all are there and gone in minutes, then I'm just thinking, feeling physically but not emotionally. I don't suppose I *want* to be a sociopath, but if I am then it's just something I've found out about myself. The reason I'm e-mailing you instead of waiting to go to one of the appointments I've been referred to once again, is that I'm curious to see if these feelings (would it be more applicable if I said non-feelings?) are more widespread than I originally thought.
Thank you for your time if you decide to reply.
The "sociopathic diagonosis can be very inexact.
ReplyDeleteIn the case of the female sociopath, must she engage in
conduct disorder that LATER turns into sociopathy?
Or, could the symptems suddenly assert themselves at a later age?
Some women's anti-social traits don't begin until the age of 20.
They are called "Histrionics." There are various "strands" of this
disorder including a "sociopathic" one.
With males, conduct disorder is a virtual certainty (Like teacher
murderer Philp Chism.) but not all budding female sociopaths
attempt to flush the pet kitten down the toilet.
Do you desire to hurt animals or people?
ReplyDeleteMy understanding is that sociopathy is connected to specific deficits in the limbic system and inheriting the "warrior gene" - combined with early childhood experiences that reinforce a sociopathic coping style.
ReplyDeleteIt's exciting to see that neurobiology is starting to bring clarity to the nebulous concept of "moral insanity" because it helps us see just why certain brains behave differently. I'd be hesitant to tell you you are a sociopath based on what you've shared. You sound like an angry young man whose traits may mellow and keep you from fully developing into a sociopath. Your degree of self reflection is certain atypical.
But back to neurobiology- it would be very interesting for you to get an MRI that examined the functioning of your paralimbic system- and also for you to contact a genetic testing site (you can find them online) to see if you have the warrior gene. These things won't tell you definitively that you are or you aren't (James Fallon, Phd is a non criminal who has both of these indicators) but they will clue you into whether what you experience is more pronounced than what is normal for you as a young man during a time period where antisocial behavior is very common.
I have thought more than once that males between the ages of 18-24 are all a little sociopathic because the testosterone is so high and our culture supports a delayed adolescence.
For your sake I hope that you can master your inherent tendencies because if you become a high functioning non criminal person who also possesses the upside to the sociopathic personality (fearless, logical, emotionally even keeled) you will go far in life.
I recommend reaching out to Kent Kiehl (Phd) at the University of New Mexico for further information. There's also a program at the University of Washington for teenage psychopaths that has had incredible outcomes in terms of reintegrating kids with these particular brain dysfunctions.
Best of luck to you.
Anymore information in the program in the university of Washington. Sounds intresting to look into.
DeleteIt's connected to the Mendota Juvenile Treatment Center that was established as part of a juvenile justice reform act. My understanding that to be admitted to the program there had to be some sort of connection to the state organization designated to handle juvenile offenders. In other words- this isn't a fancy rehab- it's a state run program. I don't think that voluntary admission is an option. That being said, googling the organization and reading about the "decompression chamber" process might provide you with a direction to head - at the very least it will give you names and contact information that may yield a valuable referral.
DeleteFor what it's worth, I happen to feel that individuals with sociopathic leaning brains are often unusually gifted, if misunderstood. Antisocial behaviors are generally a response to being a poor fit with the environment they were raised in. The sooner the disconnect between environment and neurobiology can be solved, the more likely that your trajectory will not include a lifetime of self sabotage and nihilistic despair that is punctuated with destructive thrills. The fact that you have the self awareness to diagnose yourself and seek feedback bodes extremely well for you.
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ReplyDeleteAnyone who believes himself capable of assessing the intelligence of a random teenager from an e-mail is not the sharpest tool in the shed.
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DeleteClearly there are no teenagers in your life. They regard such preoccupations as anal and almost take pride in sloppy e-mails. But don't let that knock you off the smug chair.
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DeleteBlah blah blah.
DeleteSorry Erik but a person as humorless as you, can not justifiably consider himself intelligent.
DeleteAs someone who has tutored high-school english, I can tell you that his is comparable, if not better, than others for his age.
DeleteThere are two results from this - either he is a sociopath, or his is not. The point is to look at it objectively. This includes overanalysis. Profiling based on written language can only be used with reasonable accuracy to a limited degree. You can assess education and possible intent. Beyond that, it is not very reliable, and requires other observations of history (past action) and interactivity (current action).
