A reader wonders if he is a sociopath:
I had no idea what a sociopath is. Before I saw the American psycho movie a psychopath was synonym to killer in my dictionary and I am certainly not a killer so psychopath was just not the answer I've been looking for. But the movie made me do some research and stuff and now sociopath may be the answer to all my questions.
I was ten years old when I realised that I am not an ordinary child, I grew up in a muslim family with two kind and loving parents (especially my mother), my father owned a farm where we would go and spend the week-ends. You would assume that I have killed some animals in our farm but I never did. However, I did torture them all and each time I was caught by my father or any of the workers I was beaten to the ground which I didn't understand back then, but they've always told me my soul would burn in hell if I kept doing it which eventually caused me to stop. But each time they would beat me, I would sit alone and ask myself a lot of questions, what did I do wrong? Why is he hitting me? Why care for an animal? Maybe he loves the animal more than me? ... the day I figured it out I was so scared of what I've been doing that I had to create a new me, one that can cover all the evil I've been doing, so I would invent a nerd version of me, for a whole year it was just A's and books and a lonely time in my room, which would comfort my parents for a while, but I wasn't satisfied with the change I've done, I could always sense the presence of the evil within me, and the fact that everyone else seemed so innocent made me hate them all.
by the time I was fourteen I had to create new layers of my new personality, I developed an athletic me who excelled in boxing and basket-ball, later it has become easy to create layers or masks at any moment I want. I would invent a romantic guy, the bad-ass, the good-guy, the naive, and my favorite the stupid guy. And, I never let them go, in fact I've been always aware of people around me, I could tell what they're thinking, how they're feeling. I used my masks to make contact with them, in a point that they would always feel comfortable to me, and from then it was cake to make them do whatever I wanted. The sad thing is that I did it even with my parents. At high-school I convinced my parents step-by-step that I was seing ghosts, and that I may be losing my mind so they would buy me the car I wanted, and I don't know if the psychiatrist they brought me, sucks at his job or did I excel at acting, that guy confirmed my imaginary show. I manipulated a lot of people, and I knew it was bad ,but I was good at it. And It seemed enough for me to keep on doing it. It was then when my insomnia started, and until tody I only sleep twice a week for a few hours, then I'm on the clock. Not that I spend my nights regretting anything, I never have this kind of problem, I usually spend the nights wandering the Streets looking for trouble or adventures, and at sunrise I have to shower, look good then go back to my game. With time, questions kept bothering me. Who am I? everyone seemed obsessed with seeking validation from other fellow humans, except me, why am I so different? And, why am I doing this? I got bored after all, people were getting dumber and dumber and I couldn't find a challenge, game over I've beaten the boss. Then I taught I should look for a new passion, and I was either going back to torturing animals, explore killing and stuff; Or turn the Wheel for 360 degrees and seek redemption, which I am still looking for.
I helped a lot of people in the last two years, probably more than those I've ruined their lives. The interesting case was sam, she had some Relationship problems both in her family and with her boyfriend, (both relationships that I've never had) yet I've been able to anticipate sam's choices in a way that kept her away from harm, and strengthen her confidence, what I didn't anticipate was when sam told me she's in love with me. I panicked, and sam never heard of me again. Love doesn't make any sense to me, most people are seeking it, even in the movies, books, the human world is based on love. Which made mine seem so different. I've never loved someone, I missed people for sure, but it wouldn't cause me any mood change, or disturb my thinking. I've helped a lot of guys to seduce their crushes, I even get messages from friends saying that I give the best advice, and that I have a huge wisdom about life. That they cherish me and that I'm big in their eyes, even if I take everything theoretically; Because my logic is flawless, my lack of feelings, helps my brain to think logically.
For the physical part I am a good looking guy, tall with dark hair and big golden eyes, a strong chin and an athletic body that I managed to keep sculpted disregard my lack of sleep. So maybe I am a sociopath, maybe I am something else. I guess if my actions were of sociopathy I would find the redemption I've been seeking. If not then I am what I am.
I had no idea what a sociopath is. Before I saw the American psycho movie a psychopath was synonym to killer in my dictionary and I am certainly not a killer so psychopath was just not the answer I've been looking for. But the movie made me do some research and stuff and now sociopath may be the answer to all my questions.
