A reader asked me if I dislike wearing masks and what else I might like doing:
I think that it's easy to start resenting the mask if you feel like you have to wear it, that other people or your circumstances are making you wear it. And then you will do little things to act out, like a put-upon husband will look for ways to escape or sabotage his marriage, maybe. I am not sure the acting is sustainable, but the older you get, I think the less scrutinized you become.
For me the most satisfying thing I do is playing music. It's manipulative and I control it but it also controls me. It's what the best love affairs are supposed to be, I imagine. Apart from that, I think I just like doing something that I'm good at and getting caught up in the flow. I like things that occupy my complete attention, whatever they may be. They give me a respite from myself and the circular thoughts plague me. If I don't have something else to think about, I feel like my thoughts turn in on themselves, like an ingrown toe nail or like I'm standing in between two mirrors. They quickly turn meta and then meta upon meta.
I think that it's easy to start resenting the mask if you feel like you have to wear it, that other people or your circumstances are making you wear it. And then you will do little things to act out, like a put-upon husband will look for ways to escape or sabotage his marriage, maybe. I am not sure the acting is sustainable, but the older you get, I think the less scrutinized you become.
For me the most satisfying thing I do is playing music. It's manipulative and I control it but it also controls me. It's what the best love affairs are supposed to be, I imagine. Apart from that, I think I just like doing something that I'm good at and getting caught up in the flow. I like things that occupy my complete attention, whatever they may be. They give me a respite from myself and the circular thoughts plague me. If I don't have something else to think about, I feel like my thoughts turn in on themselves, like an ingrown toe nail or like I'm standing in between two mirrors. They quickly turn meta and then meta upon meta.
1sting
ReplyDeleteI hope you are not allergic to bee stings.
Deletenot even to tits that size
DeleteReal socios like to have dinner parties for themselves & visit themselves & say hi. Then they kiss themselves goodnight & dream about romance...the sexy object of these nocturnal desires I perhaps don´t have to mention.
ReplyDeleteLet me introduce you to Mr. or Ms. Masturbation. Who else understands your secret needs better!
DeleteThank god for my fingers!
DeleteYou don't have to wear a mask! Not at all! You need only be yourself
ReplyDeletebecause that's all you can be to begin with. Everything else is an
excess-baggage-add-on.
Your good at your job. The book sold "well enough." You've got your family that
will stick by you. I'm sure you have a good circle of friends. Your personal life is
nobodies business. But your attactive enough that you shouldn't want for
attention there. You are NOT a reviled social outcast. You are NOT laughed at.
Your young and reasonablly healthy.
You think you must have distraction and stimulation to ward off the fears you
are a "phoney." You can relax your guard. M.E. Thomas will NOT behave like a
monster, because M.E. Thomas is NOT a monster. 30+ years is ample
oppertunity to find out whether or not you are a monster. It can't ALL be due to
your Mormon faith, and sheer dumb luck.
You can live a non-supressed life. ALLOW yourself to feel your emotions.
Don't worry that you will go off with a machine gun because, in the deeper
recesses of your being, you know that would only harm YOU. And nobody
KNOWINGLY harms themselves, when they SEE alternatives.
Boredom? That will vanish once you achieve self actualization. You will be like
Eboneezer Scrooge on Christmas day. For help I recommand you read the book:
"Sunshines: "The Astrology Of Being Happy" by Michael Lutin.
Somebody missed the bit with the escalator repair guy, didn't they? The thoughts are there, she just doesn't act on them
DeleteI can relate to, "I like things that occupy my complete attention, whatever they may be. They give me a respite from myself..."
ReplyDeleteI am utterly devoid of the ability to play music - I have long envied people that can play. Not for lack of trying, mind you -
For me, the closest thing I have found is riding sport bikes - there is "flow" where riding "at speed" feels almost effortless. Of course, as I get older, I'm less enthusiastic about the consequences when things go wrong, so I search for other outlets -
With you on the music thing. I come from a family of musical geniuses. One Pulitzer/Macarthur Award winner. One lead guitarist for the almost champion rock and roll champion band of Senegal (though white as a ghost). For reasons I can't remember, I played flute and piccolo.
DeleteOne true "traumatic" experience and one obscene joke.