Sociopathy, as it officially stands, requires meeting X number of Y traits. All disorders are diagnosed this way - they are wrappers for possessing a collection of traits, like a candy bag.
This includes *preventing* overanalysis. I teach english and I still make mistake.
DeleteI have to ask, because it is ironic and somewhat funny, how come you have compassion/understanding and honesty as two different choices?
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DeleteThe failure to identify should be taken very cautiously. Personal identification (if you are referring to anonymity) can be dangerous - look at what happened to ME when she let slip one too many identifiers. As for identifying with the disorder, he does state he is unsure. I had known via diagnosis but didn't identify with it for years due to a combination of not understanding the disorder and not wanting the consequences it left me with when they (professionals, teachers, and parents) responded because of it. He doesn't even have a diagnosis, as a form of external third-party verification, to reflect from.
DeleteThe question to ME is a way of getting some measure of an external check. She's not a professional, but as a sociopath that he knows exist, he can get some sort of reply that might fill in a few question marks because she knows from first-hand experience as one.
"you include personal attacks almost as closing statements. There are far more effective (and less inane) ways to get your point across."
DeleteDid you not just say: 'This kid is nothing if not boring as hell' and accuse him of 'sounding like a retard'? If I were his English teacher, I'd be pointing to this as a good example of irony.
Carrie
Are you accepting that they are one and the same? That wasn't confirmed. The statements were directed at two different individuals.
DeleteThe commenter lacks basic skills necessary for discussion. If he is the blog post's subject, he also lacks the balls to own up to his identity.
I stand by my original determination. Boring. As. Hell.
You are criticizing someone for making personal attacks and deriding such attacks as inane when you have just done exactly that, i.e. personally attacked the boy who wrote in. If you can't see the irony in that, I can't help you.
DeleteCarrie
I shared my personal opinion on the subject of the blog post. That's not a conversation, not a discussion. Did I hope to draw him out? Sure. Did I succeed? I have no way of knowing.
DeleteIf he was the one commenting, he had every opportunity to identify himself. Doing so would have earned respect, reevaluation, and an apology.
If the commenter is not the subject, recognize that I was personally insulted twice before simply pointing out that ad hominem attacks are ineffective.
Do you understand that these interactions cannot be interpreted as ironic without knowing the identity of the commenter? If not, I can't help you ;)
I do very much like you by the way, Carrie. For whatever it's worth, not being a pushover is one of my most favorite qualities in another person!
If you suddenly felt horny and a (hygienically clean) guy offered to let you fuck him (you have a condom) or to suck you off, would you? If thats something you absolutely would not do, your not a sociopath.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell is a credible threat to kill? If you can get arrested for threatening to kill someone, why aren't you in a mental facility? Also your 17 so getting arrested for drunk and disorderly is quite normal (I think anyway, maybe not being dumb enough to get arrested but being d&d is).
I find your comment on sex interesting, I'm a self-diagnosed schizoid with high sociopathic traits, as sex has always just been about getting some pleasure to me (although as I can't stand to "play the game", I prefer to get myself off), but it seems to me most of the time people have sex its just an "act" (ppl delude themselves into thinking it meant something more), however when ppl have sex with someone they care about the sex means more, and as for love, is love really about looking past peoples flaws? I think thats just an empaths personality flaw in general.
I think you should forget about trying to find a label (I sporadically searched since I was 16 and only recently as the age of 22 accepted that I may be schizoid) and live your life and mature more, as you may change (as a kid I was a typical introvert sociopath, however at 15 I gradually become more schizoid), however if you listen to the medial professionals who want to diagnose all natural human traits with a disorder label or try to act accordingly to the sociopath label, you may lose yourself in a cloud that you only come out of through death, prison or middle-age. If you wanna torture a cat do so because you want to not because you think your supposed to.
Note: I assuming your a guy as otherwise the whole "would you have sex with a guy" loses its point.
DeleteRe: Feeling horny and fucking a random guy. Been there, done that. Did it last night. They're just living sex toys.
DeleteYoung folks experiencing alienation everywhere, viper-like hatred, haughty self-evaluation & perceiving most others as gullible fools may have discovered a dark seed growing inside.
ReplyDeletetrueSight:
ReplyDeleteI know its different but once I read Hans Asperger book I was surprised that he issued a warning against classifying people if it didn`t serve a purpose.