I was ten years old when I realised that I am not an ordinary child, I grew up in a muslim family with two kind and loving parents (especially my mother), my father owned a farm where we would go and spend the week-ends. You would assume that I have killed some animals in our farm but I never did. However, I did torture them all and each time I was caught by my father or any of the workers I was beaten to the ground which I didn't understand back then, but they've always told me my soul would burn in hell if I kept doing it which eventually caused me to stop. But each time they would beat me, I would sit alone and ask myself a lot of questions, what did I do wrong? Why is he hitting me? Why care for an animal? Maybe he loves the animal more than me? ... the day I figured it out I was so scared of what I've been doing that I had to create a new me, one that can cover all the evil I've been doing, so I would invent a nerd version of me, for a whole year it was just A's and books and a lonely time in my room, which would comfort my parents for a while, but I wasn't satisfied with the change I've done, I could always sense the presence of the evil within me, and the fact that everyone else seemed so innocent made me hate them all.
by the time I was fourteen I had to create new layers of my new personality, I developed an athletic me who excelled in boxing and basket-ball, later it has become easy to create layers or masks at any moment I want. I would invent a romantic guy, the bad-ass, the good-guy, the naive, and my favorite the stupid guy. And, I never let them go, in fact I've been always aware of people around me, I could tell what they're thinking, how they're feeling. I used my masks to make contact with them, in a point that they would always feel comfortable to me, and from then it was cake to make them do whatever I wanted. The sad thing is that I did it even with my parents. At high-school I convinced my parents step-by-step that I was seing ghosts, and that I may be losing my mind so they would buy me the car I wanted, and I don't know if the psychiatrist they brought me, sucks at his job or did I excel at acting, that guy confirmed my imaginary show. I manipulated a lot of people, and I knew it was bad ,but I was good at it. And It seemed enough for me to keep on doing it. It was then when my insomnia started, and until tody I only sleep twice a week for a few hours, then I'm on the clock. Not that I spend my nights regretting anything, I never have this kind of problem, I usually spend the nights wandering the Streets looking for trouble or adventures, and at sunrise I have to shower, look good then go back to my game. With time, questions kept bothering me. Who am I? everyone seemed obsessed with seeking validation from other fellow humans, except me, why am I so different? And, why am I doing this? I got bored after all, people were getting dumber and dumber and I couldn't find a challenge, game over I've beaten the boss. Then I taught I should look for a new passion, and I was either going back to torturing animals, explore killing and stuff; Or turn the Wheel for 360 degrees and seek redemption, which I am still looking for.
I helped a lot of people in the last two years, probably more than those I've ruined their lives. The interesting case was sam, she had some Relationship problems both in her family and with her boyfriend, (both relationships that I've never had) yet I've been able to anticipate sam's choices in a way that kept her away from harm, and strengthen her confidence, what I didn't anticipate was when sam told me she's in love with me. I panicked, and sam never heard of me again. Love doesn't make any sense to me, most people are seeking it, even in the movies, books, the human world is based on love. Which made mine seem so different. I've never loved someone, I missed people for sure, but it wouldn't cause me any mood change, or disturb my thinking. I've helped a lot of guys to seduce their crushes, I even get messages from friends saying that I give the best advice, and that I have a huge wisdom about life. That they cherish me and that I'm big in their eyes, even if I take everything theoretically; Because my logic is flawless, my lack of feelings, helps my brain to think logically.
For the physical part I am a good looking guy, tall with dark hair and big golden eyes, a strong chin and an athletic body that I managed to keep sculpted disregard my lack of sleep. So maybe I am a sociopath, maybe I am something else. I guess if my actions were of sociopathy I would find the redemption I've been seeking. If not then I am what I am.
Psychopathy is not what motivates individuals to torture, maim or kill. This is probably really the biggest "revelation" about the condition. "Pure" psychopathy is rational will-goverened emptiness, a void with strangers everywhere. The world as "a game" with "players", where one either gets used or refuses to get used.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I think psychopathy is a void. Actions like animal torture are motivated by emotion, however deeply disguised. Psychopathy is defined as an absence of emotion. I cringed reading the blog description of "kind and loving parents' in one paragraph, then said he was regularly 'beaten to the ground' in the next. More than likely the corporal punishment by parents inspired the animal torture. So mundanely typical of victims of abrahamic religions to wax glowingly about parents then reveal abuse in the next breath.
