My peacemaker brother was telling me today about some of the weird things he'll do, like park his car somewhere else after he's done pumping gas but needs to go inside the store for something, because he's worried that people will be put out or upset, or a handful of other weird things like that they seem almost overly considerate and polite, or maybe abnormally concerned about upsetting people. I actually identified with the general theme of his behaviors, though. I also try to avoid conflict, but not because it I fear confrontation. I explained to him that it's more that I worry about losing control in situations in which someone might try to confront me about something. The classic example is the DC metro worker story from the book. If someone tries to correct me or shame me about some behavior of mine, that is the most predictably reliable way to make me see red. This is a weakness, as it has big potential negatives for my social capital and clean criminal record, and there are essentially no advantages. So I've noticed that as I have gotten older, I've gotten increasingly more polite and considerate in an attempt to reduce the number of situations in which this might happen.
I thought this recent comment was interesting, along the same lines, with another good potential suggestion for avoiding them:
My rages have dissipated to very rare status the older I have gotten. Might happen to you too. Seems to be the norm according to research. A good way to deal with them is to recognize when you are triggering, keep a journal if you must. Then when you see/feel a trigger coming on step back from the situation, acknowledge it, control your breathing, try to break your focus. The focus break is important since we achieve that hyper focus state and when we reach that BAM in the zone. See if there are any physical triggers too. Low on nicotine or blood sugar drop, dealing with too many idiots in short period of time, frustration, and physical pain like you mentioned. I hit the trifecta day before yesterday and almost went off but I knew what was causing it and managed to clear my triggers before i did to much damage. On an amusing note I appear to have inadvertently trained the people I work with to spot my triggers and they will take a look at me and send me out to have cigs and food when I present symptoms. This benefits everyone. If you can train people around you to be spotters like this and let give you some detox moments then you can usually avoid the meltdown.
I thought this recent comment was interesting, along the same lines, with another good potential suggestion for avoiding them:
My rages have dissipated to very rare status the older I have gotten. Might happen to you too. Seems to be the norm according to research. A good way to deal with them is to recognize when you are triggering, keep a journal if you must. Then when you see/feel a trigger coming on step back from the situation, acknowledge it, control your breathing, try to break your focus. The focus break is important since we achieve that hyper focus state and when we reach that BAM in the zone. See if there are any physical triggers too. Low on nicotine or blood sugar drop, dealing with too many idiots in short period of time, frustration, and physical pain like you mentioned. I hit the trifecta day before yesterday and almost went off but I knew what was causing it and managed to clear my triggers before i did to much damage. On an amusing note I appear to have inadvertently trained the people I work with to spot my triggers and they will take a look at me and send me out to have cigs and food when I present symptoms. This benefits everyone. If you can train people around you to be spotters like this and let give you some detox moments then you can usually avoid the meltdown.
First
ReplyDelete-Cnaym :D
Do i post a song oft the day now? Hell yeah... Umm....
DeleteDope - Nothing for me here
-Cnaym
I can turn into an angry rage monster at times, but the older I get, the less often it happens. The last time was several years ago. Some workman entered my office without knocking (after doing this a few other times) and I simply snapped. I started screaming profanity laced tirade at him, chasing him all the way down the hall and past other people's offices until he left the building. I got a reputation after that as a volatile person... which I didn't exactly hate, but still wasn't ideal.
ReplyDeleteSince I was little, my family has been very obsessed with keeping a beautiful reputation. I was raised to be emphatic and care about what others think, and they usually get frustrated when I fail to do so. Like M.E. I also don't like confrontations, so I tend to do 'bad' things when I'm sure I'm alone. I know my triggers or at least some of it, though I'm not sure if I have experienced this 'hyperfocus' thing, or if I'm just good at breaking it. Can someone explain to me the feeling, in detail? I once asked a friend of mine how guilt feels, and his answer was:
ReplyDelete"As for how it feels, imagine a burn, at first, nothing, you see it and you smell the burning flesh, and then, it slowly starts to burn, as you feel the nerve endings being burned in your skin, it finally registers, and then a sharp pain hits, it's not constant though, it pulsates (as you think about it, it stays constant, but the pain will pulsate because it will keep popping in your head no matter how much you try to forget). It slowly eats at your sanity."
I thought that description was pretty interesting.
Hyper Focus is a state where everything narrows down to one, shall we say, target or idea. You are aware if your surroundings but they are not really tangent to the moment you are in. Time seems to slow down and your mind can run through many options at once studying and discarding and choosing as you like. You can move as fast as a cobra on meth, there is a adrenaline kick like a mule and your vision may grey or red out.