True experience. My parents sent me to take flute lessons with the finest flue teacher in Los Angeles. They could not afford it. I can't help that I grew up in a family of crazy people. After a year or so of lessons, I asked my flute teacher, "How am I doing?"
He replied, "Stephen, of all the students I have with no talent, you are the best one."
Dumb obscene joke. During the days of the British Raj in India, a Maharajah hires a British orchestra to perform for him. After the concert, the prince is so pleased that he order his servants to fill the musicians instruments with gold dust. All the musicians are delighted, except the piccolo player, who obviously comes out with the least benefit from this act of generosity.
The next performance, the prince is irritated. As a tyrant, he has a fit of dangerous self-indulgence. He orders his servants to shove all the musicians' instruments up their asses. The musicians reassure themselves that probably now that Britain rules India, the prince won't really carry out his mad order. The piccolo player looks especially disconsolate. He laments to the tuba player, "In your case, the order is obviously ridiculous and impossible. In my case, he could actually do it!"
Sports bikes. Not so hot for me either. Things went wrong at the age of 12. My friends and I rode our bikes around our California town (near Disneyland). We had a "dead man's hill" (for pre-teens). My friends went down the slope as fast as they could and round the turn at the bottom as fast as they could. Being the "chicken" of the gang, I rode down slowly,using my brakes. My friends laughed at me.
DeleteOne day, riding by myself, I decided to "go for it." Understand, in a relatively poor family, I had a piece of shit bicycle. Down the hill I went, as fast as I could! Whee! Flow! Around the turn. The chain guard came off and went into the spokes. Down I went! Face into the asphalt. Blubbering like the wimpy kid I was I stood up and brought my hand to my face. My hand was covered with blood. I picked up my smashed bike and pushed it the mile or two home, crying and sobbing the entire way.
Got home. Opened the door. Walked in one my mother, with my face covered with blood. Almost worth the pain to hear her scream in alarm.
She had grown up on a farm, so she was used to accidents. She washed my face off. To my disappointment, I had a relatively small cut, that just happened to bleed like a mother-fucker. Anyway, I learned my lesson at the age of 12. I decided to stay chicken for the rest of my life. No expeditions up Everest for me. Even so, people have tried to kill me and I have been connected to three homicides, though none caused by me. You hear that, bored FBI agent monitoring this site?
Are you a male or female
DeleteNot that it matters, just curious.
DeleteLast time I looked, I was an outie. As I am 70 yeas old, it doesn't really do the innie-outie thing any more.
DeleteOk so that means you were born with male genitalia, right?
DeleteCorrect. I once had a friend on the Internet whom I knew as David. Eventually I discovered that David was really Joan. David, because of childhood abuse suffered from multiple personality disorder. David is now described as DID -- Dissociative Identity Disorder. David/Joan is transgender. Before she integrated all her "alters" (current jargon for personalities) one of her alters really believed it was a man named David. I asked her to meet me for dinner. Before we met, a good friend of mine advised me not to meet her, warning me that David/Joan was probably a serial killer. I met David/Joan. She was an attractive woman (or so she appeared with all her clothes on and I did not ask her to disrobe). We had a pleasant dinner and conversation. She did not attempt massacre me. I think we are all more and less than our labels, and we are getting stranger and stranger as we evolve ourselves into a new species.
DeleteWhat was the question again? Have the aliens from another star system landed yet?
You're the alien.
DeleteRA, your interesting. I get a kick out of you. :-) I've always loved the aging population way better than my generation. I'll be 37 years young this Christmas. My husband's grandmother was like an open book of stories that I very much enjoyed listening to with tea and scones. Lol. She passed away at the ripe age of 95 last year. I miss her stories so much.
DeleteI enjoy this website a lot from my Facebook called "growing bolder." You'd probably enjoy it. People do things in their eighties, nineties, heck even way beyond. It's full of hope for your future. I'm sure they have a website too if you just Google.
I'll be 37, but my mind feels young, alive. :D
DeleteI'm usually more comfortable with people either older than me or people younger than me (I'm talking platonic here - ). People my age have always felt...like I wasn't in tune with them some how.
DeleteThese days it's about 5-10 years minimum - that seems like enough of a gap to "explain" my "awkwardness," maybe?