DeleteI dated a socio once, he was hellish in his ways, i hated him as much as i was drawn to his evilness. he kept saying we were one in the same. i should have been in tune. it wasnt until i decided one day to look into what he was when he told me one night that he had anti social personality disorder, at the time i didnt give a f*** what he was saying, all i cared about was making him want me. i can act like im listening even at times where when i look in some ones face and its as if their face is going out of focus and all words become a blurr, i have to try and pretend i care about what they are saying, and even worse, i have to try and connect to it so that i can keep them right where i want them. well i did it, i looked it up... my fascination was over the top, for what? i didnt know untill reading PERSONAL BLOGS... not this bullshit outlined description of us all... it was the personal habits i was drawn to. why? because i had been doing the exact same things all my life. My socio ex was not in love with me. Not how most my victims are.He was incapable of that. my ex was magnetically drawn to me because i was much like him. there was reason to him saying "dont you realize we are one in the same? me and you together can rule this world baby".... unfortunately i was blinded at the time by who i truly was. its quite unfortunate that i won the game between us. two sociopaths can work together or they can be explosive. I CAN NOT BE CONTROLLED or im out. OUR biggest problem was control. I enjoy being alone, i like my detached relations i have where i only benefit from them. as soon as i see the difference in the way they look at me, i mutter to myself " fuc*! here we go again"... they just ruined it all!! dont they see? i now have to be a complete bitch or just ignore them in the hopes that they leave me alone... but a lot dont. they are so long gone and in love and all i see out of it is that its a nothing but a problem!!! I can look back now and even embrace the fact that relationships are games to me. i want something out of it and i like the thought of love,but i dont nor can i love. at whatever time it is that you realize, learn to embrace not "what" you are but "WHO" you are. i am not sick, i am who i am from the past and the tribulations ive been through. i have been crafted by my time here on earth. i dont wish to be different, i wish to be ok with who i am at the end of the day! after all, i dont care what anyone thinks, i care about myself.
DeleteYou ARE what you are, and there's no need at all to apoligise for it!
ReplyDeletePeople are always reminded of their obligations not to hurt other people.
What about the obligation of a person to watch out for THEMSELVES and
not get hurt by a person?
There is undoubetly much evil in the world. This "evil" will not change until
Jesus Christ returns the second time. We can't protect ourselves from ALL things, but we don't have to be victimized by our needy (And greedy)
nature. We can study how our own minds operate and find out that our
emotional and spiritual needs are ALREADY met. It is just unscruplous
folks that want to sell us useless things by playing on our imaginations.
Our bodies need protection and physical upkeep (Which we can easily
obtain in most "first world" countries.) But our MINDS are the source of
our undoing. The "need" for "love" and acceptance because
subconsciously we fear we would be ousted and placed on the streets and die of exposure.
Knowingly or not, ALL fears devolve to fear of death. And we talk of things that would "kill" us if they occurred. Shame, reproof, or embarasement
are perfect examples.
Study how your own mind operates. "Know thyself." Then you can TRULY
help people rather then exploit them. You will discover that there is ONE
human race.
You are what you are. Emphasize on your good virtuous qualities. I tortured a cat before in a very wicked way when I was 13. All I felt was delight & power over it (I still remember the juiciness of it) .... I'm ashamed to say. But honest. I know it was a low move. I'd laugh at a cat, but protect a dog. Idk why. I have never went on torturing cats anymore.
ReplyDeleteI watched the movie Red late last night with my partner. Have you seen it. If your a sociopath, feed the good, and starve the bad. Ain't nothing wrong with how your created. There are many empaths that are far more worse in their thinking inside. I admire your honesty. Feed your positives. There's many good things about you. But your lack of sleep could be fueling something. Submit to meds if you have too. I take meds to knock me out at night because of chronic pain/autoimmune. They keep me sane getting a good night's rest. Good luck. :)
Don't pretend to be something you're not. I know I'm an asshole, and I own that shit like a motherfucker.
DeleteRoar! ;)
DeleteReader who wonders if he is a sociopath:
ReplyDeleteOf course you are. You are smarter and more aware than other people, especially those silly empath sheep. Have you considered taking over the world? Or at least the United States (I am assuming from scant clues that you are a Muslim in America.)
Others here are suggesting you learn to sleep better. Perhaps your ability to get by with little sleep is a useful adaptive characteristic. Once you learn to play the conquer game for jollies, lots of people who fail to recognize your superiority and fitness for ruling will try to kill you or at the very least imprison you, so you will have to be awake and watchful all the time.
You have not mated yet. As no one can live forever, you might want to consider fathering a child. I presume (unless you are one of those rare asexual people, or perhaps a queer who wants to conceal in a time where no one gives a shit how you get off) that you experience lust, and as a master manipulator, you can easily con some female into believing she “loves” you and wants to birth your children.
Once you have a child (or children), you will need to sleep even less, because if any of your children “breed true,” they will be scheming to take your throne. Watch KING LEAR or HAMLET or OEDIPUS REX for a clue about parent-child relationships, especially among “paths.”
Gives a new (to me anyway - never said I was the sharpest on these matters) perspective on the idea: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
DeleteHello Reader - I will simply re-iterate: you are what you are; examine yourself and figure it out and try to be a positive actor in the world.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't let the labels define you - I see them as lenses more akin to a microscope or telescope - a helpful (arguably) tool for studying something. But some people seem tempted to wear them like glasses - and I believe that can be a mistake. Once you integrate the label into your identity, growing beyond it can become more difficult.
