Power for the sake of power?

From a sociopathic identifying reader on what's the point of it all:

I have been a frequent reader of the sociopath world blog and for a long time it has helped me to organize my own thoughts but... I feel that there is a problem that I simply cannot tackle. For years I've had a bloated sense of ego, I suppose. I mean, my successes, however insignificant they may appear to others, are very important to me to a point that I am constantly boastful of them. It's not just minor things like winning a game or getting that oh so important promotion at work. Those things are minuscule at best to me. I'm talking about a span of a few years where I went head to head with, who I now believe, to be a fellow sociopath.

At the time I was not aware of my mental state. Sure, I did know I was different but to what extent I neither understood why or cared to find out. It was during this time that I met him. We started off as good friends and with time that friendship devolved as I watched him take advantage of his friends. He eventually hurt someone I considered to be a sibling to me. Really... I looking back I don't think I confronted him because I cared about her. I think I was just looking for a fight. I confronted him despite his friends chiming in, trying to ridicule me. I remember vividly being unconcerned about them... They didn't matter to me. I came for a reason and it certainly didn't involve any of them. That's when I picked up on his constant lying.

I recall going out of my way to be everything he wasn't. I wanted to prove that he was evil and that by some arbitrary reasoning I instead was good. If he was going to lie to his friends, I would focus on blunt honesty. If he was going to throw his friends away, I was going to be loyal. The one thing I couldn't simply throw away was manipulation. He and I both did that... and though I showed these traits of honesty and loyalty, they were driven by an honor code that I would simply cast aside if it failed to benefit me.

I can already tell that at this point I'm rambling like a mad man but my history with him brings that out in me. Which leads to the problem... After about a year into our rivalry I was diagnosed with ASPD. At the time it was something I resented... "There was noting wrong with me." I thought. To be labeled by such an ugly term such as sociopath didn't, at the time, benefit me at any capacity. I went on acting as I had before without dwelling on it much. After all, I was already occupied with trying to be two steps ahead of the guy plotting two steps ahead of me at all times. I knew this... I knew I had to be able to adapt. To take whatever he threw at me and toss it back. Something that he never quite managed to do himself. There was a sort of mutual respect that he and I shared despite displaying ourselves as hating one another. I remember having an intense reaction to him at even his mention but it was fleeting and could not be maintained no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to cling to this feeling. I'm not sure if it was hate or adrenaline... but I was addicted. It just couldn't last, I'm afraid. I remember purposefully coming up with bandaid solutions for the stuff he would stir up. Prolonging our fighting just so that I could plan the next of our battles. Unfortunately, I had to put an end to it for good so I planted seeds all around me. Suggested that he was evil and that those who would side with me would be "safe". Needless to say, the ones he had wronged easily turned. Before long I had amassed a powerful enough army to take him down. Disgraced, he fled... but after that I've lost all of my motivation.

I've ignited smaller wars over the years but not one person has ever been the challenge that he was. Then there was no one left to fight at all... I feel like I've been wasting my potential but when I chase those feelings of fulfillment and power I promptly lose interest. I've tried looking for enemies but it turns out when you're actively searching for a fight you only find losers. I've tried making friends thinking that I'd find acceptance or something of substance to distract me but I find myself incapable of maintaining them. I lose interest in people just so easily now that I don't know if I have any worthwhile friendships to hold onto. I even once tried to start a cult but my lack of motivation struck and it fell apart within a couple of days.

I'm afraid that I'm losing my touch and I don't know where to turn to gain the motivation I need to do anything. I thought it was depression but don't you have to feel sad when you're depressed? If that's the case I really don't think I could manage being that for as long as I have. If I have to sum up the way I feel in tangible words for me, it would be boredom. I'm bored. I put so much focus on what I was doing back then that I cannot take my mind off of it. I am stuck on what was rather than what is and instead of chasing something of substance I gain momentary ego trips when I reminisce on something that's long gone. I honestly don't know what to do and that bothers me.

M.E.:

Yeah, I think you might be bored because there's no real meaning in cultivating power. It's engaging while it lasts, but ultimately it is no longer compelling to us. Perhaps we mature or perhaps we grow in wisdom, but we can suddenly see more clearly that there's not really any point to it. But what else will occupy our mile a minute thoughts? What other projects can engage us with such captivation? This, I believe, is the almost universal problem of the maturing sociopath.

Also, I should say, as a descriptive matter it is absolutely true that sociopaths behave in a way that indicates that there is pleasure in cultivating power for its own sake (i.e. the pleasure of ruining someone is not about the ruining but about an expression of power). It's only as a prescriptive matter that I suggest to sociopaths that the pleasure from cultivating power may not continue to be enough to get you out of bed in the morning, the older you get.