DeleteHyper Focus is a state where everything narrows down to one, shall we say, target or idea. You are aware if your surroundings but they are not really tangent to the moment you are in. Time seems to slow down and your mind can run through many options at once studying and discarding and choosing as you like. You can move as fast as a cobra on meth, there is a adrenaline kick like a mule and your vision may grey or red out.
Deletehey guys, I know that sociopaths do not feel guilt or remorse.... but do you sometimes feel guilt or remorse toward yourself? I mean like if something you planed didn't work and you think "oh I could have done better" and you are angry it didn't work and things like that... or do you define this as anger?
Deletealice
Alice I can only speak for myself here but the answer is yes, sort of. Not anger but more disappointment when a plan falls through and a bad habit of over-analyzing why it did. Sometimes I do get pissed off when a plan is foiled. I get over it quickly though ( like a few minutes quickly) and then I analyze what went wrong and adapt then I move on. It really does not effect me much when I do that. It used to be bad because I would go into revenge mode and plan and scheme and waste tons of time trying to get over on people. I used to hate losing and now I just enjoy the game. Many of us are, I think, perfectionists so the "I could have done better" is a challenge we accept and pursue. I don't tend to dwell to long on it though, just fix what was wrong for the next time. We can get angry. I don't stay angry though. Kind of a flash and then I try to fix what pissed me off. One of the best things someone taught me once was that when people do something that pisses you off "they are not doing it TO YOU, they are just doing it". Most people are thoughtless and self centered and just do things and you are not a chosen target you are just collateral damage.
DeleteTo spend time hating those people is a waste of your time. Kind of like taking poison to punish someone who hurt you. People just do stuff, sometimes it effect you, move on this is life.
Now if you run into a malignant narc then YES they are doing it to you. They target people specifically to mess with them. Avoid them at all costs.
this was very interestig puppy basket, thanks. did you ever encountered a malignant narc? isn't it a challenge to interact with such an individual?
Deletealice
I was raised by a malignant narc Alice. I just quit a job since I was working for one, four bosses/coworkers at last count. I have met a few more over the years, One was the leader of a previous group of friends. Once I exposed him the group reformed with some on our side and very few staying with him. My roommate just left a relationship with one that is one of the "best" I have ever seen in fooling everyone around them while being one of the most evil people on the planet. It a challenging to interact with them but I try to keep it to a minimum. The best thing to do with a MN is to cut off their source of food and move on while helping the victims heal.
Delete"I actually identified with the general theme of his behaviors, though. I also try to avoid conflict, but not because it I fear confrontation. I explained to him that it's more that I worry about losing control in situations in which someone might try to confront me about."
ReplyDeleteI think I understand both sides here. Obviously you know your brother than me but if he's really a "peacemaker" its not the "fear" of confrontation that holds him back. He's probably got this serenity about him, this peace & purity and it's his nature to want everything to be good & at peace. I remember reading about him and thinking I really like this guy. I don't think I ever really envied anyone but sometimes I see people like this and feel jealous, wishing I were more like them. These are the kind of people I respect the most and really the only people who's opinions of me I really care about. They tend to have a positive impact on everyone around them.
I also respect where you're coming from. Knowing yourself & your weaknesses is always a sign of intelligence & a reasonable mind. I can't help but think that this almost impulsive, "overreaction" to any trigger is a result of your experience with your dad. It takes time, and good company (like your brother) to build trust in people again and realize that most people are not a threat. Knowing for certain that everything is under God's control - the good and the bad - and that ultimately all is for the greater good has helped in calming me down and relaxing A LOT.
That comment looks rather familiar :)
ReplyDeleteHey Puppy, how have you been?
DeletePuppy Basket-
DeleteWill you explain the "topping from the bottom" concept?
Hi Jonaid I have been good but busy. Topping from the bottom is a wa of manipulating a person who has power over you where you have o power they can perceive. To the observer it looks like the other person is in control. To the other person it looks and feels to them like they are in control, when in actuality you are pulling all the puppet strings. In a workplace environment this is known as "Managing your Boss", in a healthy sub/dom relationship the sub Usually has the most power. In friendships or Group Dynamics (and politics) this maneuver is known as "The Power Behind the Throne". Another place this shows up is patriarchal societies that are in actuality run by a powerful matriarchy on an invisible level. Many Patriarchal churches are directed this way if they don't bar the priesthood from marrying and delegate the actual day to day running of the church to volunteer committees.