The topic of sleep seems to come up a lot (it's a feature for me as well, and chronic migraines too). Is there a biological connection and how well is it understood?
I don't mean to derail, but...
ReplyDeleteI have been fighting back the urge to start each post with, "Hi, I'm Harry and I'm an Asshole."
Lololol
DeleteHLHaller, aka Harry. so what comes after that introduction? Are there 12 steps? Lol
DeleteStrange, just last week, my sociopath friend told me sheepishly that he was an asshole. Yes, I said, a special type of asshole.
ReplyDeleteThis asshole topic has come up several time on this site the past little while. Perhaps discovering the "assholeness" within you is a first step towards becoming high functioning.
Harry, do you like being an asshole? Do you think it is something that defines you, more so than any other characteristics?
Damaged, same questions to you. Also, you say you own your "assholeness"... Are you proud of it? Do you see yourself as a sociopath? Do you see yourself as a sociopath wannabe? Would anybody admit to being a sociopath wannabe?
DeleteHi Old and Wise,
DeleteBeing an asshole is what I see when I look in the mirror...sometimes. Through a mélange of feelings, perceptions, and behaviors, I sometimes do things that I see as, at the very least, self destructive. Emotionally (BP is the shorthand I use for my process - I do like that term...makes it easier to...work on), the feelings that are involved can be just about anything, but usually BIG.
I don't like what I do to the world around me sometimes and I want to do less of those destructive things, so I guess, the answer is that I am using the label of "asshole" to focus on my negative "behaviors" that I don't like - so, no, I don't like being an asshole.
It's useful sometimes. It's necessary sometimes. But, in life I am looking to make it more irrelevant than anything else.
@DocSciFi: actually, I have been thinking about it. Maybe I'll find enough time to get my thoughts down in a coherent enough manner to share - that would be fun. I grew up in "12 step" culture, so the parallels are interesting. 8)~
OldAndWise -
DeleteWhen I say I own it, I mean that I act like myself.
A good example is when someone decides to play sidewalk chicken with me. I get this a lot with small women. At the last moment they’ll move into my path thinking I’m going to move for them. Before I would have moved. Now I don’t and since I’m over 6 feet and over 200 lbs. I win and they bounce off me. If this makes me an asshole what does it make them when they can’t wait a couple of seconds to wait for me to pass by?
I used to help try to be nice to everyone no matter what but that don’t work out well. When you try to help people with nothing in it for you, people either resent you or take advantage of you. So I stopped doing it. I’m going to be myself. I don’t care if people don’t like it.
don't work... = didn't work...
DeleteI forgot to say that I'm not a wannabe.
DeleteSpeaking of psychopaths, has anyone seen "Open Windows" starring Elijah wood and Sasha Grey? Think "Open Windows" like a computer... its FUCKED and I think would appeal to a lot of people who visit this site.
ReplyDeleteFake it till you make has some merit. Actions speak louder than words because actions produce physical results: We can see, taste, hear, smell and feel the results in our bodies. Unless you're a robot, your good or kind actions will thus not only impact others but yourself. By faking it, you can re-mold yourself, I believe. You can learn to enjoy good works instead of bad.
ReplyDeleteRE: know thyself. Any empath who took the trouble to follow this dictum would find that there are some pretty dark holes they are hiding. Many socios would, I think, find that they, too, have goodness lurking underneath their cold masks. Perhaps that's what it means to have a body instead of being made like a machine: the body has its own ideas about wholeness and that wholeness is both dark and light. Don't deny your dark feelings, just don't brood on them. Brooding, fantasizing, is the one thing all serial killers do long before they kill anyone.
A favor: Please leave the animals alone. Hearing about the torturing of innocent critters brings out my inner maniac.
S
Either the star have aligned or the pit of hell is opening up, but here's my whack at it:
ReplyDeleteThe 12 Steps of Assholes Anonymous
1) We come to realize that our lives are unmanageable because of our actions.
2) We come to realize that we need help from outside of ourselves to make our lives manageable.
3) We commit to ourselves and to others to examine ourselves with the goal of being a better person.
4) Make a comprehensive inventory of our intentions, actions, and consequences as they relate to being an asshole.
5) Admit to ourselves and to someone else the exact nature of our wrongs.
6) We are entirely ready to let go of the behaviors that are destructive.
7) Commit to remove the destructive behaviors from how we manage our lives.
8) Make a list of all the people we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.
9) Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10) Continue to monitor our behavior and promptly stop being an asshole as soon as we become aware of it and make amends.
11) Make self reflection a habit and a priority with the goal of making being an asshole irrelevant in our lives.
12) Be available to other assholes who are seeking to be less so and help them to see your path.
Some of the steps, 8 and 9 are virtually verbatim from the Wikipedia page. Being as I identify as devoutly agnostic, I tried to leave any mention of faith based views out of it, but at the same time, leave enough room for them if someone really needs that.
In a sense, I almost see this as a contract with myself and with those I care about to be a more positive aspect of their lives.
Sounds reasonable. A conscious, self aware asshole doing his/her best.
DeleteS
And now all the wannabes on this site can have their very own version of "Harry's Code". Adorable!
DeleteThat's the idea - and seeking always to do better in spite of ourselves.
DeleteThanks ANON 2:17 - I really wasn't making that connection (enjoyed the first couple of seasons) but it makes me giggle.
DeleteBut, really, being an asshole is open to all - empathy, socio, aspie, and all other human variants, so if it helps "wannabe's" (if it sounds like an asshole and smells like an asshole, well...), I'm OK with that -
And my comment that went out just after ANON was in response to S (1:52PM).
Harry's Code! 8D~ Thanks! I needed that!
HLHaller, sweet! Yeah it looks like there's a sweet heart mixed in with an asshole.
DeleteAwe shucks - probably just my BP process on a good day - 8)~
DeleteLike I've said before, I'm a work in progress.
Cheers!
What is BP process? I'm just curious.
DeleteSelected timeline of human transplants: 1950 kidney. 1966 pancreas. 1967 liver. 1967 heart. 2006 prick. [Sexism! Where are the cunt transplants?!]
ReplyDeleteAs of 10/5/2014, there have been no successful empathy transplants. [Quite a few people say that “They have taken Jesus into their heart,” but the success of these claimed transplants must be regarded with great caution and skepticism.
The center for cutting edge (so to speak) research on empathy transplants is Babol University of Medical Sciences, in Iran. They are seeking donors for the first operations. President Ibrahim Mikaniki (M.D.).(communicating under an assumed name) said, “We have lots of potential recipients, perhaps the entire population of Iran, though don't quote me on this, but we have an acute shortage of people with empathy to serve as donors. Speaking anonymously Dr. Ibrahim said, “The Ministry of Intelligence and National Security of the Islamic Republic of Iran (MISIRI), Iran's crack intelligence agency, has informed us that this website, Sociopath World, is one of the leading sources of donors for empathy transplants in the world. Please tell anyone willing to make an empathy transplant to fly into Iran immediately. He or she will be accepted with open arms, especially if they are willing to convert from Mormonism to Islam as soon as they arrive.”
I don't get this constant denigration of ass holes. Just try going without taking a shit for more than a day or two and you will gain an entire new appreciation of your asshole. As William Miller said in the once famous play, DEATH OF A SALESMAN, "Appreciation must be paid to the assholes in our lives." Something like that. Excuse me, I am going to take a dump right now. This web site is one of the best way to prevent constipation I know.
ReplyDeleteI hope everything came out alright -
DeleteThat RA is the rub - being an asshole is both useful and intoxicating and that's why I seek to make that part of myself unnecessary - it's just so damn tempting to indulge.
...but, like I've said, if I get a whiff of justification and being on high ground, coming on, out knives out and grinning is not out of character for me...
LMFAO
DeleteRecognise the masks. I'm not really able to connect with people so all of these different masks are like substitues for emotions almost, there is just nothing there underneath the mask that could connect with others so these masks are my way of connecting with people and get them to do what I want. Also recognise the boredom. I don't really have a need to connect with people, I just find most people stupid and irrational and the only reason I want to interact with people is because I have to at work or because I want something from them. Very occationally do I meet someone where I actually enjoy their Company and really feel a need to connect with someone and I guess in those rare moments I sometimes realise that there is something that is kind of missing but I can usually compensate for it but it becomes apparent to me at times that there is something that is not quite right compared to others.
ReplyDeleteI am wondering how many of the true sociopaths out there consider killing people. I'm not talking about just hunting for the kill but killing out of curiosity or when you want someone to just go away because their existence bothers you.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great question but why did you address it only to "true sociopaths" -- whatever they are.
DeleteDo you think it's only true sociopaths who could fantasize or 'consider' murder out of curiosity or to rid themselves of a nuisance?
I addressed it that way because it seems like sociopaths or psychopaths would be more likely to kill just because. I am curious how many people (any type of person) fantasize about murder and how many would do it if they could get away with it if there wasn't a chance of ever getting caught.
