For the Nefarious
BY MAI DER VANG
From a recessed hollow
Rumble, I unearth as a creature
Conceived to be relentless.
Depend on me to hunt you
Until you find yourself
Counting all the uncorked
Nightmares you digested.
I will let you know the burning
Endorsed by the effort of
Matches. And you will claw
Yourself inward, toward a
Conference of heat as the steam
Within you surrenders, caves
You into a cardboard scar.
Even what will wreck you
Are your mother’s chapped lips.
Even to drip your confession
Of empty rooms. I know about
Your recipe of rain, your apiary
Ways. Trust me to be painful.
"I'm hunger. I'm thirst. Where I bite, I hold till I die, and even after death they must cut out my mouthful from my enemy's body and bury it with me. I can fast a hundred years and not die. I can lie a hundred nights on the ice and not freeze. I can drink a river of blood and not burst. Show me your enemies."
ReplyDeleteCS Lewis
untamed as the sea
ReplyDeleteSometimes he's a tsunami
And I wait, inland
People find and use the ruleset that gives them what they want.
ReplyDeleteIf they don't get what they want, they ditch the ruleset.
Do socios like the novel Death on the Installment Plan by LF Céline? Does it somehow mirror an aimless viper rage they experience?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sociopathic so cannot answer your question. I started reading the book and here are two passages that struck me:
DeleteThen I went out again, easy in my mind. But that dog was too scared. He'd been beaten too much. Life is hard on the streets. When we opened the window next day, he wouldn't wait, he jumped out, he was even afraid of us. He thought we'd punished him. He couldn't understand. He didn't trust anybody anymore. It's terrible when that happens.
I didn't care for questions. I shut up like a clam... To own up brings bad luck.
The latter I find to be quite reflective of the socios I meet here and elsewhere, and of course **-*, who is always private and elusive and reveals things about himself only by metaphor and at a distance. Ahead something he can retreat from. Socios here rarely if ever answer direct questions unless motivation is clear. So I've learnt to offer choice when asking a question and to explain my motivations in asking. That slightly improves my chances of getting a response.
As for the first passage... It strikes me this is very much how **-* is, although I do not know why. He told me he had a safe childhood and was born the way he is. Nevertheless, if there is a possibility of being hurt, he runs away and slams and deadbolts all the doors and sets fire to my car and my house to be sure I do not hurt him.
I will finish reading the book, it's quite compelling and hold a breakneck pace.
*Always, not Ahead.
DeletePsychos may do everything right and things still fall apart in the end, like a curse. The only item left is hatred, some unseen force seldom denies them that.
DeleteThat's sad. I'm sorry if that has happened to you.
DeleteHatred can be protective when directed against a threat.
The Roots
I do not hate **-* even though things fell apart. I hope one day he is no longer filled with rage against me. I'm still waiting for his musical self.
Perhaps **-* doesn't want me to wait.
DeleteI don’t believe an average sociopath could fully understand Celine’s rage, or the protagonist from his novel. The root of his anger lies elsewhere. Anti-semitism and sociopathy are apples and oranges.
DeleteThere are plenty of extremely educated sociopaths that would understand the premise of the book, the tragedy and disappointment of life... but they wouldn’t relate the same way. They would find pointless... Celine gets to this resentment from an entirely different angle. He is an extremely empathetic person gone mad... think of him as an extremely intelligent person that votes for Trump. He wants to burn it all down... he’s given up on life. He lost his faith, his hope! You can see that clearly in books like Voyage au bout de la Nuit... he just wants to die and he is stuck in nostalgia. Sociopath don’t have time for that. They don’t carry the weight of the world on their shoulders... that is what gives them their freedom! Basically, we should be aware of them and act as if they don’t exist... if they get in our way, all we have to do is press on their anxieties, their depressions, their weaknesses and let them die. Otherwise, most of them are pretty stupid and harmless.
And I'm not the first he has done this to. He described once how he choked one, and kicked her and beat her and threw her down the stairs. He weren't on for quite some time, in vivid language. Metaphorical, no doubt. And I assume this is what he does when he loves; the vulnerability of that condition is simply too much of a risk.
ReplyDeleteWhile I've seen many socios here despise vulnerability, I've never seen anyone articulate anything like what I've just written. No one had said that their loving someone creates vulnerability to which they respond with attack. Most say they don't love.
To me, **-* is special. He's different to others in my life. It's frustrating that to him I am not different to the others, but that's just a woman's jealousy, I suppose. I have invited him to consider other ways of handling the risks, which I don't deny exist. Everyone has to face those risks, although I do think it's objectively more difficult for him that it is for most people. I'm asking him to recognise that I appreciate this and I thank him for the efforts he has taken in the past.
This is quite beautiful, and speaks of the truth I carry closest to my heart
Delete