DeleteTopping from the bottom is where you give the illusion of power to the TOP while subtly influencing them. Let us take the Managing your Boss example to explore this as it will be most helpful to everyone. To do this you don't even have to be good at your job but as I am it becomes even easier. Wait I lie, if you are horrible at your job and can fake or are very emotional you can do the same thing. The idea is to take every part of your job that you dislike and make your boss or coworkers do that for you. The other part is to make your boss think it was their own idea to do so. Flattery is your friend here, complement your boss each time they do what you want them to. Be patient, don't toss more than one duty upon them at a time. Say you hate dealing with talkative customers because they slow down your production (this is a thing with me). When you get trapped by one of these annoying people plead ignorance on whatever they are yammering on about and call over the boss (preferably) or a coworker and introducing them as an expert on this subject. Make sure they know you admire their impressive knowledge and the way they assist the customer with this. Express you admiration at their knowledge and skills both before and after they have dealt with talkie toaster for you. Thank them for rescuing you so you could do productive work. (Use those words) Praise them, keep some candy around and feed them a piece each time they do what you want. (This really works, humans are wired to see people who feed them as family and the person who provides the food as their leader). After a while your victim will come to associate doing your bidding with feeling pleasant, skillful, useful, and loved. At this point they will do your unpleasant task without being prompted. Each week assign a new task you dislike to another boss or coworker. Repeat as you wish and soon you will just be doing what you enjoy and watching as your coworkers and bosses happily take the annoying tasks of their own "free will". If you run into a problem at work that has been entrenched for a while and you need it changed ( I usually find corporate stupidity has caused these) you can make your boss fix it too. First you bring the problem to their attention, most of the time they already know about it but have not seen fit to fix it because that would require them to to push back up the food chain. First commiserate with them on how they are powerless to do anything about it and point out every problem that results from the stupid policy. Point out how it effects them personally in a sympathetic manner. Let them tell you how it effects them and how they feel. Keep being sympathetically understanding while each time adding a new level of how it sucks for them personally. The idea is to get them angry and frustrated at the policy. This works best if you have an actual solution to the problem. Work the solution into the conversation in a way that makes your target think they thought of it themselves. How you do this depends on how intelligent your target is. Then aim them at corporate chain and let them fix things. If they encounter resistance most will just kill the stupid policy on a store level. Either way problem solved, the boss thinks they did it on their own and you win.
DeleteThis is more an art form and skill set than anything else. You have to learn it over time but it is well worth learning. Am I still being manipulative? Hells yes. However if the net result is a happy effective workplace with satisfied customers and employees then I really don't see the problem. Leadership from a position that lacks obvious power is still just leadership.
Some say violent psychopaths are the least intelligent type of psycho, others say that most 100%-sociopaths are violent types..what´s fact & what´s fiction?
ReplyDeleteSociopaths are 1% of the population. If we were all violent then crime statistics would reflect that more. While sociopaths and psychopaths are more likely to be repeat offenders if they are the violent type we are also more likely to be cops, firemen and doctors. We have a thrill seeking behavior, how this manifests is different depending on the person. Most feed this tendency in a socially acceptable manner, say hunting, boxing, skydiving, even dancing or through their job. It is not exactly violence we crave but an Adrenalin rush. Risk seeking behavior. To create a socio/psychopath you need to have an abusive parenting situation. How this manifests depends on the level of the abuse. If the abuse was mostly mental then you get a less aggressive sociopath, if it had a serious psychical component then you get a more violent individual.
DeleteSociopaths in general are not more likely to react with violence than non sociopaths. In fact many of us are less likely since we tend toward the logical and realize we can retaliate non violently and more successfully at a later point. That said we do have triggers and if you trip them you need to run. Run fast, run far, never come back. This might be the thing about sociopaths that (mostly non violent ones) that give us a bad rep. People cannot know your triggers so they have been dealing with what they think is a perfectly sane individual for a long time and suddenly they are standing next to a stone cold demon. In my own life this has freaked the fuck out of some people.