DeleteWhat about you Doc? Have you fantasized about murder or ?
DeleteAnon, my understanding is that psychopaths have fewer inhibitions to murder, so if they have bloodlust they are more likely to act on it than a person who is not a psychopath. It's the lack of inhibitions that matters re acts...
DeleteAbout myself, well no I can't say that I've fantasized about murdering someone although I have had a fantasy of a prolonged torturous death of someone I knew -- that he brought on himself. Ha. It makes me laugh.
Prolonged tortuous death? That's interesting. I've never really thought about physical torture as a method to killing, maybe torture then kill, but I do enjoy the psychological kind quite a bit.
Deleteyeah it was interesting enough to write 30 pages at one point, a profound psychological deterioration and an excruciating death. However he had to do it to himself for my fantasy to work.
DeleteSo you wrote 30 pages about what it's like to be married? lol
Delete@Anonymous 5:04PM: *spits out her coffee at the computer screen* bahahaha xD didn't see that one coming.
Deletehahahhah. a revenge fantasy it was. each step, each choice he could choose to do good or he could choose to do evil and march like a zombie into a grotesque horrifying death. He always had a choice and he knew it, and each time he choose evil (he had countless chances in 30 pages) and knew what he was marching himself into all the way -- his zombie death drowning in pig shit. ok. does this make me 'normal'. and no I'm not a socio. it's one thing though that can get me to laugh almost no matter what.
ReplyDeletePig shitties. I have a pen of shit if you want for them.
DeleteJokes. ;) But the pigs are getting killed tomorrow. :( :) meat.
DAG!!! I was hoping to need some hungry pigs in a few days too... *shaking head* timing...wait, wasn't someone asking about bloodlust? (JK)
DeleteBut...mmm...pork chops...
oh, yes, the juiciest bits I guess involved his penis being on fire too as he marched into a sea of pig shit, and then there was the 'hand of god' that stroked his penis to put out the flame and as he ejaculated the hand yanked his penis off and instead of blood pouring out it was his own pig shit that he ended up drowning in. But he was still wide awake and lived for some time on in horror and misery...
DeleteAnyone else care to tell a fantasy of murder or death?
I have never murdered anyone. I have had my “Dexter Morgan” moment, where I certainly fantasized about murdering someone, and it turned out far better than anyone could have imagined.
DeleteI love pork chops too. And all organic too. Mmm. With a nice apple sauce on the side. Nights all. X I'd let you try some if we were closer.
DeletePenis on fire. Lordy! Ouch. I felt that. He must a really done something awful.
DeleteI fantasize of fighting. I think it's typical for cluster b. But never act on it. Just feisty. My husband says I drive him 75% crazy. :D
@DoctorSciFi: I guess it counts as a murder fantasy: when I watched a certain episode of The Walking Dead's season 4 where the main character *spoilers?* opens a man's throat with his bare teeth, I felt a rush. I have had fantasies where people try to attack me somewhere secluded, thinking that they are the predators, and then I open their throats. I would love to see the look on their faces. I try not to think about it too much, though. I don't see much of a point in fomenting bloodlust in myself if I am unable to satiate it at the moment.
DeleteI did have a dream the other day about the zombie apocalypse, it's awesome because you can kill everyone (that is a zombie, anyways) and people will actually thank you hehe. My family was freaking out over the zombies and I was fetching the steel bat, all "come at me, bro". Le sigh. We all have our hopes :P
Continuing (part 2) Years ago, by a series of events too bizarre to explain, but true, my wife and I became involved with the second most pernicious and notorious cult leader in the history of Oregon. And destroyed him. Lots of people have heard of the Rahneesh cult, instigated by a New Age East Indian scoundrel with lots of willing sex slaves, a notorious attempt at food poisoning, and lots of other good stuff too bizarre to make up but quite true. (Look it up if you don't know it and don't believe me.)
ReplyDeleteNo one here has heard of the second most pernicious cult in Oregon history, started by a California psychopath named Chris Canfield, a new age sociopath from California and started outside of Cottage Grove, Oregon, a bit south of Eugene and the University of Oregon, and called Cerro Gordo (which means “fat mountain” in Spanish, but sounds cooler when said with a Hispanic accent). Cerro Gordo started as a garden variety sex and drugs 60s commune. Canfield somehow attracted some minor league 'paths who orbited around him like planets around an evil son and a host of naïve, idealistic aging hippies. Canfield never openly murdered anyone, but after he dragged his wife into group sex parties, she committed suicide by running into the woods with a bottle of anti-depressants in her hand. Is driving your spouse to commit suicide the “perfect murder.”