I'm pushing 50 and let me say, it's not the years, it's the miles! 8D~
That gap is perfecto HLs 5-10 years. My partner is 7 yrs older, it's real nice. People my age, I don't tend to relate with much also. Ots usually younger or older, not so much my age. So many borderline I have meant feel this way. It's not the first I heard. ;) hmm 50, do you have some grey coming in. I love the salt and pepper look on men. I just love the way the body ages gracefully.
DeleteErrrr, phone dam autocorrect
DeleteHL and super chick,
DeleteI was thinking about what you said, and wondering if i was having a hard time relating to people my age. I'm 34. The problem is is I'm really 5 so it's hard to relate with people :/ :/
Hi S.C. and Dr. G!
DeleteHa! Ma Haller is 9 years and 9 months my junior (chronologically - she's at least 20yrs my senior in maturity! *giggle*).
Being as I'm sorta new to the whole BPD "thing", age related comfort aspect is interesting - how about other Cluster B's out there? Is it just a BPD experience?
I've "invented" [what seems like] countless theories on why I relate to people the way I do - this seems cleaner than most.
I've long had the sense that I've lagged my "chronological cohort" from an emotional development perspective - it's a long and, without alcohol, pretty boring, story. As I've gotten older the lag seems to increase. To a degree, I've seen myself as being a "bit slow" to mature emotionally. (My first child was born in my early forties!!!).
@SC: I used to have brown hair and I started getting little bits of grey in my 20's - but the real action hit in my 40's starting around my sideburns/"chops". (my sister refers to my facial hair as a "pharaoh.") and yep - there are streaks of grey.
...I think it's about to go find Ma... >:->
I can relate with anyone as long as it remains on a superficial level. It's when things go deeper they can get dicey. I'm not sure age ever factors in to it. I have major queen bee syndrome. Any other queen bees I encounter, I try to be respectful and stay out of their queendom.
DeleteLololol. You two! :D
Delete"Apart from that, I think I just like doing something that I'm good at and getting caught up in the flow. I like things that occupy my complete attention, whatever they may be. They give me a respite from myself and the circular thoughts plague me."
ReplyDeleteMany people have this experience. It's not specific to sociopathy. It's related to other things like creativity, or the urge to create (whether one has it or not), or as HLHaller I guess the experience of being a fully engaged sensate body in touch with their environment (I used to get that from skiing myself), or academic work or anything that actually requires a great deal of concentration.
Hi Doc,
DeleteYep - it's all about the focus. I can almost get there with surfing. However, since the Unholy Spawn, I haven't had a lot of time and/or energy for it and I need to be fairly conditioned (i.e. not feel so fat or old! 8D~).
I do, however, miss sport bikes. I used to live in the San Francisco Bay Area and I became spoiled - I could ride to track days, there are almost countless back roads, a long riding season, and a vibrant motorcycle "culture."
In SoCal, it's just not the same, so I ride much, much less - not as much fun.
I could out bike anyone! Let's go! Lol ;)
DeleteI forgot to mention sex. lol. Superchick thanks for sharing your life and concerns with your children in a previous posts. Your kids have more freedom than most can imagine these days.
DeleteMy winter project is to get the old warhorse of a VFR back on the road (looking for some plastic...). What track do you have in mind and what's your ride?
DeleteMy favorite track bike was, without question, my old RC-51. Sigh...I miss that bike...
Okay when ur done rebuilding, me & doc are taking it for a ride! Pretty please! :p
DeleteGet real. You're not a sociopath. You're just a narcissistic bullsh*t artist who wants to sell a book and loves attention, so much that you'll wear a blonde wig on Dr Phil's show. You're sort of entertaining, Jamie. But no sociopath. A sociopath would not give a crap about their relatives the way you do. Rock on.
ReplyDeleteYou're a shallow waste of space. Regardless of how sociopathic or not you think she is, obviously a guy with a PhD in psychology determined she fit the criteria. However, sociopaths are extremely protective of those that they love.
Delete"so much that you'll wear a blonde wig on Dr. Phil's show!" pffffttt thanks anon, you just made me spit out my diet coke. you're indignant and make absolutely no sense, rock on with your trolling, perhaps with practice you'll get better at it, or at least make sense.
DeleteYou poor dear.
DeleteIt must be hard not understanding all those blonde jokes people keep repeating to you, slower and slower, before finally walking away muttering something about points being proven, huh?
Truthishly, they like make no sense and must be like totally trolling too, right?