I always doubt claims made by scientist such as James Fallon. I didn`t read any of his work but I guess he is the living proof that physical predisposition to certain behaviors doesn`t mean you will adopt them(unless I`m missing a part of his life). Nonsensical bullshit such as dark triads, freudian fallacies and DSMs permeate our brain on a daily basis and we as thinking beings make various judgment errors that lead to identity problems. When I was an introverted kid(family introduced my cousin as a first friend otherwise I would have had none) I used to piss everwhere, light things on fire and play rougly with animals... these were just reenactement of things I saw in nature shows(the ones you could see primitive saggy tits too). But many people thought I had a problem because they had seen a bad omen.
The useful thing to ask is not am I, but what else am I? People pointed out clearly the behaviors they dont want you to express, acknowledge it or suffer the consequences.
I understand why people respect and, some, admire her, but why not go to a diagnostician or someone trained to make accusations as these. I get that because of her book people expect her to be able to male such accusations but still she is not trained to. It just really baffles me
ReplyDeleteLower barriers. Speaking to a psychologist/psychiatrist is not as sending an email to ME. Depending on the professional you speak to (the person), you could be forced into things. As a personal example (as a case in point), after I received my second (confirmation) diagnosis I was forced into a program at school for teenagers with "severe personalities". It didn't help too much, but I had to do it anyways (the second psychiatrist was himself more helpful in the end). It certainly did not stop me from getting a teacher fired because I didn't like him (which in retrospect makes me laugh, because I got a counsellor - who had access to my file - to start the process by taking advantage of an event and turning a sob story. I can't believe I got away with that as I was back then.)
DeleteRemember, this isn't a justification for not seeing a professional (what he made me enter was necessary). It's a realization that the resistance to accept it and want it is much higher.
Plainly reading this email may not appear as much. However, as a "typical" sociopath, it would be natural to distort your story in a yet applicable manner to convey your point.
ReplyDeleteFor example, changing your age.
Your level of self-reflection and awareness is definitely worth looking into and gathering more information. It may be atypical for a sociopath, as mentioned by Machiavellianempath, but it does not necessarily eliminate you entirely form the criteria. As I do believe sociopath are uniquely to one-self, just as empaths are.
As far as the grammar goes, it is a silly thing to focus on as "naturally" sociopaths do not much care and/or simply does not bother them/have not thought on whether their email or essay is down to perfection. Thus, even this grammar point is something to consider. Your writing is far better than the average teenagers, advanced even.
Introspection is unquestionably an attribute and to use toward your advantage. The fact that you can recall your behavior from an specific period of time says a lot of your self-analysis. I am curious to know more about this myself; Is this attribute and/or lack of common for a sociopath?
Cheer.
For introspection it would be neither - it is a universally-accessible process almost anyone can do. Or not do. It has two requirements: awareness, and choice. First, a person must be aware of the process, to consciously think of it at that moment. After that, they need to choose to run through it once it is there.
DeleteThat being said, a sociopath can reasonably choose not to - even once they are aware - because they don't care. I don't know how old ME was when she started, but I didn't choose to until my early to mid 20s. But, a non-sociopath can also reasonably choose not to, because they too don't care and/or don't want to. It sometimes may be flavored by rejection or refusal, but they can also not care.
Good for you for asking these questions. I hope you find the answers your looking for, and that you are able to create a life that is meaningful to you. It's great when young people are able to ask these questions.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it would help to elaborate more on the emotional aspect of your life. As someone above mentioned, if a sexual encounter seems suitable, would their gender mattered to you? Has the sex of your partner mean anything to you or is it just irrelevant?
ReplyDeleteDo you know/have known you are different? and have you been certain of it, since you realized you were "different."?
Sexual orientation is too questionable as a reliable trait for sociopathy. A "loose" sexual orientation can be attributed to a more flexible sense of self, a neurological/biochemical configuration, or something else. How sexual orientation is formed is itself too poorly understood to be applied to any disorder or condition.
DeleteId like to know what he means by these non-feelings being "widespread" Does he mean in himself or in other people?.
ReplyDeleteDifferent emotions expected across a multitude of situations. Apathy. Rationality. I imagine that is what he was referring to.
ReplyDeleteTypical teenage boy/girl DESPERATE for attention. Someone who does NOT know the meaning of life to make awful life threats to others. Was just not raised right.
ReplyDelete
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