Continued part 3 Cerro Gordo was a cult brilliantly designed to attract people who say, “I am the kind of person who would never join a cult.”That describes my wife and I perfectly. My wife is an intelligent, polite, and respectful atheist, and probably far too empathic for her own good, but practical and probably more likely to stab an intruder with a kitchen knife than I am. (I would waste too much time explaining to the intruder why he would regret his foolishness. Oddly enough, we once gave refuge to a neighbor fleeing domestic abuse and the abuser [broher-in-law] pursued her with [at the very least] a knife, which he used to slash a Good Samaritan who had stopped in the face. My wife and I are brilliant people in that we have been foolishly lucky all our lives.) I, of course, am a dubious nut who is a sociopath “wannabee” embarrassed by my wimpy delusional 'pathy.”
ReplyDeleteAnyway, back to Cerro Gordo. My wife and I wanted to flee the city (at that time in our lives, Portland, OR and “homestead” in the “country.” Cerro Gordo wasn't really our “cup of tea,” but we thought somehow we could find a niche. Chris advertised Cerro Gordo as an “eco village” and claimed he was saving thousands of acres of pristine forest from clear cutting. He never had enough money to buy the land he was supposedly “saving,” so he embarked on a complex series of real estate scams disguised as “socially responsible investing.” Most swindlers appeal to the greed of their victims: “Invest $10,000 in this stock and you will make a $100,000.”
Cerro Gordo appealed to victims' idealism. “Invest $10,000 in our parcel of land to save a forest; eventually we will turn it into a corporation that owns and protects the forest; only uses careful selecting logging to preserve the forest; help us to purchase this forest by investing in a parcel of land which you can't exploit; eventually we will form a corporation and repay you with a “fair” 6% return on your idealistic investment. This summary is only about 1/1000% of the true story. Even though I am close to a psychopath I'm telling you the truth.
Chris Canfield fooled us completely for about three years. We invested a tiny bit of money (about $1,400) in a land deal. Eventually, even my dull nose smelled a rat. Once I began to dig, I discovered that Canfield had stolen about 1,000,000 over a twenty year period in ways that did not look like stealing. His “payoff” came not in living “high,” but in being the undisputed king of an empire where his word was the complete law.
Continued part 4 My wife and I tried without success for about a year to work for reform within the more or less autonomous pseudo government.
ReplyDeleteEventually, once I had gathered a house full of documents dating back 20 years with enormous evidence indicating that Chris Canfield was a major white collar criminal. I approached the Oregon State Department of Justice. They said, “We have limited resources. We have to triage. We try to deter typical swindlers. For example, crooked used car dealers who sell junk cars to migrant farm workers that break down when they're 100 miles out of town traveling to another farm on a road to nowhere. We bust the worst example so bad, the other crooked car dealers behave themselves for five years or so. What you are describing,” the assistant DA told me, “is so weird that it won't happen again in a hundred years. What you say may be perfectly correct; we just can't work it into our priorities.” (This is from memory about a conversation 40 years ago, but I think it's pretty accurate.)
At this point I had worked myself into an obsessive frenzy of self-righteousness. Certainly, Canfield was an evil psychopath, and he had harmed quite a few people with his thefts, but he was hardly Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, or Ted Bundy. I do remember driving down a dark Oregon highway at night, nothing but tall trees around me, and thinking, “IF I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO KILL THIS EVIL MAN AND DUMP HIS BODY IN THE WOODS SO CLEVERLY THAT NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT ME, I WOULD BE DOING THE WORLD A GREAT FAVOR!” Of course, I would have been one of the chief suspects, and I had no doubt that I would have been caught, arrested, and convicted without any difficulty. So I did not commit murder, Dexter-like “taking the law into my own hands,” not because I had any moral qualms, but only out of simple self preservation.
As we had “legal standing,” because of our tiny investment (which Canfield immediately offered to repay like a lizard that loses its tail without harm to a predator), we decided to sue in civil court. (Although it did not involve murder, I like to describe it as our “OJ trial.”).
Continued and end (part 5). A very distinguished lawyer offered to take the case for a $100,000 retainer, saying, “This guy must be stopped.” My wife and I probably had about $5,000 total assets (and so much debt that our “net worth” was actually negative). Eventually, we found a young lawyer just out of University of Oregon law school who agreed to take the case on contingency. We got very lucky. The young lawyer turned out to be brilliant (going on to a very successful career). The judge turned out to be biased in our favor (properly so, of course) and so skillful that even when the case was appealed to the state Supreme Court there were no “fingerprints” on the court record to make it worth overturning. The case ended up taking three weeks (a long time for a civil trial), full of so much drama and excitement that it might have been written by a Hollywood script writer. We won just under $100,000 AND collected.