Reread his comment until that lonely little brain cell wakes up. There was no indignation and he does make sense. Even if I do disagree with him on one point. Sociopaths can be very possessive and protective of their loved ones. They are ours, damn it.
@anon 11.36
ReplyDeleteSociopathy is on a spectrum. Some care for nobody, not even themselves. Others care for family members and more. You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about something.
Zerothian.
If you dont want to have such boring circular thoughts, force yourself to think about other people and stuff thats got nothing to do with you, even if its dull at first.
ReplyDeletetotally. wait...what?
DeleteThat is beautiful writing, ME. An ingrown toe nail describes it perfectly LOL
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind comments from some people. I really appreciate the "You're the alien" comment. Starting around the age of 10 or so, I read a great deal of science fiction. Some of the greatest science fiction I ever read were stunning portrayals of sociopathic behavior and psychology. Two of the most memorable for me were Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" a brilliant description of the human need to make ourselves feel better by scapegoating. The other, absolutely brilliant story was Jerome Bixby's "It's a Good Life," (also made into at least four video presentations. It's about a four year old child with naer God like powers.
ReplyDeleteI am a fanatical atheist. Although there are a few fairly good religious science fiction writers, most of the genre are fairly obvious atheists. The people who composed the Judeo-Christian Bible and the other creators of the most esteemed religious works (Hindu, Islam -- close to Christianity and Judaism -- Buddhism -- and so on were the science fiction writers of their times.
I must get my hands on a copy of that Lottery book. Sounds interesting about how humans do scopegoat to feel better about themselves. I always tell my partner that. Lol
DeleteFudge this autocorrect. Scapegoat*
DeleteWhat instrument do you play?
ReplyDeleteSuperchick: "The Lottery" is not a book. It's a short story (published in 1948 in THE NEW YORKER magazine. It's available to read free on line at http://sites.middlebury.edu/individualandthesociety/files/2010/09/jackson_lottery.pdf
ReplyDeleteWhen published it created a huge uproar, taking both the magazine and the author completely by surprise. It's now considered one of the greatest short stories of the 20th Century. I think I was about 15 years old when I read it, and it completely blew me away and still does. There's a fine Wikipedia article about the story and the reactions to it.
Another fine work in the same vein, though this time a complete book, is LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding. (It's a movie, also.) The book is about some English school boys who are shipwrecked on a Pacific island after a vague World War III like Armageddon calamity. There are no girls and no adults. The boys struggle to organize themselves into a semblance of civilization (there are enough resources on the island that their survival is not threatened by lack of food or water).
There attempts at organization gradually descend into barbarism and savagery. The allegory (about adult humans and war) is thick, but the story telling is adept and gripping, so it's not thick ladled allegory. Quite horrifying, really. Which might make it the right "cup of tea" for the 'paths here. Of course, few if any people here want to do much anybody else suggests as interesting or useful, so suit yourself.
I play music. Not well, but that doesn't really stop me. Mostly electronic stuff, so it is less of a live performance and mostly just me sequencing and multi-tracking stuff in my little home studio. I put it online, some people like it but it isn't anything special.
ReplyDeleteThis discussion of masks really hits home for me. For a long time I was trying to figure out what it meant that all of my interactions with people seemed to be faked, like an act. I really was starting to resent these interactions with everyone. I think figuring out that I am a sociopath has helped me to resent the masks less.
Anal sphincters are the bong! You control it all day long!
ReplyDeleteEveryone wears a mask at some point. Sales people, politicians and countless others, including myself, do it all the time. I can't remember the number of times I've wanted to tell someone they're a jerk but didn't, because to do so would get me fired or worse, punched in the face. It's hard pretending to be nice and reasonable when all you want to do is call a spade a spade. The effort of not doing it takes its own toll. So there are times when I just let that shit fly. But there's a price for that, too.
ReplyDeleteSp
what you're saying is not wearing a mask, ;) wearing a mask means completely pretending who y are. like changing your whole personality. like acting in a show.
Deletenot wearing a mask makes y less powerful. and i actually like to wear it and i also like to be put it down with 1 or two people who won't think it's a bad thing. i have a person who won't run away from me when she finds out for ex. i steal things when we're out shopping and i get bored. ( i put them back after knowing i can get away with it. after knowong i did it successfully)
ReplyDeleteand also, the thing about liking to do whatever takes your complete attention is veery true about me.