ADHD and neurodiversity

From a reader on her ADHD and friendship with a sociopath:

I wanted to let you know that I read your book a couple of months ago, and I wanted to email you for a couple of reasons.

First of all, I wanted to thank you. I'm definitely an empath, but I'm not really neurotypical either. I've had four or five doctors so far tell me that I have the worst ADHD they've ever seen, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was 21 because I was really, really good at compensating and hiding. I used to feel a lot of shame about a lot of that compensating though, like I should function like everybody else. After reading your book though, I think my view on that has changed a lot. I think that neuro-diversity is important, and I care a lot less now what other people think about it or about the way I function. I do just fine for myself, and I like my life and it doesn't matter if other people do or not, and thinking about things that way really started after I'd read your book. There also were a few parts of what you discussed that I really could relate to, like not having a long-term life plan. I have never had a long-term life plan, and I think that has always frightened my family a little, but you seem to have done fine without one, so I think that I probably will too.

The other thing is that even though I could relate to a couple of the things you discussed personally, I saw a lot more of them in a friend of mine. We've grown apart recently (nothing happened, just life) but we used to be close. I met Polly my first day of college. She literally just knocked on the door of my dorm room, said "Ferris Bueller is on, but my roommate has the remote and won't give it up," walked in without being invited, sat on the floor, grabbed the remote, and watched Ferris Bueller. She never left. She really didn't. She'd leave to go to class or to get food but she started more or less living in my dorm room.

I'm trying to remember some of the things from your book that really reminded me of her, but like I said, it's been a couple of months (that would be the ADHD. I was very excited about emailing you, then before I did so I was very excited about doing something else and forgot). I know you mentioned sexuality as being a big thing. Polly identified herself as heterosexual, but all of her friends called her "the noodle" because she was "straight until you got her wet." I think she preferred men, but I know that Alex (my actual roommate) and I both woke up several times to her sticking her hands up our shirts or down our pants. She said she was curious. She also used to walk through large crowds and see how many boobs and penises she could grab without people saying or doing anything, acting like it was an accident or slipping away into the crowd. She would always then report the number to me VERY proudly. I remember once she insisted that she had to see my breasts. She kind of cornered me and put me on the spot about it, and being every bit as impulsive as she is, I showed her. She was angry because they were bigger than hers, even though that was blatantly obvious when we were wearing clothes. She didn't like that I had something that was better than hers.

She did love me in her own way, but it was never the way that other friends connected with me. She was perfectly happy to take advantage of me in any way she could, but she was protective of me when it came to other people doing the same. Basically, she always wanted me to be the second prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in the room, and she would do absolutely anything to put me there: to make sure that i was the best i could be as long as that didn't mean i outshone her. She could be really sweet. For example, there was a program I really wanted to get into in school. It was fairly exclusive and only about 5% of students who applied got in. Polly and I had completely different majors, so in this case there was no competition between us. My doing well wouldn't hurt her at all. I made it to the final interview but after that interview I was cut. She was furious. She was almost more upset about it than I was. She kept telling me that I was obviously the best candidate and that it was completely wrong for them to not accept me. She didn't have any problem with hurting me herself though, if it benefited her. Alex and I both lost friends that Polly didn't know at about the same time, and we bonded over the experience. We were going through the same thing. Polly didn't understand at all. She was completely unable to relate, even though I know she's had people she cared about die too. Alex and I started spending more time together and less time with Polly. In response, Polly manipulated both of us. She told us really subtle little lies about each other, then played off of the anxiety she created and tried to make us mistrust each other. It very nearly destroyed my friendship with Alex. We hardly talked for almost a year, and we both started spending more time with Polly, because both of us thought she was on our side.

When we finally figured it out, I wasn't surprised. Polly is a lot of fun. She's impulsive and sometimes silly and funny, and she always, always can think of something to do. She can be a really good friend, too. She's not particularly trustworthy though, and she can always, ALWAYS be counted on to put herself first. If Polly is a sociopath, or even has some sociopathic tendencies, it wouldn't change how I feel about her. I love her for who she is. It would explain a lot of the really, really weird things that have gone on, though, so I thought I'd get your opinion. Thanks for your time.