A comprehensive attempt to categorize oneself

A long email from a reader asking:

First of all, I wanna say I have read almost every post of your blog, and it really makes me happy that someone's taking the time to do this. Actually help us with our doubts and everything.

Before beginning my history, I just want to note that my main language is not English, so there will probably be mistakes with grammar or something like it. 

It's hard to choose where to start, but I'll do my best.

I have had an inner doubt for a few months now: am I a sociopath? 

How did I get to this question?

During one class at school, my teacher was talking about Sociopaths, noting every trace that one might have, and, to be honest, I had seen myself in those traces as he spoke, but said nothing. The thing is, as soon as the teacher finished, my friends looked at me and smirked, 'you're a Sociopath', they said. And I simply took that as a joke. 

It's been in my mind since then.

In my small group of friends, I've always been known as the 'weirdo', simply because I'm not outspoken, I don't get along with most of our colleagues, and always been called the 'cold' one, because I never really showed my feelings. I never been outspoken, but I always been articulated with words.

Lately I have developed a curiosity towards serial killers. I've always had this 'uncommon' interest in things that people usually tend to ignore because it doesn't seem healthy. 

The therms sociopath and psychopath became a routine, but it was more like a hobby until I came across this personality test to see if you're a 'sociopath'. My intention was just to amuse myself, but when the result was positive, I made other three tests like that, and all of them the same. I don't think this could be a trustful diagnoses, so I started looking up for the traces of a sociopath, and it seemed that I had many things in common. 

Since I have been a child, I have never got along with other people very well, simply because I'd rather my own company, but people always seem to love me. Teachers, other students, everyone. They saw me like this smart and sweet little girl, but deep inside I felt like I was pretending. Until I learned I could get things from it. I'd usually be nice to people to get something. Anything. Not a big deal to me, everyone does that, and specially back then (I believe I was 9). 

I think my life took this turn when I was 4, because I was molested in school, but I can't really say, since I don't remember anything before that. My mom says that after that, I turned into this more reserved girl. This was a fact that I had to pretend I forgot for the next 10 years, because I did not want my parents to worry about it. 

Since I can remember, I haven't been really that person that loves everyone. No, I'm not saying I don't love. I do. I love my family. My mom, my dad, my grandma, my brother... The ones that are with me in a daily basis. 

I don't have many people I consider friends, because I just can't trust people. And even if I do trust them, I have never been able to be truthful with them. I'm not saying that I lie about everything, but even when there's no reason to, I'll make up a lie or two, sometimes just to show them that I'm better somehow. In my whole life, I only had one friend I have been totally honest, and that I totally trusted. Someone I'd give my life for. (What happened isn't really what matters.)

I think, even when I don't feel able to love or feel empathy for everyone I know, I love too much that small group of people that I'm able to feel something for. I hope I'm making sense here, as said, my mother tongue is not English. But I love too much, to the point I feel it gets close to an obsession.

Manipulating people to get something, sometimes only amusement, is also something I do quite often. Isn't really something I try to do, it comes and I don't even realize. To mention one case that happens often, I usually will talk guys into believe I like them, so I'll get something back. Information about something I have the need to know, getting them to pay for things and all that. 

I also have bursts of anger often, since really young. Sometimes there's not even a reason behind it, I just get the urge to hurt someone or break something. In the past few years I blamed this on self destruction. 

First time I ever tried to hurt someone, I was really young, to the point I can only remember flashes and what my grandmother tells me. She was laying down on the couch, and I simply hit her head with something. To be honest, the only thing I can remember of this event is me looking at her head and then just hitting her. 

Second time I can remember, I was between 8 or 10 years old, when my cousin was tripping on the stars and reached out for me. I grabbed her hand but I wanted to see what would happen if I let her go, and I did. She didn't get hurt, and I convinced one other cousin that was there with us, to tell my aunt that I didn't let her go, that her hand slipped from mine. My aunt believed me, and nothing happened to me.

Last year, I was camping with three friends, and this one was making me irritated, somehow. He took something from me without asking, and lost it. I was really angry, and told him to look for it, but instead, he sat down and started using his phone. He was sitting in the dark, and I remember walking to a pile of sticks, grabbing one and going behind him. When I was about to raise it and hit him, he turned around and saw me, so he walked away. Our other friends had to sit me down and make me calm down.

I don't think I am a bad person, nor these episodes make me a Sociopath or not, because everyone has these bursts of anger and do things they'd regret. But I don't regret. I don't regret almost hitting him, because in the end he found the thing and gave it back to me. I don't regret lying, I don't regret manipulating, and I don't regret doing things that other people wouldn't. I think the closest I have to feel something about it, besides the thrill, is being anxious with the possibility of being caught on my lies or anything I do.

For the last two years, I've been to therapy. I hate school, and that's normal, so I had suicide attempts and started self harming, because I wanted a way to get away from school. It worked for one year and a half. I started therapy and my therapist would write to school to justify why I wasn't going to my classes. But back then my explanation to myself, was that I had depression. Maybe I had, I'm not really sure, but these days I've been thinking about the possibility of being a Sociopath, and it crossed my mind that maybe I created these symptoms to get away from school, something I hated. Something I was forced to do.

I never really had problems with my exams, so that wasn't the problem. I'd like to consider myself quite smart. I never really had to study for tests, I'd only listen to the teacher for half an hour, and I'd get high notes on my exams. I always been the best in my classes, without much effort. 

Again, it always led people to like me. I never really understood why, because I never did anything, but people always try to talk to me, they always like me. I guess I started liking the fact that I could get something from it.

Earlier today, I had therapy, and questioned my therapist about being a Sociopath. Mentioned the tests and all. She said I'm cold, insensitive, egocentric, but didn't get to the point to tell me if I was or not. She simply said 'all of us have the traits of a sociopath'. 

I know it might sound like I'm trying to convince you that I might be, because I have seen several people claiming to be sociopaths because they want to hurt other people when they're angry, but I am being truthful, here. I have nothing to lose by saying the truth, and nothing to gain by lying. I just wanted to know if I am or not, because for the first time I think I found someone that is like me, and that there's actually nothing wrong with not being empathetic with everyone you know, just because society tells you to. 

My friendships never last for too long, because I always expect more from them, and they always disappoint me. Letting go of them and losing the feelings (sometimes, shallow feelings), is never too hard. The only thing is the feeling of revenging for the betrayal. 

I think these are the things that might help you with... Helping me. I need to get this doubt out of my head.