An example: I like to spar with people, mostly guys. When you friendly spar in mixed martial art the one rule is NO HEAD SHOTS. If we are fighting and you forget this rule and punch me in the face the kid gloves come off. I will do my level best to kill you. Most people have the common sense to read this in my body language and face when it happens and have manged to de-escalate or run for the hills when they mess up. I have had an entire room of people take two steps back when I went into monster mode. I have broken the bones of one or two people without common sense. This did not get me in any trouble legally since the idiots copped to the fact that it was their own fault. I warn people before the fight begins so they have no one to blame but themselves. Also in our circles if you enter the ring you agreed to the rules and the consequences if you ignore them. I know I have a trigger about people getting their hands in my face. I do give people three warnings and the warnings are specific. "Do that again and I will break your bones" Fourth time I break bones. Strangely they never do it again. So yes I can be violent, I don't think I am any more violent than normal people though. I am actually less likely to respond violently than a person with normal emotions since I don't get emotional about things. I have learned how to de-escalate violence in others too so I play peacemaker a lot. Most people know what I am capable of too so they tend to listen if I tell them to behave. I prefer a peaceful life so keeping other peaceful is something I excel at.
Oregon Travis, are you still in here somewhere..?
ReplyDeleteHey Superchick-
ReplyDeleteI just realized, that I neglected to answer your question.
Technically, I do have a FB account, but I never go there.
TOO MUCH LIFE TO LIVE!!!
We can exchange contact information, at M.E.'s pool party!!!
I meant to tell you, I have seen "Nights in Rodanthe".:)
I love Richard Gere & Diane Lane!!! I REALLY love them in "Unfaithful"!!! Have you seen that movie??? If you haven't, I highly recommend it.:) Richard Gere & Diane Lane are married in that movie, but the chemistry I REALLY LOVE, is between Diane Lane & Olivier Martinez.:)
~Vegas
A pool party? Am I invited?
DeleteHey Puppy Basket-
DeleteI'm sure you'll be invited!!!
I'm hoping I'll be invited-I don't know if NT's are invited, or not...
~Vegas
You have to be invited Vegas! It would just not be a party without you and Superchick.
DeletePuppy Basket-
DeleteI THINK SO, TOO!!!
It wouldn't be a party without Superchick and I, would it???
I just listened to "Heathens", and thought of you.:)
~Vegas
Olivier Martinez is HOT!!!
ReplyDeleteSo is Gavin Rossdale!!! I wonder if Gavin Rossdale is a sociopath??? That would answer how he got that HOT TAMALE Gwen Stefani!!!
I now understand this song...
Song of the Day:
Bush
Machinehead
I've seen them in concert, and they are as good live, as they are recorded-it was an AWESOME SHOW!!!
~Vegas
Lyrics:
DeleteBush
"Machinehead"
breathe in breathe out
breathe in breathe out
breathe in
breathe in breathe out
breathe in breathe out
breathe in
tied to a wheel fingers got to feel,
bleeding through a tar-decay smile
I spin on a whim I slide to the right
I felt you like electric light
for our love
for our fear
for our rise against the years and years and years
got a machinehead
it's better than the rest
green to red machinehead
got a machinehead
it's better than the rest
green to red
and I walk from my machine
I walk from my machine
breathe in breathe out
breathe in breathe out
breathe in
deaf dumb and thirty
starting to deserve this
leaning on my conscience wall
blood is like wine
unconscious all the time
if I had it all again
I'd change it all
got a machinehead
it's better than the rest
green to red machinehead
got a machinehead
it's better than the rest
green to red
and I walk from my machine
I walk from my machine
"Just minding my chemistry
Just minding my chemistry
It's a foul ball."
breathe in breathe out
breathe in breathe out
breathe in
breathe in
breathe in
got a machinehead
it's better than the rest
green to red machinehead
got a machinehead
it's better than the rest
green to red
it's better than the rest
it's better than the rest
machinehead
and I walk from my machine
I walk from my machine
~Vegas
PS-
DeleteThey were the closing band, at an all-day festival.
My feet hurt by then, but they were well worth staying to see.:)
~Vegas
PPS-
DeleteBefore I figured it out, I was telling my husband, that I thought he was "a machine".:)
~Vegas
PPPS-
DeleteDoes anyone recognize "The Bush", at the end of that video??? Is it in London? Is it a bar, club, etc.?
Has anyone been there, and if so, is it cool?
~Vegas
This is a great article, that I really enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say really. I liked the way you tried to describe it.
ReplyDeleteHere is something I would like to add iOS 10 Beta 6 Download
DeleteMy anger is like a raging forest fire, I learned to try to control it once I started to get tiref of cleaning up, or just dealing with in general, the mess I made.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because some people assume it means I have a fear of being angry... No, I've never felt more at home than when I see red.