ReplyDeleteChris had been sued and lost before, but because he lived a “judgment free life style” losing law suits were nothing more than a minor inconvenience to him. Our lucky-brilliant stratagem was to sue not only him but also his girl friend (the wife of one of his sociopath followers) and his accountant who had plenty of assets. It took about five years to collect, but now we own five acres of woods and four very spoiled hens on an island. As Canfield's total thefts had run over a million dollars, I felt very little qualms about not sharing what we won with the people who had lost a lot of money to him. After all, while I may not be a REAL sociopath, I may pass for one on a dark night like this one. So on my tombstone (not that I plan to have one) you can put,
“Swindled a sociopath out of $100,000. Takes one to steal from one.”
I know why I'd choose a dog before a cat. A dog will never betray you. Would lay beside you if you died in loyalty. A cat would eat you when your dead. They just don't care. Maybe that why I kinda disregard them as oppose to a dog. I should see the value in both. But I don't to be honest. But I admit that's just probably skewed thinking on my part. I'm really trying to like them.
ReplyDeleteJust a side note. Okay nights
Superchick, No nightmares I hope:
Deletehttp://www.huffingtonpost.ca/news/dead-owners-eaten-by-dogs/
Dogs are fucking disgusting.
Delete@Superchick: I feel the same way about cats. Dogs can be trained. There's a reason why people don't refer to something difficult as "trying to herd dogs". Cats, I never liked. I'm also allergic, but that's hardly the reason why.
DeleteDon't worry. Many of the people who post here don't know if they are sociopaths either. But they seem to be attracted to self-diagnosing based on the scattered, confused, and amateurish collection of entries and ramblings that make up this web site. That seems to inspire them as much as depictions of psychopaths and sociopaths they see in movies, books, TV, and the media. From what I've read, taking on a sociopath identity
ReplyDeletecould be a good way to put up defenses and deny emotions such as fear. If you torture animals or treat other people poorly, that doesn't mean you're anything but a disturbed person with a tragic lack of insight about yourself and the world around you. Some of you simply fail to understand what relationships are. Others display a disturbing lack of emotional maturity. If you aspire to earn the sociopath diagnosis or label by glorifying your immoral or poor behavior, best of luck to you. But I'd suggest you see a professional to sort things out instead of wasting your time posturing and bragging on the internet about thing that you really don't understand or cannot handle.
Majesty. Teach us your ways, O perfect one! I bet my last 20 dollars you're the disturbed one.
DeleteAh, the ramblings of a true sociopath, er troll. How impressive your small minded musings are. . .
DeleteDo you have to act so hard to justify your own existence? Is your self esteem suffering that much? Come now, let me give you a bloody hug. . . {{{♡}}}
DeleteWow, I expected more from an armchair psychologist/troll. I do need a hug after that comment because i feel really let down. I expect so much more from such an insightful person.
DeleteLower your expectations. You don't fool me frenemy. People like you dish it out whenever you feel like it to look good on the outside, but your dirty inside. I just choose to scoop it back on your plate because I see through it. Eat up. Does it taste good? Salt? Bitter my dear? Can I get you a drink?
DeleteThe bully decided to join us again? Fuck, when we'll he fuck off. Playing the victim card like he's a nice boy. I see your wild cards.
DeleteI recently finished M.E.'s book and I have mixed feelings on the use of her rhetoric that I keep coming across in all of these posts. It's almost as if every person who can use the word "mask" or "game" are suddenly vindicated! It's okay, no need to further analyze your behavior, you're a sociopath: one of us. Give me a break. There is no vindication for you and honestly why would you care? What's the fun of being catagorized and labeled? So we can all live together in a nice little compound where we make group trips to create chaos and despair? No thank you, I don't play well with others. You don't need someone else to tell you who you are and to hold your hand while they give you the "It Gets Better Speech". Buck up and find some intrinsic strength and control yourself.
ReplyDeleteI FEEL like your whole life story was extremely depressing. Where is the fun? The excitement? I can imagine you sitting in some lonely basement, torturing little animals and convincing yourself that their squeals are some form of conversation. "I've manipulated people...I've ruined a lot of lives...redemption...other humans..." and other unimportant essentials. You're still the little boy who wants to know why he's being beaten, why is his soul going to burn? It is all inconsequential. How will redemption or even vindication truly change your behavior? How will labeling yourself a sociopath give you the strength to control yourself?
You're weak. There's nothing wrong with that. After all, somebody has to make the sandwiches and the wolves don't exist without the sheep.
I've heard about that book is it worth reading? Watched your video, I'm not sure I followed it, or what your project is but it was interesting.
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