Schizophrenia and sociopathy

From a reader:

I've been reading your blog for about 7 or 8 months now, and I've found it quite interesting reading the posts from fellow readers who have reached out to you to describe their lives and the unusual way they look at the world, often wondering and asking if they are sociopaths themselves. 
I've been reading your book and blog and have commented on a few blog entries myself, and I thought it would be interesting to gain your perspective on my current state. 

I'm a 23 year old female currently an undergraduate at university studying psychology. I'm not a sociopath, and I don't believe there is any chance I am one. I've been speaking to doctors, mental health assessment teams and a clinical psychologist for the last couple of months, and while I haven't yet received a clear diagnoses, my condition seems to lean towards some form of schizophrenia, possibly the paranoid or disorganized sub-type, or a combination of them. 
I write because I've been thinking a lot about what may be called "Abnormal Psychology", and I've been considering some of the similarities and differences between sociopathy and my own mental state (I'll refer to it as schizophrenia for simple convenience).  

You recently posted a blog entry from an interesting young woman who was wondering if she was a sociopath, and I commented on the post explaining that I could relate to some of her feelings of violence and murder. Like many sociopaths, I don't feel any guilt, empathy or remorse with the idea of killing another human being that deserves it, and I've been experiencing frequent strong impulses to murder certain individuals (ex-friends) who have made life more inconvenient for me by spreading around a lot of negative stigma, insults and rumours concerning my mental state and odd behaviour. The only thing that has stopped me from carrying out my plans of killing these persecutors is the threat of legal consequences and the cost to my freedom that a prison sentence would entail. The doctors I have spoken to seemed a little worried that empathy and guilt wasn't playing any role in deterring my violent impulses, only a practical argument was stopping me. 
One of your readers replied to my comment explaining that this risk vs reward reasoning was characteristic of many higher functioning sociopaths, which is probably one of the things that inspired my thoughts about sociopathy and my own possible schizophrenia. 
Empathy and understanding others in generally something I have a lot of trouble with, although I'm very fond of animals. 

I've had a fairly good fufilling childhood, with no neglect or abuse of any kind. My mental health issues only began to surface severely when I was round the age of 16, although I think I was always a bit odd and different throughout my life in ways I still can't explain. 
Unlike many sociopaths, I have suffered in the past from many depressive episodes and I currently suffer from a great deal of paranoia, anxiety and fear of other people, which I guess is where my condition differs from sociopathy a fair bit. I have had many thoughts of suicide, but the thought of hurting my family with my own death does not occur to me or really bother me. The reason I haven't killed myself is a functional one (like the ones holding me back from killing), I don't believe in an afterlife, so if I was dead I wouldn't be able to do things that I enjoy anymore, like going for enjoyable walks or eating nice food. That's all. 

Some other readers and commenters have mentioned things like fluid sexuality or gender identity with regards to sociopathy. Like them, gender often feels like a meaningless concept to me. People appear to me as if they walking around in "people suits" of flesh and skin and muscle, and it's only the person underneath the skin that has any real bearing. So therefore I guess I could be considered bisexual as Male and Female doesn't make much of a difference to me. People are either aesthetically pleasing, or they are not. 
I've had friends in the past, but they never last too long and I've became very anti-social at this point. Sexuality doesn't play an important role for me, and I've never had any romantic or sexual interactions with anyone in my life, nor do I have any deep desire or intention to do so. I still find some men and women physically attractive, hence the bisexuality instead of asexuality. 

I feel very detached from the people around me when I'm in public. I often feel detached from my own skin and body too. If I'm not feeling the effects of anxiety or paranoia, I can simply observe these masses of flesh and bone move around me and interact with each other as if I am watching a TV show. Some sociopaths seem to mention this kind of thing too, as it lets them observe things like power, influence and seduction from an objective viewpoint. I also view things objectively, but unlike sociopaths my understanding of human interactions is pretty poor. I find it very difficult to correctly pick up on social cues and facial expressions, so it's like I'm looking at a confusing puzzle with no answer when I observe people. Simply put, I struggle to understand people. 

Finally, you and others have commented on the sociopaths ability to blend into a crowd and copy the behaviours and customs of empaths in a very convincing way. I found this to be one of the most interesting aspects of your book (and sociopathy in general) becuase it's where the greatest difference lies between me and sociopaths. I can't blend in anywhere. As soon as I enter a room or a group conversation, everyone can immediately tell that I'm not normal. I stick out in ways I can't seem to fix. My mannerisms and social interactions seem off and unsettle people. Apparently I stare too much or too little, or the things I say in conversation are perceived as odd. I have no ability to charm others as sociopaths do. While sociopaths can be like a wolf in sheep's clothing hidden in the herd, I stand out immediately like a deformed goat with leprosy. There's nothing wrong with my appearance. I'm quite feminine and I believe I'm fairly or moderately attractive with regards to body shape and facial structure. I think it's all behaviour, mannerisms and social cues that give me away. 

Anyway I've rambled incoherently for far too long. I'll just finish by saying that I'm interested in the similarities and differences between mental conditions like schizophrenia and sociopathy and how it makes individuals feel like outsiders in a world they have to try and fit into, like playing a role for the sake of social convention. It's a hard topic to wrap my head around since schizophrenia can take many different shapes and forms, and sociopathy doesn't seem to be very well understood by most. 
I don't particularly expect a reply, but it was nice to try and put these thoughts down on paper, and if you do happen to have any thoughts on the subject, I'd love to hear it. 

Sorry for the essay and thank you for everything,